“HOLY SHIT, YOU JUST OVERDOSED ON VIAGRA”
Posted Mar 13, 2007 16 comments
Breathe. Breathe. The good news is, you’re not going to die. Probably. As pharmaceutical population-control agents go, Viagra is still very much in the minor leagues: according to the lying whores at the Food and Drug Administration, it’s only managed to kill 128 people. Well, okay, that’s only counting people who had a prescription for Viagra and died anyways—you probably got yours through a buddy or some sketchy website. Yeah, that does change things a bit. Come to think of it, The American Medical Association places the actual death count at around 5,640...and that was back in 2003.
Fun fact: after Viagra was approved by the FDA, Pfizer admitted a few months later that 6 people had died during the clinical testing. No, really.
Breathe. Focus on relaxing your hips, try to visualize the blood flowing out of your dick and back into the rest of your body—which needs it, desperately. 2003 was quite a year—that’s around when it got revealed that Bayer had knowingly sold tens of thousands of people a hemophilia drug that actually contained HIV. Once they were caught in the US, they shipped it overseas. In the long run—you know, the slow, agonizing long run—the death toll will probably exceed 100,000. But nobody’s been charged...nobody’s even been investigated for that one. Keep breathing.
Did you know that over in the UK this year, they started selling Viagra over the counter? Yeah, they did it on Valentine’s day. Anyways, you’re suffering from what doctors call Priapism—it used to be called Satyriasis, but I guess that was a little too Pagan for our modern world. Look, I’m gonna be upfront with you, man. If this has been going on for more than four hours, your peter is fucked. Clinically speaking. You’re doing irreparable and permanent damage to the soft, spongy tissue and the future is going to involve a lot of awkward explanations. Assuming you ever have another girlfriend. And on the bright side, you probably won’t.
Avoid looking at your dick. That will actually prolong your erection—the jury is still out on why that is, exactly. Perhaps it’s because of adolescent conditioning...you know, looking down at your willy while you stroke off. Perhaps it’s because we’re all latent homosexuals, and you’re just not manly enough to admit it. Either way, look up, dude. Focus on other things. Breathe.
When you get to the hospital, they’re going to give you an injection, right into the base of your dick. Given the number of veins I can see on your forehead right now, though, you probably won’t feel it. By the way, don’t wince quite so much—Viagra is known to cause blindness and you’re not helping your capillaries out by squeezing your face up so hard. Although you do look pretty damn funny right now. No offense or anything. They’re going to inject you with lidocaine, probably—if that doens’t work, they’re going to start aspirating your member.
Yeah, that does mean more needles. They’re basically going to start draining blood from your general cockular region. You can get more later—if you’re lucky, it won’t have HIV in it. But hey, as long as you’re not on any methamphetamine or amyl nitrate or cocaine or too wasted off those Jager-bombs, you’re going to live, bro. You’re going to live a long and tortured life, and the funniest part is, that chick walked out on you about three hours before you called me. No, no, I’m not laughing at you, I’m just really nervous. Of course I’m not laughing at you. The ambulance will be here any minute, bro. Breathe. Breathe.
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Comments
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1. Sage on Mar 13, 2007 at 1:00 AM permalink
LOL...that was the most random shit i’ve ever read…
good facts to drop though. more people should’ve been appalled by the Bayer incident...it ridiculous how numb society is getting...actually they’ve been that way for a while now...the fact that the FDA even exists is proof enough...i bet my man Rife is rolling in his grave…
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2. todd on Mar 13, 2007 at 1:41 AM permalink
and we’ve been conditioned to not pick up guns and start shooting…
3. JawzX on Mar 13, 2007 at 5:28 AM permalink
Fuckin’ fuck. Todd’s comment does make me think.
4. Humpasaur Jones on Mar 13, 2007 at 3:39 PM permalink
As someone who was actually raised shooting guns, I dunno. Who are you going to shoot? What would that accomplish? I had a list at one point of CEOs, bankers, secret police chiefs, war criminals, etc...but even assuming you had the resources and time to kill off 1000 evil motherfuckers, there’s still 10,000 more lil’ Mengles waiting in the wings to take their place. The mythological conundrum of the hydra is a perfect metaphor for the use of violence against the state.
5. Sage on Mar 13, 2007 at 4:20 PM permalink
futhermore, you can’t really fight violence with violence, it defeats your purpose.
for example on a more personal level, you have the same predicament with people who start to hate their emotions because they feel bad...how would they ever expect to be peaceful if they are always fueling the action they are “against”.
6. mattyg on Mar 14, 2007 at 9:12 AM permalink
yes but what about defending one’s personal freedom when the crackdown happens? what then? somone needs to be free to free more minds......
7. Bling Finger on Mar 14, 2007 at 11:05 AM permalink
Is it just me or when you said guns did you really mean to say penis?
“and we’ve been conditioned to not pick up penis and start shooting…”
8. Senator Knee Hi on Mar 14, 2007 at 1:44 PM permalink
Speak for yourself, Bling. I know what I’VE been conditioned to do with penis. It absolutely involves picking it up. Shooting, though optional is usually hoped for.
9. Sage on Mar 14, 2007 at 9:58 PM permalink
"yes but what about defending one’s personal freedom when the crackdown happens? what then? somone needs to be free to free more minds…”
stop expecting a “crackdown” and start taking care of yourself.
every moment you expect someone else to “free” YOU, you aren’t doing your job and you are bringing that crackdown one step closer.
10. wlg on Mar 15, 2007 at 7:57 AM permalink
bayer is the devil.
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12. Gis on Mar 20, 2007 at 2:58 PM permalink
Interesting read, dude. Like I’ve been saying (and doing) for years- eating weed is nature’s viagara and valium rolled into one. Get some hash, burn it, crumble it into a yoghurt and an hour later you are horny as fuck. Not only that, but you can last for ages and, once you’ve shot your bolt, you can have a great sleep coz your tired and your cock isn’t gonna stay hard for the next 3 hours. Trust me and try it for yourselves.
13. George on May 26, 2007 at 9:58 PM permalink
I laugh every time I read this, and I can’t help thinking it’s written too well to be fictional.
14. barbara bush on May 26, 2007 at 9:59 PM permalink
I agree with Gis
15. Dan Briggs on May 27, 2007 at 8:30 AM permalink
My uncle from Island Pond overdosed on Viagra a couple weeks ago and was in the hospital for almost a week. No joke.
16. DM on May 30, 2007 at 11:49 AM permalink
Fuck man at times you are so confusing!!! I swear I went deaf for 15 minutes after using Viagra. Hell of an orgasm though! Damn dude whats your theory on bayer selling off HIV tainted hemo. Not enough willing participants to test new medicine? Oh another thing I started reading “Finite and Infinite Games” so far a stellar read. Take care!!!!!