Humpjones

Homosexuals Can Kill Babies, Too

Posted Mar 10, 2007 5 comments

Ain’t a damn thing wrong with homosexuals.  On the other hand, military recruiters are among the most disgusting forms of life known to mankind.  Everyone needs a job—some of us club baby seals to death.  Some of us hang around mall parking lots looking for young men with low self-esteem.  We all do our part building the pyramids, and naturally, most of us get to be the slaves pushing stones uphill.

It’s a huge industry, though—not the military, I’m talking about being smug.  This is a Key Tactical Advantage of the whole Humpasaur Jones mythos: there’s no illusions of authority here, anyone can tell I’m full of shit because it’s basically written across my forehead.  This is a clown act by design, I get to be the crazy naked guy while tight-lipped people like Michelle Malkin write about hate-filled liberals as if any of it matters, as if the entire Western World isn’t eating itself alive with the same toxic hatred that’s been driving us insane for thousands of years now.

Do I drink a lot?  Well, let’s define our terms here—how many beers does it take before I can hold my tongue when people tell me that they’re excited about Barack Obama?  How many shots of Vodka do I need to stay polite during a political conversation?  I think my drinking is very much under control—it’s been months since I screamed about prison camps or international pedophile rings or the naked fact that over 30,000 kids are going to die today because they starved to death.

But enough about my White Guilt, even though it’s fucking hilarious and all—let’s focus on Matt Sanchez, the former porn star who’s igniting the latest media circus.  He got an award recently for his courage on the front lines of the War on Terror—that’s right, he’s a military recruiter at Columbia University.  It’s hard for a man to stay sane under that kind of pressure, so he was awarded the Jeanne Kirpatrick Academic Freedom Award at an event called the Conservative Political Action Conference. 

This event was also notable because the Anne Coulter hit a new low and called John Edwards a faggot and got a huge round of applause for it—which is actually kind of reassuring, because for years I thought I was insane or something.  See, it seemed to me that although we’ve all technically graduated high school, hardly any of us actually left...so watching a blonde woman call someone a faggot and get cheered for it was a good “aha” moment for me. 

The War on Uppitty College Bitches

Sanchez faced the same enemy that most military recruiters do—activists.  Activists are basically terrorists these days, and that’s crystal clear when you read about what Sanchez had to endure...check out this excerpt from his New York Post article that started the sideshow:

I figured that a dean [Mary McGee] so concerned about student inclusion would certainly look into a simple case of student harassment. You see, I had a problem: fellow student Monique Dols.

Back on Activities Day, Dols didn’t just lecture me on my stupidity in serving our nation; she also yelled that I was a baby killer. For a Marine, being called a killer is almost flattering - but for months Dols and her friends had been disrupting pretty much every event I attended.

Most men would have broken, but somehow Sanchez managed to soldier on, and keep being paid by the government to lie to kids about the benefits they’d recieve for joining the military.  I’m actually going to pass up the rich vein of material beneath his comment “for a marine, being called a killer is almost flattering”—because the core issue here is the most interesting, to me at least.  It’s also totally unspoken in a “controversy” that’s generated hundreds of thousands of words in print and online.

Does the Military Kill Babies?

Of course they do.  Millions of them. Referring to the military as an organization of baby-killers isn’t an insult so much as a statement of fact.  They could also be called murderers, woman-killers and man-killers, and they could also also be called very brave motherfuckers. This is, after all, a job that tends to involve being shot at, by definition.

The military could be called a lot of things, but none of them are remotely true, because “The Military” is an abstraction, convenient language shorthand that makes a monolith out of what’s actually a sprawling organization of millions and millions of people that operates all around the world.  There are brave young men that drive around wondering if they’re about to be blown up all day, and there are cheap cowards who level entire city blocks by entering a sequence of numbers into a computer.  There are sick fucking monsters who kill civilians because it’s funny to them, and there are noble kids who try to stop bleeding and repair limbs and save lives and not go insane in the process.  The military is all human, and that’s the only thing that can finally be said about it.

And humans?  Humans are liars and humans are shit, by and large—if we’re going off raw numbers, it can be hard to get very enthusiastic about humans as a species.  But there’s no real sense in getting stressed these days—the cops are all stupid and the sex is great. So here’s a beer for Matt Sanchez, and here’s a beer for Anne Coulter as well.  We’re all horrible people, and our worst victims are ultimately ourselves.  Some of us keep shooting, some of us keep drinking, and the rest of the world gets to keep pulling dead babies out of the rubble. 

CHEERS!!!

Filed in: Zeitgeist

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