Humpjones

The Quest for Contortionist Porn

Posted Mar 08, 2007 4 comments

Perhaps I’m alone on this one, but I think it’s a crime against humanity that athletic events involve clothing.  The Olympics were originally an all-nude event, after all.  Naked bodies would vastly improve the ratings of pretty much every sporting event known to man, except maybe NASCAR, which isn’t really a sport anyways.  I would actually watch women’s basketball if the jerseys disappeared.

Sadly, nearly all of the sex weirdness and phobia in the Western World can be traced back to Paul of Tarsus, a repressed homosexual who had a nasty sun-stroke seizure episode on the way from Jerusalem to Damascus.  It’s been downhill ever since he perverted the Word of Christ—check the Gospel of Thomas for a handy reference on the Real Deal—into an even more psychotic version of Judaism.  THANKS BRO.

37. His disciples said, “When will you appear to us, and when will we see you?”

Jesus said, “When you strip without being ashamed, and you take your clothes and put them under your feet like little children and trample then, then [you] will see the son of the living one and you will not be afraid.”

The Lord works in mysterious ways, but even Jehovah is downright normal compared to the human libido.  There are people all over the world who masturbate to pictures of women taking a dump in a man’s open mouth—there is nothing anywhere in the Bible half as twisted as that, not even Lot being date-raped by his own daughters.

Of course, once you’re afraid of sex, you’re the perfect customer for any form of bullshit imaginable.  Virgin Birth is actually not much of a stretch—the Artist Formerly Known as Zeus has been impregnating mortal women for milennia, after all.  Plus we’ve got an abundance of documentation of the Lesser Species having virgin births, biologists call it Parthenogenesis, and apparently it mostly just happens to lizards.

It’s an early harvest season in Vermont and there’s this new strain that only lets you keep the same train of thought for 10 seconds.  I was originally going to talk about contortionist porn or something—let’s get back on topic, for Christ’s sake.

The Kama Sutra has been an object of human fascination since it was written nearly 1600 years ago, and we’ve been exploring the limits of pretzel-position perversion ever since.  Contortionists are so appealing because of all the new vistas they suggest to the fevered imagination.

Just watching them stretch is enough to turbo-charge a full week of masturbation.  These woman are dead serious about proving once and for all that flesh is light.  Their willpower is an inspiration to us all, proof positive that all our limitations are purely mental.  Are you aware of your breathing, right now? Can you feel all your cells and your muscle tissue, right now?  They’re all screaming at you to use them, to push them, to hurt them good, to get outside and do something real.

Just kidding—stay inside and focus on the screen, it’s the 22nd century and we won’t even have bodies in 20 years.  Anyways, here’s the two best links for the perverts:

Possi’s Contortion Site - actually pretty cool

CL-Erotic (a pay site with tons of previews)

 

Filed in: Zeitgeist

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