Humpjones

Dear Humpasaur: September 2007 Kickoff

Posted Sep 21, 2007 1 comment

Humpasaur Jones Portrait by Charles Choiniere

Does this famous “injaculation technique” really exist and, if so, could you provide a simple method to achieve it?

Ah yes...here we flash back to a classic Hump Jones article, “Supersperm: The Power of Manjuice.”

In Taoist sex traditions, the man has his orgasm without ejaculating. He injaculates, instead. By pressing an acupuncture point located halfway between the anus and scrotum, the ejaculation can be reversed into an improved orgasm and the semen is recycled from the full prostate and reabsorbed into the blood.

You already know I tried it.  It didn’t really “reverse my orgasm”—it was definitely still blowing a load, but man, the sensation of that stuff backing up into my bladder was highly unwelcome. True to advertised claims, I did indeed get the following result: “Cloudy urine indicates that the semen has passed into the bladder.” What they didn’t mention is that the semen actually clots up in the bladder, which leads to one of the most disturbing sensations I’ve ever dealt with in my life.  I’m sure you can see where this is headed, and I’ll spare you further details—suffice it to say, I was not especially impressed with the Injaculation Experiment.

How’s the “War on Sex” going?  Does it even exist?

Here’s my flat policy for doubters: if you don’t believe in the continued existence of the War on Sex, go masturbate in public.  If nothing happens, let me know and we’ll have a discussion.

Paul Cambria SuperlawyerThe most recent turn of events was the “Adam Walsh Child Safety and Protection Act”—which is already being called the “Porn Star Registration Act” in most circles, since that’s one of the key provisions.  That’s right, the Department of Justice is very concerned about having, on record, a listing of every “adult film performer” in the United States.  Specifically, “photos, stage names, professional names, maiden names, aliases, nicknames and ages on file for the inspection of the department’s Child Exploitation and Obscenity Section.”

By the way, that’s not an upcoming law, it was passed last year and lawyers like Paul Cambria are currently arguing over wether or not it’s Constitutional.  On a related note, if “the pursuit of happiness” doesn’t legally cover orgasms, it should. I mean that from a very serious legal standpoint: any meaningful definition of “happiness” will involve neurological data about what kind of brain activity is involved with being happy.  All of those brain areas are also activated by an orgasm—so from a biological and technical standpoint, orgasms are happiness, and thus Constitutionally protected, just like our freedom of speech and....oh wait, right....nevermind.

I was wondering if you could point me towards some literature about open relationships, possibly detailing potential problems and how to deal with them?

Yep.  This is the best place to start: Franklin’s Polyamory FAQ.

Is it possible to get tendinitis from jacking off excessively?

Sure, if you’re doing it wrong.  The same is true for using a computer keyboard or playing guitar.  So, do it right.  Fortunately, there’s a whole website devoted to teaching guys how to Do It Right, as well as learn new tricks: “Advanced Masturbation”

Uncle Humpasaur, like all sex experts, recommends you “switch it up” regularly to keep your love life fresh—even if there’s nobody else involved in that equation, it’s still good advice.

What the fuck is a Crockus?

Well, I didn’t know either, until you asked.  Apparently, the crockus is part of a performance art prank.  Dan Hodgins is either a genius comedian or a complete asshole, and probably a mix of both.  He’s been giving straight-faced presentations to education boards around the US about the gender differences between how boys and girls learn, and he’s been talking about a region of the brain that actually doesn’t even exist.

the crockus dan hodgins
click to enlarge

Dan’s work is truly hilarious—I saved a copy of one of his most entertaining articles: PDF copy here.

Using PET scans, and other brain imaging techniques it has been documented that the resting female brain is as active as the activated male brain. In other words, more going is on in the female brain. The female brain is never at rest, frequently has trouble sleeping at night, dreams in color, and often causes talking during sleep.

This was an exceptionally funny story.  When Mark Lieberman contacted Hodgins for clarification, he offered up this gem:

Thanks for asking....The Crockus was actually just recently named by Dr. Alfred Crockus. It is the detailed section of the brain, a part of the frontal lope. It is the detailed section of the brain.

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