Humpjones

What Not To Do When You Go On Tour.

Posted Dec 01, 2007 12 comments

I run about 10,000 websites at this point, but here’s another one: it’s called Audible Hype, and it’s all about a DIY music career.  I’m currently running Wombaticus Rex, Algorhythms and Humpasaur Jones, as well as starting the label World-Around Records, so the site is basically a running journal of everything I’m learning.  I try to keep things professional over there, but I’m also pretty upfront about being a broke hick rapper with no fucking clue what I’m doing.

I do know enough to know when I’m doing it wrong, though, and let me tell you, this December tour I’m leaving for in about 12 hours is a textbook case of Disaster by Design.  I just so happen to be looking forward to it for that precise reason.  I also realize that most humans are not wired for that kind of insanity, so let’s frame this whole adventure as a Cautionary Tale, complete with lessons and good advice.  Ready?

Never Do a Tour Without Confirmed Gigs

I have exactly one.  It’s in Buffalo, New York, on Sunday, December 2nd at Broadway Joe’s.  The folks in Constant Climax, and their management at Deepthinka Records, were kind enough to put me on the bill.  After that?  I honestly have no idea what’s going on, and that’s probably not a good thing.  It means I can’t promote a single gig I’m doing, it means I can’t do research on the areas I’m headed into, and it means I can’t keep anyone back home informed about where I am and what I’m doing.

My biggest chunk of advice to broke rappers and DIY musicians: be polite, but don’t fucking be nice. Being polite is 100% nesecessary, be professional, be courteous, be honest.  But being nice is when you give someone more credit than they have earned.  Being nice is trusting people when you know damn well there is exactly one person you can trust.  You need to have access and control to every detail of your tour—or guess what?  It’s not your tour.

This means: contact information for every venue you’re playing at, contact info for the local artists you’ll be playing with, and contact info for anyone and everyone you know in the area.  This means multiple copies of a written schedule that includes all of the info, plus the addresses of all your gigs and the agreed amount of payment for each stop on the tour.  For more common-sense, good advice, check out Jeri Goldstein.

Never Do a Tour Without Money and Merchandise

I set up a hectic and ambitious schedule for getting two albums done in a single week: recorded, mixed, mastered, out the door and into the hands of the manufacturing plant.  I didn’t get that done.  Shocker, I know.

Of course, I don’t exactly have a job, either, so that places me with about $0 in funds as I pack my bags today.  Not complaining, just explaining.  This is, remember, merely an instructional video on What Not To Do. 

Despite coming off as the Dirtiest Old Uncle on Earth, I’m actually burdened—nay, handicapped—by several core principles which have complicated my life a great deal in the past few years.  For instance: no, I’m not going to sell people a burned CD with a permanent marker cover.  Sure, I think my music is worth money, but that doesn’t give me an excuse to be moving shitty product.  Would you buy a pizza in a plastic bag?

Never Do a Tour Without a Support Network

....and I’d never do that.  The biggest reason I’m looking forward to all this, and none too worried, is because of my friends.  Well, my family, my tribe..."friend" is a mighty devalued word these days, after all.  I know that Louis Mackey and Uncle Duke have my back to any extent once I reach Illinois.  I got my bus tickets paid for through my friends at Fallen Arrows, and that wouldn’t have worked on short notice without Charles Blingus saving my ass.  For the record, Blingus has been pretty much continuously been saving my ass for several years now.  This site would not exist without him, and neither would any of the others.

Awhile back I did a Brainsturbator article on who I am and what I do, and it was an exercise in personal clarity and personal branding.  It also omitted the fact I wouldn’t be anything or do anything without the support of my family.  I have a cell phone now, it’s a gift from my mom.  I have a business now, it would never exist without my partners.  I have a Muse now, too, but she’s appearing courtesy of her own damn self.  We’re still trying to figure out why the Universe went so far out of It’s Way to set that one up.

Bonus Advice from an Anonymous Mentor

1. All women have STDs.
2. Never drink a drop until you get paid for your show.
3. Get contact info from EVERY other artist on stage that night.
4. If you don’t have business cards, you can’t do business.
5. Anyone who wants to smoke you down has shitty weed anyway.
6. Ignore any conversation about politics or other musicians.
7. Always grocery stores, never restaurants.
8. Never let anything you own leave your sight.
9. Give the audience what they want, but fuck what they expect.

Filed in: The Music

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