Humpjones

Tu Jin-Sheng: Undisputed Master of Penis Qigong and Iron Crotch

Posted Sep 11, 2007 4 comments

Have you ever walked up to someone and realized they were attaching steel cables to their dick?  Me, too—and as we’ve both learned, that’s always an awkward moment. One of the strangest side effects of Chinese culture being imported into the US is the new “Iron Crotch” fad, being embraced by white kids who are jaded by Jackass, bored with Fight Club and looking for something even more intense.  There are a lot of weird Emergency Room visits in America’s future, and the reason for that is Tu Jin-Sheng, one of the undisputed masters of Qigong.

As Kung Fu magazine puts it: “When a man can tow a truck with his genitals, that’s all anyone ever really remembers about him.” Of course, that was written before Jin-Sheng added airplanes to his resume.  This man is a badass in the Bruce Lee tradition, having mastered enough English to deliver action-movie one-liners at will:

When asked if he was in any pain, he laughed.

“If its painful,” he said, “then you will see it bleed.”

TAMAKERI APOCALYPSE

We’ve discussed Tamakeri before—the uniquely japanese “Porno” that involves men being repeatedly and brutally kicked in the nuts.  For most men, that’s punishment—for a few odd ducks, that’s paradise.  For Tu Jin-Sheng, that’s just getting warmed up. First of all, let’s get the photo out of the way:

Now, I could write a five-part series just off the expression his assistant’s face as he drives his shins into his Master’s nether reigons, but that would be rambling, and I never ramble. More importantly, there’s actual science behind this.  Anyone with a penis is probably wondering how exactly Jin-Sheng is still intact, and like all true Masters, he’s perfectly happy to share his secrets:

In Qigong, there are three important power fields known as san cai. The first is the universe – sun, air and light. The second is earth – animals, nature and minerals. The third is within your body. You must combine these three to truly cultivate your energy.

...when you practice qigong, you must have the right time and the right place. Go to a good place, a natural place or a spiritual place. I practice in the mountains or by the ocean every day. Also practice at the right time when you have good yin and yang energy.

When a master reaches the highest level, he can pull it up. That’s how my son can kick me in the crotch at an exhibition, because it’s not there.”

Let me be perfectly clear—this man is a genuine scientist with a lot to teach you. This is not pointing fingers at the funny Asian man with remarkable Wang, this is not Laugh At Other Cultures Day.  Qigong is an advanced system of self-healing that’s actually much more effective and powerful than anything you’ll find in a US hospital.  For instance, here’s Jin-Sheng’s explanation of the theory behind his power:

For human beings, the reproductive system is the most important source. That’s where your energies originate. Within the human brain, your hormone producing glands are active until you reach puberty. After puberty, that decreases and a most of your hormones are produced by your reproductive organs. You reach a sexual peak in your thirties, after which your reproductive organs start to shrink and you get weaker.

This is why once you reach puberty, it is more difficult to correct bad habits and learn things like a new language. If you have an accent at this age, you will probably never lose it. This is due to the decrease in your brain’s hormonal production causing a decline in your mental capacity to process new information.

Chinese qigong masters realized this. What they sought to achieve was a method of prolonging the peak of your reproductive period. At the same time, they wanted to keep your mind sharp so you could continue to learn new things and cultivate wisdom.

I invite any condescending, “rational” coward skeptics to point out the mythology, symbolism, or superstition in the above quote. 

FULL SPECTRUM EQUALITY

I know what you’re thinking...“Why all this patriarchy bullshit?  What, no Iron Labia?” Calm down. As it turns out, Tu Jin-Sheng has something for the ladies, too:

“There is a different method for women.

Women can also hang a hundred pounds from their private parts. An egg-shaped piece of jade with a dangling cord is inserted inside them. Not many practice this. I only teach it to couples, not to single women.

Actually, there was a lot of opposition in Taiwan for me to teach these skills at all. It was viewed as a skill for prostitutes. Now, thanks to the more open minds of modern science and medicine, people don’t look at me like a criminal for teaching these skills. They know now that the very origin of life is from there.”

Why isn’t this man in California teaching exclusive classes for Belladonna, Madonna, and Wilmer Valderrama?  I don’t know, either.

Anyways, if you want more, check out The International Journal of Sexual Kung Fu, which also features material by none other than Hump Jones favorite, Dr. Newman Lin! The dude is the single greatest mad scientist Taoist Sex expert on Earth, and that’s really saying something.  Also check out his official site here.

Filed in: Sex Science

Next entry: Dear Humpasaur: To Bang or Not to Bang

Previous Entry: Dear Humpasaur: Worst Roomate Ever