Humpjones

“Inbred Mutant Sex Fiends of God”

Posted Jun 20, 2007 3 comments

The jury is still very much out on wether or not Joeseph Smith, the Freemason who founded the Church of Latter Day Saints, was a true believer, or pulling the most ambitious scam of his time.  There is a long and rich history of honest people being honestly decieved by non-human intelligences—St. Paul of Tarsas was attacked on the road to Damascus, Moses was tormented by a demon named Jehovah, and Mohammed was abducted by aliens and came back with the first known case of Stockholm Syndrome.  So there is a precedent.

However, Joeseph Smith, and the Monotheism Joke as a whole, is not what I’m going to discuss today.  No, I’m going to talk about sex—hot, sweaty, blood relative sex. If that doesn’t turn you on, you should seek professional help. 

Hot, Sweaty, Cousin Love

LET ME BE PERFECTLY CLEAR RIGHT HERE AND NOW: The vast majority of Mormons do not practice polygamy, and in fact that’s been true for as long as the Church of Latter Day Saints has existed.  Let me also be clear that this is not some “HA HA” fingerpointing playground bullshit either—as far as bizarre sex practices go, having multiple wives is not nearly as fucked-up as stoning women to death in public.

Wow, this has been a truly hilarious article so far.

Anyways, in addition to the Church of Latter Day Saints—who produce what really are some of the best ads on TV—there is also the Fundamentalist Church of Latter Day Saints, and you can tell just by the name that they’re motherfucking crazy, objectively speaking.  There’s not a lot of them.  Law enforcement has estimated their ranks to be around 6,000 members, although they claim over 10,000.  (Yeah, and Scientology has millions of satisfied customers around the world...)

What separates the FLDS is their stance on polygamy.  All morality aside, having multiple wives isn’t really a major problem as long as you’ve got the money to support 10,000 kids.  The problem is—and this is the source of most social problems -- polygamy is illegal.  In other words, the only solution some dipshit legislator could think of was passing a law about human behavior and morality.  Which always works.

Because of this, the FLDS has to operate in secret, often in claustrophobically small communities out in the desert.  Because of this, the bloodlines of these communities are shrinking over the years, and for the FLDS, ”polygamy” is becoming increasingly intertwined with ”incest”.  Because of this, the FLDS is essentially becoming the biggest petri dish in the history of genetics. 

The Wages of Sin, or Something

Nearly everyone in Colorado City, Arizona, and the adjacent town of Hildale, Utah, was a member of a fundamentalist Mormon sect that practices polygamy and had long encouraged multiple marriages between close relatives.

By the late 1990s, Tarby and his team had discovered fumarase deficiency was occurring in the greatest concentration in the world among the fundamentalist Mormon polygamists of northern Arizona and southern Utah.

Of even greater concern was the fact that the recessive gene that triggers the disease was rapidly spreading to thousands of individuals living in the community because of decades of inbreeding.

--from this excellent and disturbing article in the Phoenix New Times.  (The Old Times was obviously too puss to cover this story.)

There’s a lot of eye-opening factoids and insights in that article, but I will only poach one more:

About half of the 8,000 people living in the towns are blood relatives of two of the founding families that settled in the 1930s

Do the math.

Meet Warren Jeffs

You might recognize Warren Jeffs as “that child rapist guy who the FBI arrested last year.” Sick parasite whore Nancy Grace had a field day—well, a field month—when that happened, and most of the media lemmings followed her shameless lead.  Predictably, most news outlets flogged the “exploited little girls” angle to the fullest possible extent, but the really interesting meat is the internal politics and dynamics of the increasingly insane FLDS leadership:

In order to reach the highest degree of glory in heaven, members of the FLDS believe that each man must have at least three wives. A significant means of prophet power is derived from his ability to punish followers by reassigning their wives, children and homes to another man. Obedience is highly valued, and it is rare for wives to resist reassignment.

When Warren’s dad Rufon Jeffs passed away, it marked a major transition for the FLDS.  When Warren took over as head Prophet of the Church, he accelerated the crazy right off the bat.  His first announcement to the community included one of the most memorable lines I have ever read, anywhere, under any circumstances:

“I won’t say much, but I will say this - hands off my father’s wives.”

He went on to marry all of his father’s wives, and continued to take on even more wives after that—at the time of his arrest in 2006, he had over 60 of them.  In addition to these admirable traits, Jeffs was also slightly prejudiced against the blacks, remarking “The black race is the people through which the devil has always been able to bring evil unto the earth.”

Of course, that kind of thinking is completely unlike the mainstream Mormons.  Well, not really...frankly, the entire history of Mormonism is full of shockingly racist quotes about “The Negro” by their spiritual and political leaders.  It is an article of Mormon faith that black people have dark skin because they were cursed by God, and Mormons only changed their tune in the past few decades because they were forced to.  Just like how the Ford Motor Company no longer publishes magazines singing the praises of Adolf Hitler—it just wouldn’t look good.

The simple fact is this: Black people were not allowed to set foot in Mormon temples until 1978, also known as ”twenty-four years after Brown vs. Board of Education.”

In Closing

Jehovah is a sick monster, and anyone who believes his claim to have created the Universe is a gullible fool.  If I were as debased and callous as Jehovah, I’d be selling you cures for cancer and penis enlargement pills—or better yet, eternal life and The Answer to all your meaningless questions.

I didn’t write (pbuh) at the end of “Mohammed” because who knows...someday that might be illegal here in these United States.  I’m going to enjoy my heresy while it lasts, baby.  Let’s just say I’m practicing ”Infidelity.”

In closing, if you can’t take me talking shit about your religion, that’s utterly pathetic, and proof positive you don’t really believe any of the bullshit you spew out. If you have the Creator of the Universe on your side, and you know The Truth about the Cosmos...and yet my stoned sarcasm is enough to offend you...it’s time to seriously re-examine your “beliefs,” folks.  Because you’re not even fooling yourselves with those lies.

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