You Can Ask Humpasaur Jones Anything
Posted Aug 13, 2007 11 comments
Okay, so things got a little out of control. Given my diet, which is heavy on marijuana and coffee, perhaps that was inevitable.
When I was in high school, I did exactly two extra-curricular activities: soccer and acting. I never stuck with either one, and I often rationalize that by blaming the coaches and the directors, but the flat reality is: I really sucked at both soccer and acting. I mention this for two reasons: one, so I could have an excuse to link back to the article on being kicked in the balls. Two, because Humpasaur Jones is—of course—first and foremost an act.
Nobody gives a fuck about economics. Nobody should. We either have enough money for beer, or we don’t. The fact I was completely fuckin’ right is something we won’t dwell on.
Nobody gives a fuck about my bad moods. Nobody should. And I should know better than to hop on the damn computer when I feel like punching God in the face. This might sounds suspiciously like an apology, but you’re insane for thinking I’d ever do that. Instead, I’m just acknowledging that, in recent months, mistakes have been made. Most of those mistakes are in the process of being wiped off the database.
Here is what you should expect in the immediate future from Hump Jones dot com: sex. There is absolutely nothing else you should ever expect from Hump Jones dot com in the future. Well....except an interview with DJ Squid...but we’ll be mostly talking about sex, so my point remains. We are going to be attacking the following issues:
1. The History of Human Sexuality
2. The Biology of Arousal
3. The Origin of Western Culture (or, The Ascendance of White Bullshit)
4. The Horrible, Horrible, and Wonderful Future of Sex Toys
5. An Actual Investigation in the $$$ Behind the Adult Industry (it’s not what you think)
6. A Hands-on Investigation into the “Squirting” Phenomenon
7. Actual Interviews with Actual Porn Stars (Really)
8. A Sexual Model of Human Culture and Memetics, aka “the full penetration civilization explanation”
IN ADDITION to the themes listed above, there will also be specific followups on the following:
a. Part Three of the Fake It Until You Make It series for teenagers.
b. A detailed look at the validity of my theory that most human behavior is being controlled by Toxoplasmosis sex parasites.
c. A investigation of wether or not the Kama Sutra was derived from the I Ching, complete with insane—yet technically feasable—reasons as to how that would even be chronologically and geographically possible.
d. Genuine relationship advice from a polyamorous hippie veteran of the swinging 90s. I’m not going to pretend I have good advice, but it’s definitely new advice…
e. And, due to repeated requests I’ve been ignoring for months, there will finally be a Recommended Reading list so that you guys can check back with all the great authors I’ve been blatantly plagarizing this entire time. (Helpful hint: I steal most of this stuff from Ayn Rand.)
ON TOP OF THAT, we’ve got a genuine real-deal advice column we’ll be adding to this site where you can directly submit questions to Uncle Humpasaur, and I will flip a double-headed quarter to determine wether or not to answer it. (Basically, if I like your question, I’ll guess heads, and if I don’t, I will probably guess tails.)
And of course, all of this will be geared towards the 2008 publication of Human Sexuality for Filthy Apes. Once again, thanks to all 10 of you who stuck with me through the bullshit. It will all be disappeared shorty, including this message. If you bring this up, I will just stare at you for a few seconds and walk away, cuz....that’s just how I roll.
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Filed in: Zeitgeist
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Commenting is not available in this weblog entry.1. DOESITMATTER? on Aug 13, 2007 at 11:22 PM permalink
I WAS REALLY SURPRISED BY THIS POST… I HAVE READ EVERY ARTICLE YOU HAVE WRITTEN ON HUMP JONES, AND I HAVE NEVER BEEN DISAPPOINTED. SO, ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY YOU DISAPPOINTED YOURSELF?
2. Humpasaur on Aug 14, 2007 at 1:07 AM permalink
My brain is much too disjointed and chaotic a place for disappointment, that would require more continuity than my cerebellum can muster. It was just a Moment of Clarity that happened in public, is all.
3. Xenu on Aug 14, 2007 at 5:24 AM permalink
Scientology will help level out your manic depressive tendencies.
4. Humpasaur on Aug 14, 2007 at 5:39 AM permalink
^^If I had any, I’d be interested.
5. Themikenesedude on Aug 14, 2007 at 8:18 AM permalink
Yeah. I’m sure glad I don’t have manic depressive tendencies. I heard of some guy who got to the totse boards and tried to pick people up for a UFO cult… and well it’s really funny but he used the pitch that the UFO cult would get this other guy out of his manic depressive tendencies. It’s always the weak ones they pick up to give them the money to donate donate donate to a con con con.
Speaking of which my aunt had an exboyfriend in the 60s who got into scientology and when he tried to get out well he had to go through therapy especially because his kneecaps were broken- I mean literally- He was in legbraces. That’s why I always wanted to be a scientologist. So that I can break peoples kneecaps for them to pay up- and with lawyers better than Cochran and all the dough to afford them so it all comes out legit. I can get away with robbing people blind that way.
Also I can exploit weak and misguided people and especially get them to pay up. If you work at the dianetics center in san diego not only do you have to sit through a creepy film with john travolta and everybody being all up on their high horse but if you work reception there you DO NOT MAKE MINIMUM WAGE- EXCELLENT! How do they get away with it? You’re only paid for referalls! So if I was a SUPERVISOR there or in charge of that I could rob an employee BLIND! How do they make the money? It’s only based on referalls for the people who you can convert. And they get away with it. I highly recommend for employee experience you go to the Dianetics center in San Diego and ask for a receptionist job so that you can learn more about this wonderful CULTure of this religion… A religion that came from the same place as Star Trek and the passion of 40 year old virgins. Better yet and this completely should rule: Bring a lawyer with you and you can learn with you, the lawyer, and the interviewer there how and why the Church of Scientology owes you NOTHING for all that entrylevel work you’re trying to get going.
Speaking of receptionism scientologists have been really famous for vandalizing many webpages. Search electronic frontier foundation here or anywhere else. They have vandalized many an antiscientologist sentiment, which is cool because if I was a scientologist I could go anywhere on the web (especially with their legal team) and basically virtually put on every website of the world MIKE HAS THE BIGGEST DICK IN THE WORLD AND EVERYBODIES HIS BITCH! Ysee thats what is awesome about what you can do as a scientologist because thats one of their fortees is vandalizing webpages…
Hey Xenu- why was it again that William S. Burroughs was not only excommunicated from the cult (no offense a technical term for a belief system is “cult” you know) but he also was one of the only people not to vanish or die under mysterious circumstances after leaving? I want to know especially since William Burroughs gave the greatest contribution of anybody to the cult of scientology.
Anyway I thought since a couple of posts off we were kind of getting off topic I should bring up why you should bring up these perks to xenu- one of the people who is newer here. (Not you Hump- I’m talking to the “television audience"- Everybody else reading this that is interested dig?)
6. Senator Knee Hi on Aug 14, 2007 at 8:09 PM permalink
Aw. Poor Humplet. Sounds like someone could use a hug.
7. FINCHI on Aug 14, 2007 at 8:42 PM permalink
TELL DUDES TO STOP USING THEIR TONGUES AS A PUTTY KNIFE TO SCRAPE THE CONCRETE OFF OUR CLITS CUZ AS FAR AS iVE SEEN THIS MORNING, THERE ISNT ANY. THEN MAYBE WE CAN TALK MORE ABOUT RECIPROCATION.
8. Themikenesedude on Aug 14, 2007 at 9:40 PM permalink
Awesome Finchi. I don’t know what that meant but it sounded really cool! Thanks for giving us a tight quote!
9. Jason on Aug 15, 2007 at 8:48 AM permalink
As far as #6 goes, you need to interview Cytherea. She’s got a website, but there are lots of free streams if you google the name.
It really is amazing, and it blows any other squirter out of the water 10 times over. Seriously, lol.
10. Themikenesedude on Aug 17, 2007 at 7:13 AM permalink
Thanks Jase- I remember the name but I don’t know if I have dled or bought any of her stuff- You can just go here too:
http://technorati.com/tag/Cytherea
Even though sorry it is not really “Everything in the whole world about Cytherea” unless there is not much to say about Cytherea but since the name’s been dropped enough and she’s been successful enough in the industry I doubt that’s the case…
Peace
11. squidly p. teuthis esq. on Aug 21, 2007 at 6:38 PM permalink
you should be ashamed of yourself yo