Humpjones

KICKED IN THE NUTS

Posted Apr 06, 2007 11 comments

It’s a long, convoluted chain of events that led to this article...but the destination is more important than the journey, in this case.  Suffice it to say, I haven’t been kicked in the nuts since I was playing soccer in high school.  Every day, the Universe dangles loose threads in your face—we usually brush them away, but when you spend your days half-naked, smoking opium in a personal library with a laptop on the kitchen table, you have another option.  You can pull on the thread and see what happens when the sweater unravels in front of you. 

Four words—“kicked in the nuts”—can take you to some strange places if you look past the lame jokes and obvious angles. 

10,000 Shades of Meaning

In Japanese, the word “Tamakeri” has two meanings.  The first, more mundane definition is merely “soccer.” Tamakeri could also be taken to mean ”getting kicked in the nuts for fetishistic reasons,” which is much, much more interesting.  If it wasn’t for the footage I’ve seen and will never forget, I would assume this was more urban legend than actual factual.

The small, subtle wrinkles, as always, are the most entertaining chunks of the puzzle:

Apparently, a clean, hearty ‘Slap!’ of impact is very important. Astonishingly, most of the ball kicking sessions are followed by sex, which means tamakeri actors need the superhuman ability to stay hard while their member takes a bruising.

It would be refreshing to think that Japanese women were driving demand for tamakeri videos, revelling in the idea of dominating and humiliating their men. Sadly, the main customers for this kind of thing seem to be masochistic young men. Indeed, it has been much easier for pornographers to find willing kickees than kickers.

It’s All Fun And Games...

...until your khakis get permanently stained.  For no reason at all, I’d like to share a hilariously evil anecdote:

When anyone wants to illustrate how much of a jerk Chicago White Sox catcher A.J. Pierzynski is, they bring out the story of how he reacted to taking a shot in the groin while with the San Francisco Giants. The team’s trainer rushed up to him, put his hands on Pierzynski’s shoulders, and asked him: “How do you feel?” “Like this,” Pierzynski said, jamming his knee into the trainer’s balls.

When you find yourself curled up in a ball moaning, I have another four words for you: “It could be worse.” This is especially true for groin injuries.  The worst of them are generally self-inflicted—if you’re unfamiliar with the diverse and sprawling underworld of “Body Modification,” then hey, welcome to Hell.  It’s not a Biblical Hell, though, it’s more of a Clive Barker, Cenobite kind of Hell—a total nightmare, but somehow still very interesting and creative.  People are never more cruel than when they hurt themselves, apparently.

The exceptions are few and terrible, such as the much-publicized Austrialian accident where some poor dude got his junk caught in a saw mill.

THY NUTS ARE THY TICKET TO HEAVEN

Whenever I start to think I’ve got a grip on how absurd the Bible can be, it thows me a curveball and reminds me that I don’t know shit.  Case in point: Deuteronomy 23:1, which reads as follows:

“No one whose testicles are crushed or whose penis is cut off shall be admitted to the assembly of the Lord.”

I don’t blame you for assuming I made that up...shit, I think I made that up, too.  I’ll probably go back and check on that a dozen times before this article is finished.  I won’t presume to understand Jehovah’s motivation—anyone who thinks the God of the Jews can be understood should spend an afternoon with the Book of Job.  Mysterious ways is an extra-polite euphemism for “infinite psychosis,” but I am only a humble lamb in His sight.

Those who follow the Invisible Allah fare much better when it comes to testicular injuries.  Due to the miracle of Quran science, we know that sperm doesn’t come from the testes at all:

Now let man but think from what he is created! He is created from a drop emitted - Proceeding from between the backbone and the ribs.

So even if your nuts get physically popped from your scrotum, you can still have kids.  Don’t mistake me for a mere heretic, though—I’m perfectly willing to consider the validity of this claim.  After all, it’s clear that modern biology doesn’t have a full grip on the Miracle of Life.  Perhaps there is some additional catalyzing agent that gets added to sperm and semen from elsewhere in the body.  There are many Quran Science advocates who defend this passage using a mix of calm reason and casually bizarre one liners like this:

But the Quran does not say where the semen is produced, because the Quran is not 98% accurate.  It is 100% ACCURATE!

It’s a curious logic, to be sure—but it’s also 100% correct.  (I mean, 100% CORRECT!) If you never mention specifics, you can always claim total accuracy later on.  This is one of the main keys to psychic power, and it will get you laid like crazy.  People who speak vaguely tend to be right—marinate on that.

Free Advice for Young Women

Although the Kick In The Nuts is a classic staple of any playground, I would like to pass on a single nugget of insight I found wandering around the Internets...“working” on this article.  It’s a joke, yeah.  This is all a joke. However, getting your nuts wrenched on—not a joke.  So I share this with great trepidation.  I know that I’m a gender traitor already, so this will only cement my reputation as a non-homo faggot—but this is the kind of shit that girls should be getting taught in school:

...so I just finished a women’s self defense course. One technique the instructor recommended was the testicle squeeze, where you grab one testicle and squeeze as hard as you can for like 20 seconds, and the guy supposedly passes out like turning off a switch.

Now, that sounds like a great technique if the opportunity presents itself in an attempted rape situation since the guy won’t even know you are trying to defend yourself until you start to squeeze, and then in theory it’s too late for him.

The only problem is, the instructor had never actually tried it, or personally knew someone who had. Strangely, my boyfriend won’t let me try it on him (and he claims to love me...).

A word of warning, though—20 seconds is a long time.

Consolation Prize

“On the average, everybody has one testicle”

--anonymous

Filed in: Sex Science

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