Humpjones

How to Make Money off the War on Sex

Posted Jul 20, 2007 2 comments

What is the War on Sex?  It’s an open-source moneymaking machine for powerful private sector visionaries.  Just like the War on Terror, which has created a whole new National Security Industry: witness the growth of Israel’s economy, as they re-define their occupation of Palestine as one great big extended product test.  (Read more here.) Just like the War on Drugs, which has given America a new form of assisted suicide: the Prison-Industrial Complex, which is the richest vein of irony known to mankind.  Did you know the United States consumes more than half of the world’s cocaine?  Did you know the Land of the Free actually has a higher rate of incarcerated prisoners than Russia and China?  That sort of thing.

But of course, these two markets have already “happened”—both of them are super-saturated with contractors and eager start-up companies desperate to make a buck.  The smart primates are looking for the Next Big Thing: and I’ve got it right here. 

The Basic Setup

The past two decades have seen an explosive growth of political and financial power for the Evangelical Christian Right, which is a massive coalition of conservative, reactionary people with lots of money.  They are already in a state of almost total panic about the Moral Decay of the United States: teenage sex without pregnancy, rising visibility of pornography, and of course drug use. 

There are billions upon billions of dollars floating around the Christian Right.  (That’s the only reason anyone talks about them or takes ‘em seriously at all, if you actually think about it.) All of the money is there to further the glory of God—to reshape the world in His image, to expand the flock and convert more people to His word, and to make life harder for His enemies: Moslems and Secular Humanists.  Better still, the Christian Right has gained an unprecedented level of control over the Federal goverment at all levels, so in addition to the billions of private bucks in circulation, they’re also controlling the flow of Federal funds these days.  And you know who could be there, rolling in all that currency?  You.

Most of you reading this probably think: “Well, I just don’t ‘look’ anything like a Christian, and I’m not willing to shave my mohawk, or get my genital piercings removed.” Believe it or not—no big deal. I won’t lie—you’d probably make a lot more money if you got a crew cut and a shave, wore ties every day, and tucked in your shirt.  Just the same, though, that’s not nescessary, because for “Youth Ministry” work, it’s actually better to look “hip” and “edgy”—kids love that.

Look, there’s only one real question—can you keep a straight face, kid? No matter how you choose to present yourself, you’ve got to deliver on content.  As long as you’re providing Bible-centered arguments that are interesting and compelling, you’ve got a gig. 

And for sheer weirdness and bloodthirsty hatred, it’s hard to beat the Bible—you can have a ton of fun emphasizing passages of the Bible that even fundamentalists are uncomfortable with, such as Deuteronomy 23:1, which goes like this: “No one whose testicles are crushed or whose penis is cut off shall be admitted to the assembly of the Lord.” (No, really, it says that...it’s even funnier in King James: “He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD.” It is my sincere hope that “wounded in the stones” will become a hip catchphrase in the next year, hopefully through a Will Ferrell comedy.)

Learn the Lingo

With a Bible, cable TV, and back issues of Christianity Today, you can learn enough in the space of a week to convince any group of potential customers you’re One Of Them.  You might also want to familiarize yourself with the following landmarks: The Purpose Driven Life, by Rick Warren; The Left Behind Series of Tim LaHaye and Jerry Jenkins, and for a rapid-fire intro it’s impossible to beat William and Randy Petersen’s 100 Christian Books that Changed the Century.

You need to learn the lingo because it’s worth it—you’ll be able to state your case with less effort and be more persuasive doing so.  Observe:

“If we don’t fund abstinence education in our schools,” Linda Klepacki warned, “we will most likely see skyrocketing sexually transmitted infection rates, skyrocketing teen pregnancy and abortion rates, and a return to heavy dependency on welfare tax dollars.”

Is that solid gold or what? A tip of the hat to Linda Klepacki—that’s the kind of go get ‘em zeal you’re going to need, if you wanna get ahead in the War on Sex.

Beware the Italian Mafia

I am referring, of course, to the Catholic Church, the single most successful wing of the Italian Syndicate.  Not only have they netted literally hundreds of billions of dollars, but they’re able to operate in the open, even converting their Roman compound into it’s own autonomous country, “The Vatican.” You have to respect balls like that.  (That’s not a statement of admiration, by the way, I’m saying you literally have to respect them.)

The Italians are both a blessing and a threat.  A blessing, because of their bottomless coffers and totally immoral ways, but also a threat, because you see, the Vatican pushes a different kind of product than the American Christian Right.  Here in the USA, women are simply objects of lust—the carrot, if you will, to the stick of shame, guilt and repression.  However, Vatican-brand Christianity has a distinctly pagan, Goddess-worship edge to it that might be incompatible with your product line. 

A fundamental pillar of the Vatican’s corporate plan is subtly encouraging sexual behavior through Maria worship, combined with encouraging large families through maintaining that any forms of birth control are immoral and punishable in Hell.  This might sound a little crazy, but in the past few centuries—especially the past 50 years—this strategy has proven itself to be sound.  Today the Vatican claims one sixth of the world population as a customer base. Yeah...that’s 1.1 billion people. 

However, in typically schizophrenic logic, the Vatican will still bankroll Abstinence Education—because the Vatican is flatly opposed to sex before marriage.  If that ever changes, the War on Sex will be in serious trouble, but as long as it holds, you can use the Catholics as an ally, but most importantly, a valued customer.

Start Collecting Money

This is not a speculative theory, folks.  The Department of Health and Human Services has a whole department devoted to funding the War on Sex: it’s called the Community-Based Abstinence Education program, or CBAE.  They just got a funding increase of $141 million dollars for 2008. You can get their Federal Grant Wire information by clicking here.  You don’t know what that is?  “The trough,” my friends.  That’s where the federal money comes in, and that’s where all your fellow piggies go to eat it.

If you’re interested in learning who your competition is, here’s a handy chart. Seriously. 

“But I’m not a Christian!”

So? Do you think Pat Robertson is a Christian?  Are you really so naive as to believe that George W. Bush is one?  Yeah...I bet you think he quit drinking, too.  Sadly, if this information is news to you, you’re really not qualified to operate at this level.  I make a living giving people peeks behind the curtain—by nescessity, that means I live behind that curtain full-time.  I see the world a little differently than most people, and that’s the biggest understatement you’re going to read today.

Remember, any group that is built on rigid conformity of thought is dangerous, destructive, opressive, blah blah blah...whatever, yeah.  The world is a horrible place, here’s some chopped ginger and a shot of whiskey, kid.  Buck up. Because any group built on rigid conformity of thought it also exceptionally easy to infiltrate because the standards of “belonging” are so mechanical and superficial. For instance, I have a number of friends, with bookcases full of Noam Chomsky, who made a lot of money post-911 selling T-Shirts and Hats with the American flag on them.  It’s still money, folks. Go out there and get some.  Use it to build machines that give DARPA nightmares, use it to feed everyone you know, use it make the world a far stranger and better place.  Just please stop complaining.

Filed in: The War on Sex

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