Humpjones

How to Stop Masturbating Forever

Posted Mar 09, 2007 9 comments

It’s a problem we all face—self-stimulation.  Moral weakness. Some people have gotten the Hump Jones Dot Com all twisted: sure, we provide links to pornography, but we don’t expect you to use it.  It’s for educational purposes, dude, I’m not trying to incite you to defile your temple or something.

So it’s come to my attention that some of our readers are having difficulty with tugging the boat.  Believe it or not, I once had the same problem.  Truly.  But I have long since triumphed over milking my manhood—and you can, too.  Here’s how.

Ask a Psychotic Fake Doctor

The external temperature of the human body is 98°F, but the internal is 100°F and this increases with masturbation. When the adolescent finishes masturbating, a peristaltic movement of absorption takes place and by effect of the emptiness, the seminal vesicle tries to fill and humid air is absorbed through the penis which is later absorbed from the seminal vesicle to the lymphatic system, arriving at the brain producing a thermal shock and cold spaces between the cerebral neurons and cells and this affects cerebral, physical and nervous normality. Seminal vesicle could absorb sperms instead of air, but this is not possible because sperms have already been expelled; besides, it is easier to suck air than liquid.

Yeah....I bet you didn’t know that.  That nugget was courtesy of V.M. Samael, who can also teach you Astral Travel once you can overcome your spiritual defects.  You can go and drink from his fountain simply by clicking here.

Masturbation is, of course, completely un-natural.  There are some fringe groups—such as “Biologists”—who insist this is not the case, and even claim to have documentation of animals engaging in genital play.  Then again, these “Biologists” also claim that the Earth is over four billion years old, and that humans evolved from monkeys.  I think we can all make our own conclusions, here.

The Taoists knew that the human biological clocks is built around a discrete amount of moni shotzu, which was a japanese term for ejaculation.  Ancient yogis could actually release inside a woman and then, through delicate muscle control, retract the sperm back into their testicles.  Although this has never been reproduced in a laboratory setting, I’m willing to give them the benefit of the doubt.  (You can read more here.)

Another source of guidance and support is the Church of Latter Day Saints, who have provided a truly timeless pamphlet entitled ”Steps in Overcoming Masturbation”—which I cannot recommend enough.  Some key passages:

In the field of psychotherapy there is a very effective technique called _aversion therapy_.  When we associate or think of something very distasteful with something which has been pleasurable, but undesirable, the distasteful thought and feeling will begin to cancel out that which was pleasurable.  If you associate something very distasteful with your loss of self-control it will help you to stop the act.  For example, if you are tempted to masturbate, think of having to bathe in a tub of worms, and eat several of them as you do the act.

In very severe cases it may be necessary to tie a hand to the bed frame with a tie in order that the habit of masturbating in a semi-sleep condition can be broken.  This can also be accomplished by wearing several layers of clothing which would be difficult to remove while half asleep.

Believe it or not, Christians have also considered the problem of masturbation, and you can turn to them for assistance as well.  Check out Holy Spirit Interacative, where they provide a solid Biblical perspective mixed with cool, hip, edgy and dope youth slang.  For a more classical approach, read up on Dr. John Harvey Kellogg, inventor of Corn Flakes, and his brave crusade against autoeroticism.

To stop these hideous acts of depravity, Kellogg strongly advocated circumcision of young boys (note that, up until this era, most non-Jewish American boys were not circumcised), stating that the operation should be done without anesthesia because the remembered pain (and the soreness which followed for several weeks) would serve as a lasting reminder deterring the child from rummaging.

Another deterrent recommended by Kellogg was to wire a boy’s foreskin together at the tip such that any mere erection would become very painful. The wire was of course to be attached by piercing the foreskin with a needle, with the wire following along in place of thread. For the multitude of American males who do not (thanks to Kellogg and his ilk) have a foreskin, it may be worth mentioning that the foreskin is considered to be much more sensitive to pain and pleasure than the bald penis you may currently own.

He also advocated the application of carbolic acid to burn off the clitoris of young girls—advice that has been tragically ignored.  Dr. Kellogg was a visionary, a man ahead of his time, but perhaps someday the world will come to understand the magnitude of his genius.

In the meantime, stop fucking touching yourself.

Filed in: The War on Sex

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