Facial Cream and the Foreskin Mafia
Posted Jul 07, 2007 18 comments
There are many hilariously intricate arguments against circumcision, but for this article, the second in the series, I wanted something different. So I wrote up a totally fabricated rant about a conspiracy to harvest little kid’s foreskins and sell them as beauty products. It was a pretty damn strange article, and I paused for awhile before posting it.
That’s a good thing, because it turned out my fictional nightmare is actually daily reality here in the United States. I found out a few days after banging out my fever dream that hospitals do, in fact, keep the foreskin and resell it at a great profit. It’s sadly obvious that parents are not told about this, either. I know what you’re thinking—this jackass is just being paranoid—but buckle up. The abundance of evidence, not to mention money, just compounds the surrealism. How did I not know about this?
Well, because I’m stupid, and usually high. But that’s not really the point.
So What Is The Point?
Check out TNS Recovery Complex—down among the ingredients, you can see “Basic Fibroblast Growth Factor (bFGF)” and you might be wonder if it’s foreskins. Answer: Possibly. There would appear to be a number of sources for “Fibroblasts”—which are just connective tissue, a “cellular matrix” that grows and regenerates cells. They get used for many applications, like healing wounds and burns, and facial cream for the ladies.
However, a quick search does yield up disturbing white papers like A Culture System Using Human Foreskin Fibroblasts As Feeder Cells Allows Production of Human Embryonic Cells. (Yummy....here’s the PDF)
In case you’re not fully grasping what that means, they’re saying they can use human foreskins to create human embryos, and if that doesn’t spook the living shit out of you, you should probably go visit Wikipedia and catch up on human biology. In the next week, I’ll be exploring more fully how all the weirdest science fiction in human history has become daily reality in the past five years.
SO WHERE DOES TNS RECOVERY GET THEIR STUFF? You could ask one of their vendors....so I did. I don’t know why I’m actually putting effort into a Hump Jones article, either, but here’s the fruits of my labor:
Hi there,
Indeed it is made from proteins and other ingredients that have been found in foreskins, but we don’t think they actually get live foreskins and use them. We believe they reformulated it in a lab (like cloning).
Here is a link to a lot of information on TNS Recovery Complex, as we sell it right here on the site and the whole Skin Medica line. We offer samples of other skinmedica products with a purchase.
So, hot damn. We’ve established the most surreal angle of this story is factually true—there are old women spending lots of money in order to rub foreskin puree all over their faces. Honestly, with that out of the way, I have no interest whatsoever in continuing this investigation. Especially with a brainpan full of hasish, you know? You know.
No Rest For The WIKKET
ajolla, California. A U.S. Food and Drug (FDA) Committee recommended FDA approval of Dermagraft, artificial skin made from circumcised baby foreskins to treat diabetic foot ulcers, on condition that manufacturer Advanced Tissue Sciences, Inc., do a post-marketing study. NOCIRC’s attorney was given just five minutes to speak to the Committee in defense of the babies whose foreskins are cut off and marketed without their consent.
“Just five minutes”? That’s a little ungrateful, don’t you think? I mean, they’re babies, they can’t talk at all....they’re lucky to have an attorney at that age. So the FDA doesn’t give a fucking fuck about American bodies and lives—yeah, there’s a shocker, huh?
Just Doing Their Job
Of course, foreskins are being harvested anyways, right? Why not use them? Why not make a profit off of them? After all, Hospitals need the money, baby. Americans might have paid OVER $130 BILLION in income taxes last year, but sadly, we just can’t afford to give our citizens health care—we’ve got people to kill in other countries.
Do you think there might be an overlap between doctors who advocate circumcision and the corporations who profit from this? Even though most of the articles flying around about this implicate Advanced Tissue Sciences, that company went bankrupt in 2003. Perhaps that’s further proof that bloggers are exactly like journalists: stupid as dick and lazy as fuck.
The point is that companies never just go bankrupt—that’s a shell game and you if you’re dumb enough to fall for that, you deserve to be harvested, right? ATS became a company known as SkinMedica—foreskin tissue cultures and all. What’s the hottest product that SkinMedica offers? You already know: TNS Recovery.
On a related note, if I told you that the director of the World Health Organization’s HIV/AIDS Department is saying stuff like “male circumcision has major potential for the prevention of HIV infection”? Would you believe me if I told you that official’s name was Kevin De Kock? More on the UN’s insatiable hunger for human foreskins in a future installment of the Circumcision Saga....let’s get back on track:
Meet Patricia Wexler
It was Patricia Wexler who went on Oprah and slipped up enough to make this article possible:
Dr. Wexler also mentioned a new product that boosts collagen production and can rejuvenate skin called TNS Recovery Complex. TNS is comprised from six natural human growth factors found in normal healthy skin. Dr. Wexler told us the factors are engineered from human foreskin!
That’s still up on the Oprah website to this day. Check it out for yourself...it’s allllll the way at the bottom of the article. How much is TNS Recovery Complex? A little under $100 for a single tube. How much is in a single tube? “0.63 ounces”.
UP NEXT: Remember that white paper from the beginning of the article? Here’s the best line: “As substrate cells, we decided to use commercially available human foreskin fibroblasts.” Are you wondering how much human foeskin is commercially available? I was, too. We’ll sniff around the growing market in human tissue and see if we find anything edible in the dumpster, probably tomorrow, possibly next Wednesday.
Spread the Research:
Filed in: Sex Science
Next entry: Say Hello to Your Future!
Previous Entry: Not Nearly Insane Enough
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Commenting is not available in this weblog entry.1. Denis on Jul 07, 2007 at 12:23 PM permalink
Deserve to BE harvested.
Cool stuff.
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2. Humpasaur Jones on Jul 07, 2007 at 12:46 PM permalink
Thanks...for some reason I still can’t project the text in my head onto the screen yet. Until then, I rely on typing.
3. Metajake on Jul 07, 2007 at 1:25 PM permalink
damn how much can a dude get for his foreskin?…
4. Natalie on Jul 07, 2007 at 2:11 PM permalink
I have an uncle who received a foreskin treatment for his diabetic foot ulcer. I believe it worked for him. I understand the absurdity of foreskins getting recycled into high-dollar face cream. But somehow this all doesn’t really bother me that much. Maybe it’s because I’m a woman. I can’t imagine the foreskin harvesting industry to be that lucrative, but maybe I’m wrong. It seems to make sense to me, on a basic level, to reconstitute and re-use leftover human cells. Of course this does open a Pandora’s box regarding the ethics of cloning.
I guess I need to understand: do circumcised men feel they were cheated or exploited in some way?
5. Natalie on Jul 07, 2007 at 2:15 PM permalink
Also, animal and human placental extracts have been used for a long time in hair and skin beauty products. So females get their bodies harvested, too.
6. Humpasaur Jones on Jul 07, 2007 at 2:48 PM permalink
Well, yeah. First of all, it’s not a nescessary surgical procedure. Second of all, foreskins are actually fairly lucrative, which is something I’ll get into in the next installment. Third, most fundamentally, parents are not informed that their child’s tissue will be sold to corporations, and not only are they not given a slice of the profits, they’re charged money for the procedure.
7. Phyllis on Jul 07, 2007 at 9:29 PM permalink
Oh man, if I were an uncircumcised guy, I would use this shit as a pick up line.
“No, really baby, if you let me rub my foreskin all over your face, you’ll look younger.”
8. Brian on Jul 07, 2007 at 10:00 PM permalink
Wow, the foreskin sounds super useful. Good thing I didn’t let the doctors take my son’s.
9. MantricSpork on Jul 07, 2007 at 11:24 PM permalink
And as a circumcised man, I miss my foreskin.
10. Themikenesedude on Jul 08, 2007 at 3:06 AM permalink
Bwahahahaha!! Millions of women all over the land are rubbing my cream all over their faces that they got from my foreskin!!! Bwahahahaha- I no longer need an evil plan and I shall continue to have women shoot my cream all over their faces!! Hahaaha- Okay I’m done with my evil plans for world domination now....
On a more serious note (and yes this transition is very surreal and more fuckedup than a music video that causes seizures in half its viewers) what do we do for people that need cosmetic work- such as burn victims that live with that physical and psychological trauma of severe burns? If there are actually alternatives what are they? I’m not defending foreskin kidnappers- Actually I want to see if my foreskin is in a file and receive and auction my foreskin on ebay. No really.
It’s just I am fascinated that there are alternatives to treating people with cultured melted down foreskin culture stuff… What are some examples of some?
Peace,
-Mike
11. Humpasaur Jones on Jul 08, 2007 at 10:53 AM permalink
Well, fibroblasts come from a number of sources, and of course, the number one best source for regenerative tissue is good old stem cells—a resource that BushCo and the Religious Right have declared off limits.
Again, my biggest beef with the Foreskin Mafia is not the fact they use foreskins—I’ll be donating all my organs when I’m dead, after all. My beef is that there is no informed consent. If they would just notify the damn parents of the uses of their child’s foreskin, and perhaps even pretend to “give them a choice,” this would be a lot less sinister and creepy.
12. George on Jul 08, 2007 at 12:39 PM permalink
I agree that it’s wrong to not be informed and charged, as you pointed out, ya know, where’s my cut? (pun intended)
On the other hand, if a foreskin can save a life, I think that’s cool too.
Wouldn’t it be great to track where a foreskin cream was purchased, then tell that woman she has it on her face? Maybe I just have a twisted sense of humor.
13. ralph harriman on Jul 08, 2007 at 1:16 PM permalink
To the ladies who can care less about foresskins: Can I cut your clitoris out?
14. Themikenesedude on Jul 08, 2007 at 1:54 PM permalink
Hahaha!! My favorite subterranean porno has become a reality!
Where is Lydia Lunch when a Comments Section needs her....
Oh and I love that word fibroblasts huhuhuh
…
Peace,
-Mike
15. matthewfire on Jul 08, 2007 at 11:52 PM permalink
I’m not sure foreskin is really in the same genital-scar ballpark as the Clitoris. Unless ofcourse your own circumcision included the removal of the head of your Dingus.
3===> - > = :(
16. Ron Low on Jul 08, 2007 at 11:56 PM permalink
It’s illegal t sell your organs in the US. It’s legal for a doctor to charge you money for amputating them and then turn around and receieve a handling fee for the tissue without telling you about the arrangement.
Even if you’re some insane circumcision advocate, you have to be on board for a NEW LAW requiring informed consent when someone’s going to profit from amputated tissue.
17. Humpasaur Jones on Jul 09, 2007 at 1:46 PM permalink
Just wanted to put in a big ol’ “HI THERE” to the people from Vanderbilt University who are tracking these articles on circumcision.
Here’s some Vanderbilt connections:
http://healthpsych.psy.vanderbilt.edu/maleCircumcism.htm
http://www.mc.vanderbilt.edu/medschool/globalhealth/Documents/Acquiring_HIV.pdf
Big dawg shout to Prof. Jay Geller! Keep up the “good work”.
http://www.vanderbilt.edu/gradschool/religion/faculty/facultypages/geller.html
18. the.thistle on Jul 21, 2007 at 7:31 AM permalink
Thank you, Hump, for your dedicated reportage on this important topic.
The most common ingredient in “anti-aging” skin creams is a form of human and animal waste: urea. Now, a certain amount of urea gets excreted through the sweat glands and actually helps to firm the skin, but most of the body’s urea is at its highest concentration exactly where it sounds like it would be: in the urine. I sure do wonder where they get all that urea.
The “skin care” industry is largely unregulated. So is the “hair care” industry. Which means that most of the chemicals you see listed on the bottles of the shit people buy are minimally tested or untested. Or known carcinogens. If I was a betting man, I’d guess that most of these things are by-products of some industrial process or another. Think it’s a shame just to throw it away? Mix it with goo and get people to rub it into their skin. Tell them it’s good for them, then suppress any information to the contrary.
Civilized capitalism is a vast, informal science experiment, and we’re the lab monkeys, my friends.