Humpjones

Posted May 13, 2008 12 comments

Personally, I can think of nothing as throbbingly sexy as hundreds of people in a big room, all having intercourse in sync and following instructions that are shouted at them by some guy with a bullhorn.  Yes sir, that is entertainment, that is smoking gun proof that Japan remains the same inherently surperior culture they always have been.  In the United States --- Texas, specifically --- they have gang-bangs, hideous staged rituals where a single female athelete (known affectionately as “porn stars") will copulate with hundreds of men.  In most cases, these men have literally come in off the street.  They shuffle around with their pants around their ankles and numbers stapled to their Nascar T-shirts.  There is nothing as empty as a gang-bang, but yet a mass banging is somehow not only palatable, it is truly delicious.

This is pornography that was staged, recorded and paid for by the Rev. Sum Myung Moon himself.  Although I just made that accusation up, if it were true it would be one of the more sane things he has done in his lifetime.  Perhaps pornography is offensive to the sensitive reader, and all this windowgazing is distasteful for the ethically minded, but there is nothing as obscene as the fact Moon had himself coronated as King of the World --- not only that, he did so in Washington, DC and it was attended by hundreds of congressmen and federal officials.  Moon has a very cozy relationship with the Bush family, owns the Washington Times, and is among the richest men on the planet.  He also stages mass weddings in giant Asian sports stadiums, which is why I suspect he’s jacking off to this exact movie, right now, somewhere in Budapest.

Fun fact: everyone naked in this movie was paid about $10 american.  If you want to understand how to manipulate any given mass population, there are really only two places to start.  The first is looking at the past century of local history, the second is to get about 20 copies of different local pornography magazines.  (German and Japanese porn are both particulary abundant lines of study.  As to why this is, we’re not supposed to talk about that on this site.)

Could you have sex in a room with over 500 other people, plus a camera running? Can you piss when you know people are watching you?  A note to reader: looking too closely at sex, or death, lead you to the same uncomfortable grey zone.  Talking about what you see there will get you labeled a pervert, a criminal, and a Very Bad Person.  This is just paranoia and superstition, though, because all the good stuff is contained in that grey zone and you will learn more about yourself and your fellow humans by staring intently at that spot than you could learn anywhere else.  We are created and we will shall be destroyed, and in the meantime, hot damn the sex is sure fun!

What happens to monkeys who are given orgasm buttons?  The “switch” for an electronic implant embedded within their brain, which can trigger an orgasm response every time the circuit is tripped?  In a related question, why is it that statistically, any amount of TV watching you do will increase weekly, always tending towards the national average of 6.3 hours per day? When you smoke a bowl or a cigarette, when you have a coffee or a beer, do you want another one?  Maybe this is stretching, but: is there any way to be “sane” or “mentally healthy” in a culture where sex is taboo and death is entertainment?

But fuck philosophy, right? The real issue here is, who are these people?  Who is that dude with the camera?  Who was walking around with a clipboard taking notes while this movie was being shot?  Humans adapt to anything eventually.  Millions of people work in slaughterhouses, walking through ankle-thick pools of blood and fat on their way to the lunch room for break.  Watching people have acrobatic sex for hours on end is “going to work” for some of us.  (More amazingly still, many humans are even lawyers.)

There are no easy answers, but there is a world full of pornographic options for you to pursue while you rationalize all this away.  When you’re settling back into the emptiness of life, the endorphins released by orgasm make the transition much easier.  Although there is no universal panacea, no perfect remedy, and no dubbed version of this movie yet, I still give three thumbs up for “500 Sex”.  Look for it.

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Posted Apr 14, 2008 155 comments

Welcome to post-reality!  Hope everyone has been enjoying 2008. This dude certainly has been:

Patrinostro was arrested Sunday evening on southbound Highway 101 near the Lincoln Avenue offramp after his car bumped into three other vehicles in 55-mph traffic, said Officer Mary Ziegenbein of the California Highway Patrol.

Patrinostro “told the officer that the vehicle could fly if he went fast enough, and basically just started bouncing off of cars,” Ziegenbein said.

“He was under the influence of cocaine, Valium and marijuana and stated that it was a top secret experiment with his doctor for Area 51 and the government,” she added. “He also stated that he was working for a cure for AIDS by taking the drugs.”

That could be the single greatest legitimate excuse for being fucked up ever devised on cocaine, valium and marijuana.  Definitely better than all my attempts.

I’m going to be giving a talk and then doing a show at EsoZone 2008 in Portland, Oregon, October 8th-10th.  Right now, tickets are $40 for the full weekend.  I’m just the token stoner, though: this event is gonna be full of f’ing amazing people and I’m psyched to be there.  I’ve already been working on my talk for about a month now, trying to explain the Universe to myself has been pretty interesting so far.

Amazing people: the charmingly omniscient Paul Laffoley, the beautifully Satanic Diabolus Rex and the singularly brave Anterio Alli. 

155 comments

Filed in: Zeitgeist

Posted Apr 04, 2008 11 comments

How do you do it? How do you ignore that socially-imposed anxiety? How do you push past the fear? Can you advise me in any way?

Well, boy howdy...good question.

When this first hit my inbox, I knew I was in trouble. 

Humpasaur Jones is mostly just a mask, but it’s also a mask that I carved by hand, and it happens to fit perfectly.  So there’s no sense trying to hide behind something that’s basically transparent, right? 

I’d like to believe that David Blaine can levitate, but I’ve got magician buddies who’ve demonstrated the trick in front of me.  I’d like to believe that making mad money off The Internets is a path to financial freedom and total happiness, but that’s basically on par with buying lottery tickets.

Most of all, I’d like to believe that simple willpower, self-discipline and raw balls is enough to make life work. 

It’s actually not, though.  So when that question first got posed to me, many months ago, I knew I was fucked because it was a reflection of the Exact Same Question I’d been posing to myself for over a year.  No answer then, no answer since.

I’m thinking about it, though.  The answer will involve sex and weird biology.  Many people will disagree with me and leave detailed comments explaining why.  In other words, business as usual is getting underway once again.  Buckle up.

11 comments

Filed in: Dear Humpasaur

Posted Mar 20, 2008 7 comments

“Gee whiz, Uncle Humpasaur, you’ve been gone a long time.”

True indeed. I’ve been working on the 100+ articles I already published here—reformatting and expanding the material into the upcoming book.  I’ve been working on new material, too, but I’m going to save it up for awhile.  I’m doing most of my writing over at the very un-sexy website Audible Hype, which is devoted to helping independent artists with their DIY music career.

In the meantime, I’d like to share the advance copy of my first album.  The final tracklist will be a little different—there’s a couple of gems I haven’t included in this collection.  There’s a couple of tracks on this advance which won’t be on the physical CD.  Keep it Moist will be coming out on World-Around Records and once we’ve got a release date, you will know about it. In the meantime, enjoy this offering and pass it along to anyone and everyone who might dig it.

“KEEP IT MOIST” in .RAR format

7 comments

Filed in: The Music

Posted Jan 03, 2008 69 comments

How can any self-respecting, honest and proud American patriot hate on a Faith-Based Free Market Solution? That’s my question to you, the overwhelmingly weak liberal readers of Hump Jones dot com.  It’s been stated clearly and repeatedly since the beginning of the Global War on Terror (aka The GWOT) this this is Jehovah vs. Allah: Smackdown in the Desert, but that’s a gross over-simplification.  It’s obviously way more complex than that, including overtones of Jerry Bruckheimer Presents World War Three, Starring Will Smith and Kiefer Sutherland.  But I don’t want to get too political or theoretical, here.

Hump Jones Police Report Remix

This is all from an actual report, I just re-arranged it for narrative clarity:

According to the police report, Varemond had asked his girlfriend and his mother, Anne Marie Saget, to pray with him.

When they started to pray, Lagrandeur noticed Varemond “change,” she told police. He locked the doors and jumped on Lagrandeur and started biting her on her back and beating her head with the iron.

Varemond says he hit his sister in the head with an iron so he could release the demons that he said were inside of her. When his 80-year-old mother intervened and tried to stop him, he allegedly bit off her fingertip and started pulling his own teeth out, a police report said.

On Sunday, police kicked down a bedroom door to find Varemond, 44, straddling his girlfriend, Yolette Lagrandeur, 33, a Haitian recording artist and AIDS activist. A Delray Beach police officer drew his gun and ordered Varemond to put his hands in the air, and officers tried to stun him three times with a Taser, only to have the device malfunction each time.

He was taken to the Palm Beach County Jail on charges of attempted homicide, battery, false imprisonment and resisting arrest with violence…

All bounty hunters get caught, eventually.  All pirates get busted at least once.  The Key Question for 2008 is twofold:

1) How much have they already fucked us?

I walk up to you in a bar, visibly drunk.  You know, vithiblee drunkh. I say to you: “The Roman Catholic Church has vowed to ‘fight the Devil head-on’ by training hundreds of priests as exorcists.” Do you think I’m channeling some visionary bullshit, or quoting from a recent newpaper article? Like I have to keep reminding myself: we live in post-reality now, so get used to weirdness. Increase your signal tolerance.

2) How much can we get away with?

As I’ve already mentioned in “Making Money off the War on Sex”, the Vatican has really a lot of money.  It’s important to define a business plan, and you base a business plan on PAIN RELIEF.  You identify the PAIN, and you provide the RELIEF.  Here’s the suffering:

“Too many bishops are not taking this seriously and are not delegating their priests in the fight against the Devil. You have to hunt high and low for a proper, trained exorcist.”

Can you feel the pain or what?

Easy Entry, Huge Opportunity

Check out how low the standards are and tell me you can’t round up just three friends to put in a solid week of amateur exorcism!  This is not just an investment, this is a vacation! This is definitely the most promising career opportunity of 2008, as economic stress increases exponentially and perfectly normal people go completely insane.  This is a growth market, and not everyone is sleeping on it: check out Joel Osteen, who’s doing mainstream positioning for a fundamentalist publicity stunt he’s going to pull in 2008. 

“Fr Amorth added that Pope Benedict XVI wanted to reinstate use of the prayer said to St Michael the Archangel, believed to be the prime protector against evil.

He said: “The prayer is useful not only for priests but for lay people. For example if a lay person knows someone who is possessed and there is no exorcist available they can intervene by saying this prayer, commanding the demon to leave that person.”

That’s right, you read it—THIS MEANS YOU. Jump in on behalf of Lord Jesus, and the Vatican has got your back. Yeah, The Vatican, who control trillions in assets, have their own embassies, and make decisions for one sixth of the the world’s population.

So hey, the Prayer to St. Micheal the Archangel?  Yeah, I got it right here.  This is all you need. Memorize this, get a large bible (hint: save money, go to a church) and some cool-looking blunt objects.  You can find crazy poor people anywhere.  If they kill you, you probably deserved it.  Welcome to the Kali Yuga!

Saint Michael the Archangel, defend us in battle.
Be our protection against the wickedness and snares of the devil.
May God rebuke him, we humbly pray; and do Thou, O Prince of the Heavenly Host -
by the Divine Power of God -
cast into hell, satan and all the evil spirits, who roam throughout the world seeking the ruin of souls.
Amen.

As a paranoid subtext, are you aware of military psychedelic weapons like BZ? Do you think that elements within the US government could be targeting people in the counterculture and driving them completely insane?  Who the fuck bites off his mom’s finger?  Who starts pulling out his own teeth?  Was there more to Twelve Monkeys than I give it credit for?  Are you healthy enough to survive a virus epidemic, this week?  Can you visualize the steps it will take to get there?

69 comments

Filed in: The War on Sex