The Third Nostril, Raw Animal Sex, and You
Posted Aug 22, 2007 15 comments
In the last article, I briefly tickled the concept of the Third Nostril: thought by most humans to be another “joke” from the Church of the SubGenius. Of course, their laughter was choked in their human throats when it turned out to be all too real—but that happens a lot when J.R. “Bob” Dobbs is involved. Watch his hands closely. Today, scientists know the Third Nostril by another name: the Vomeronasal Organ. It is precisely this “somewhat mysterious” lump of flesh that we will be looking at today.
The Crash Course
What does a Vomeronasal Organ do?
That’s a reasonable question! Here in the Western World, we used to answer questions like that by surgically mutilating animals, but now sadists in lab coats have a new weapon at their disposal: genetic engineering, which was put to use in a recent study:
The researchers found that female mice whose vomeronasal organs were genetically disabled behaved like males in the throes of courtship, exhibiting behaviors such as mounting, pelvic thrusts, solicitation and the complex ultrasonic vocalization characteristic of the male mouse. Correspondingly, female traits such as nursing behaviors and maternal aggression were diminished.
Do humans have a Vomeronasal Organ?
Science says no, but Uncle Humpasaur says yes, yes, yes. The official story goes like this: “Though some humans exhibit a small patch inside their nose resembling the vomeronasal organ in rats that detects pheromones, it appears to be vestigial, with no nerve connection to the brain.” This is based on the “analog computer” model of the human brain, a theory that has led us exactly f***ing nowhere for the past four decades of neuroscience research. You can see the New Paradigm poking its head out here and there—“Scientists Say Nerves Use Sound, Not Electricity” sez one recent headline—but it’ll be another few decades before all the old mafia dons die off and we can get some new ideas up into the Ivory Tower.
But of course, why listen to an acidhead rapper who appointed himself as your favorite sex expert? I don’t even have any degrees, right? Call me crazy, but that’s exactly why I’m about a thousand times more qualified to explain reality to you. Witness the painfully degrading spectacle of one of the world’s leading academic experts and Conformity Enforcers trying to grapple with the new findings in neurology:
“For us as physicists, this cannot be the explanation,” said Thomas Heimburg, an associate professor at the university’s Niels Bohr Institute. “The physical laws of thermodynamics tell us that electrical impulses must produce heat as they travel along the nerve, but experiments find that no such heat is produced.”
You catch that? Because reality doesn’t mesh with his Official Story, he’s flat-out rejecting reality. And somehow, I’m the lunatic? Yeah, sure...go play with some String Theory. Uncle Hump is not impressed.
Could You Just Answer the Question?
Oh yeah...so WHY do I say that humans do have a Third Nostril? Because reality agrees with me. Witness yet another recent finding from the good folks at Physorg: “Male Sweat Boosts Women’s Hormone Levels.” I was fortunate enough to figure that out by accident back in High School and I haven’t bothered with the Deodorant Myth since. If you’re under 60 years old, in reasonable health, and you’ve got even a vestigal amount of self-confidence, I have news for you: YOU ARE NATURALLY ATTRACTIVE TO THE OPPOSITE SEX.
The alien master race who created human beings were not stupid. (If you really want to get technical, they weren’t “smart” either, but of course, applying human standards to the creators of humanity is pretty “dumb.”) Just like every other meaningless binary debate in our braindead culture, “Evolution vs. Intelligent Design” is two warring factions, both of whom have one small chunk of The Truth wrapped in countless layers of Total Bullshit, and they mostly argue about the Total Bullshit. Humans were very intelligently designed, and we’ve been evolving into something more dangerous ever since, mmmmkay?
Of course, “teleology” is my favorite dirty word, so I’m definitely wandering a bit here. Let me lay some more proofage on you: “Alpha Male Pheremones Stimulate Female Neurogenesis”—that’s quite a morsel, eh?
What About Deodorant?
Same principle I was discussing last year, in the classic article “Making Peace With Your Tiny Dick”:
Advertising is a great business to be in—you get to install industrial-grade insecurities in children and then exploit them for the rest of your customer’s meaningless lives.
Look over the facts again: 1) humans naturally secrete sex pheremones when they’re healthy and still able to reproduce. 2) these sex pheremones not only create major changes in the opposite sex, they also stimulate the growth of new brain cells. Humans, as you should already know, are remarkable mammals because we reproduce all year long—there’s no set “mating season” for us monkeys. So clearly, deodorant is just another system of social control, keeping the human animals less horny and less intelligent than we could, and should, be.
Sure, there are millions and millions of women who insist they find sweaty guys disgusting—but then again, thousands and thousands of them have slept with me anyway. You can’t argue with results—and you can’t be so naive that you take what humans say seriously, either. They just talk, man.
Spread the Research:
Filed in: Sex Science
Next entry: Dear Humpasaur: August 2007 Roundup
Previous Entry: PHEREMONE APOCALYPSE
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Commenting is not available in this weblog entry.1. Humpasaur on Aug 22, 2007 at 8:17 PM permalink
AND WE’RE BACK UP TO 69! WEIRDNESS.
2. George on Aug 22, 2007 at 9:04 PM permalink
I went deodorant free for 3 years, and through some of the hottest summers in Jersey, just to prove that everyone else stank, and not me. Of course, the jury’s still out on that one for everyone I hung out with, however, a lot of women found it; manly, attractive, primal, etc. Point is, I still got laid, and I saved a few bucks. And, after a while, I couldn’t stand the way deodorant smelled, especially on me, which also made some people repugnant to me as well.
On the other hand, I noticed that a lot of men seemed to feel awkward around me, like they smelled the natural scent of man, and realized they were “prettying” themselves up with their colognes & deodorants. Maybe I was wrong, I don’t know, and maybe I just felt more in touch with masculinity, and what that means in the natural world.
Unfortunately, I currently reside in a semi-corporate work environment, but, the weather’s cooling down, and I’m gonna go back to the au natural ways, just to break everyone in slowly.
Down with deodorant, up with your arms!
3. Bling Finger on Aug 23, 2007 at 12:57 AM permalink
Well if this really is the case, maybe we should use it to our advantage and promote deodorant and lather people up who we really don’t want reproducing in the first place. For example, the entire republican party sans Ron Paul.
4. Humpasaur on Aug 23, 2007 at 1:01 AM permalink
^^See, bro, that’s why I’m a Taoist. That’s already being done for us, Axe alone spends over $50 million a year on advertising, promoting the Fear of Smelling Like a Real Mammal. We get to just blaze mad joints and watch it all unfold.
5. knowfo on Aug 23, 2007 at 1:28 AM permalink
You mistook Heimburg’s quote. He is saying electricity is not the way nerve cells communicate. His argument is that sound is a much more likely candidate.
6. Humpasaur on Aug 23, 2007 at 1:55 AM permalink
This link will explain everything.
7. Woodywoodman on Aug 23, 2007 at 11:42 AM permalink
Come on Unc Hump, your prejudice is showing. Knowfo is right, it is clear that the scientist in this article is not denying reality, he is saying that experimental results support the theory. The article you quote exemplifies the skepticism inherent in good science. No fair misrepresenting reality to conclude that you are more qualified to present it. This is not to say that I don’t agree with your premise regarding the glacial shift in orthodoxy, I’d just like to see a better example.
8. Humpasaur on Aug 23, 2007 at 11:56 AM permalink
If I actually wanted to decieve y’all, would I have provided the link? No brains have been harmed in the making of this prank so far—everyone has caught it, everyone is smarter for it. Except the 100s of people who didn’t comment to tell me they caught it, of course, but I don’t know who they are. “Good faith” is not part of the Hump Jones package.
9. Rizzo on Aug 23, 2007 at 6:02 PM permalink
hahahahaha I love that picture
also, “You can’t argue with results—and you can’t be so naive that you take what humans say seriously, either. They just talk, man.”
QFMFT
10. Steak on Aug 24, 2007 at 11:18 PM permalink
Maybe I feel a little bad that my first comment about an article is negative. Whatever. And maybe I’m being thick about the deodorant comment ("deodorant is just another system of social control, keeping the human animals less horny and less intelligent than we could, and should, be."), and maybe human pheromones are not like any other animal pheromones…
But here are two points: 1: Sex pheromones are not detectable smells (at least to our immediate awareness (as in, ex., a faint smell of cat piss or whatever))--they are un-smellable (word?) components of pit sweat, while the rank odor is principally bacterial in origin...and 2: Deodorant does not chemically change any pheromone molecules, so it cannot be blamed as a deactivator of same.
Conclude that sex pheromones are still very present in any arm-pit scent mix, just that they are masked by whatever scent compounds in the case of persons indoctrinated enough to dislike their own. Further that deodorant is not a tool of intelligence-and-horniness control, but rather a marketing ploy no more insidious than any other ‘health and beauty’ product…
And to assuage any fears, I’m not a deodorant advocate and do not use the junk...and long live a free Vermont and all that.
11. Humpasaur on Aug 25, 2007 at 7:24 AM permalink
^^I don’t think of dental floss as “insidious.”
12. Mehbbed on Aug 26, 2007 at 1:09 AM permalink
If neurons use sound instead of electrochemical signals to send information, than how to we use EEG’s to measure and record the voltage differences across neurons? How come we can use electrical signals to stimulate neurons and not sound waves? Anyways, we can have an analog computer that operates on sound, electrical impulses, or light, so how will this revolutionize the study of the brain and upset the ivory tower?
13. Humpasaur on Aug 26, 2007 at 5:33 PM permalink
Because the sound system runs on electricity, just like any other sound system. We measure voltages and potentials because they are there to measure.
The “upset” to the “ivory tower”—and please, bro, DON’T TAKE ME SERIOUSLY WHEN I USE LANGUAGE LIKE THAT—will be that the brain is not the “throne” of consciousness, nor even the source of consciousness. Until we have a whole-body neurology, theory will remain woefully incomplete.
14. Humpasaur on Aug 29, 2007 at 7:58 PM permalink
Oh whoops, I guess Neurology is second guessing the fundamentals yet again:
http://www.physorg.com/news107620976.html
15. Humpasaur on Aug 29, 2007 at 8:01 PM permalink
Oh, look at that, further proof after the fact, PhysOrg is being kind today:
http://www.physorg.com/news107613674.html