Humpjones

Space Sex and Monkey Orgasms: or, It Must be Sunday.

Posted Dec 30, 2007 4 comments

Carl Jung was fond of pulling out a “random” book from his shelves, opening said book to a “random” page, and seeking advice from what he happened to find there.  He was tapping the fearsome power of synchronicity, and he called this whole procedure “Bibliomancy.” Of course, the power weirdo of today has much more impressive tools at their disposal, and some of them are even useful.  The Internets are an endless (literally infinite) cascade of information getting connected, re-formatted, stripped of context and meaning, and processed into...well, pointless bullshit on Humpjones.com, for instance.

It’s a brave new something, for sure.  On Sundays, I like to pretend I’m not a total failure and act like I deserve to relax.  It’s fun to play pretend. I was dicking around with the computer and I wound up looking at two “random” articles I found on two “random” websites.  Of course, as any real mutant knows, there’s visible structure and invisible structure, but nothing anywhere is ever random. 

Do Monkeys Fake It, Too?

Here’s the greatest lines of 2007:

Female monkeys often utter loud, distinctive calls before, during or after sex. Their exact function, if any, has remained heavily debated.

That works on every concievable level of interpretation.  The study found a huge correlation between women—I mean, female primates—making noise and male primates blowing loads.  I mean, ejaculating.  Man, I’m getting rusty on my sexologist routine.  Spasmodic and rhythmic muscular contractions indicating the presence of ejaculatory orgasm.

Sorry, just clearing my throat.

There’s no causality here, though...which came first, the screams or the pumping jizz?  Do females adapt to males or vice versa?  When you think about it, this is very similar to posing the question of why the penis is shaped to fit into a vagina.  Or is a cunt designed to accomodate dick? This is, of course, the classic stuff of philosophy, and familiar to grade school students everywhere in the USA.  I leave the reader to their own intepretations, assumptions and other such handicaps.

The Dark Side of NASA

Here’s the second greatest paragraph of 2007:

“The issue of sex in space is a serious one,” he says. “The experiments carried out so far relate to missions planned for married couples on the future International Space Station, the successor to Mir. Scientists need to know how far sexual relations are possible without gravity.”

As any trained cosmonaut could tell you, the only answer to that question is: how cute is he, and how drunk am I? It’s a sausage fest up there, we can only guess why someone would think to emphasize “married couples” since that reduces the total field of candidates to....oh, right, these guys:

Jan Davis and Mark Lee met each other during astronaut training and got married before they took off for STS-47, and it’s probably rude to refer to them as “NASA’s guinea pigs of full penetration love”, for instance.  If I was Mark Lee, I wouldn’t want some random sex rapper referring to me as a “Lab Stud” on some damn fool website.  Good think I’m not Mark Lee, though—I wouldn’t want to deal with the creeping paranoia and claustrophobic jealously of being The Only Guy in Space Who’s Getting Laid.  I’ve got a lot of questions for him—did you have to wear sensors?  Did they fill up the whole shuttle with cameras?  Did your fellow crew memebers get to watch or did you just bang in the bathroom?

More importantly, why hasn’t NASA designed a space suit for two?  Instead of dealing with cramped quarters and metal walls that actually amplify your moans and grunts, why not step outside and bang in the total vacuum privacy of outer space?  These are the kind of insights that will be making me the Big Money someday.

Mark and Jan, as near as I can figure out when I’m this high, are the only people who’ve had sex in space without making Jehovah angry.  (Oh yeah...why hasn’t NASA found Heaven? Why do I talk to Christians like they’re adults?) I have no way of knowing if Sex Testing Out of Wedlock has taken place on any NASA voyages, but given my operational knowledge of human nature, the answer is OF COURSE THEY FUCKING HAVE. 

Russian weirdo Yuri Malenchenko got married while he was onboard the space station Mir—and his wife was on the surface, thousands of miles away.  (Oddly enough, the dude got married in Texas at the Johnson Space Center.) That was in 2003, and he’s currently back up in the ISS for a six-month tour of duty, once again.  He touches back down in April 2008, just in time for the solar flares that wipe out Asia.

In Space, No One Can Hear You Scream

Was Marshall McLuhan just a crazy fucking stoner? When he talked about “acoustic space”—what did he really mean?  Do still think in terms of “up” and “down” even though you know better?  Down is inward, towards the center of our spherical earth.  Up is outward, towards the infinite Nothing Much that we float through.  And yet we all still live our lives on a 2-dimensional stage.  Force of habit, I guess.

In the next Sex Science 3030 article, I promise to address how our bodies (and privates) will evolve in space...but I what I can’t wrap my head around is how our minds will evolve.  Once you’re in space, free of earth-based interference and the electromagnetic noise of our shitty human appliances, I suspect that our clairivoyant and psychic abilities will develop to an unthinkable degree.  This is an article I’ve held off on writing for a long time—mostly since it’s going to involve actual research and work.

However, the Universe has spoken, and it’s time.  Like it or not, Uncle Hump is back and I’m going to make the Internets into a much, much weirder place in the next few weeks.  Tell your friends.

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