Humpjones

Welcome to the Porn Business, Mr. Jones

Posted Jun 01, 2007 8 comments

The logical place to start would be Where I’ve Been, with a side dish of What I’ve Been Doing.  Fortunately, I’m drunk right now, so don’t worry—there will be no explanations from me.  They would all be lies anyway. 

I’ve been in Montreal, hiding from some charges that involved a freezer full of snowballs being thrown at some cops back in May.  Is it still May?  Either way, I’ve been diving headfirst into the pornography biz and let me tell you—I can’t figure out why I didn’t do this back in high school. 

...STILL A STUPID HIPPIE FAG

Given all my recent research on making huge amounts of money online, I’m probably doing this all wrong. What I should do is package this article up as a PDF and pad it with a bunch of NLP templates to alternately make the reader feel empowered and totally inferior to me.  Then I could sell it you via email for $97.  Instead, I’m just going to give it away free, knowing that nobody will take advantage of the buffet table I am spreading out before you.

I got wired $1000 this week.  Have you ever been wired money?  It’s pretty damn cool. The name on the transfer wasn’t even mine, but I have ID to prove that it was.  I walked out of the Western Union with ten $100 dollar bills, and I got that money from pornography.  I haven’t contacted any venereal diseases, and I have yet to try heroin.  (Cocaine?  Not a fan.) I didn’t fuck anyone on camera, and I didn’t hire models to copulate for me.

Well, wait, let me rephrase that...I have hired models to perform sex acts for my entertainment before, but what I’m saying is, that’s not what I got paid for.  “Beyond the scope of this humble article,” as I say so often when I’m too lazy and/or stoned to pursue a train of thought. 

You, too can make money off the Pornography Business without ever dealing with porn stars, learning what an f-stop is, or having to suck Al Goldstien’s warty dick.  Of course, this also means you never get to party with Charlie Sheen, eat mushrooms at the AVN Awards, or ejaculate on Tera Patrick’s back.  Don’t misconstrue me—there’s a lot to recommend the West Coast incarnation of Big Porn.  It’s not all herpes and rugburn, kids.

HOW IS THIS EVEN LEGAL???

I DON’T EVEN KNOW!!! But it is.  And if it’s not, fuck it, I’m still getting away with it and so can you.  It’s called Affiliation—this is not pyramid “Affiliate Marketing” schematics, but if you’re interested in the Hump Jones Overnight Millionaire Regimen, I have a totally BULLETPROOF master plan to sell you for just $49 that will TURBOCHARGE YOUR INCUM and MAXXXIMIZE YOUR SUCKCESS.  Just put the money into my paypal and let me know if it worked!  Sorry, no refunds.

But seriously, folks—not that I was kidding—let me pose you a question.  Did you know that most of the porno sites you occasionally visit offer programs that make you money for free?  Does that sound insane?  Are you highly skeptical of my claim that I actually get paid to look at pornography?  Because I do, and see....your skepticism is exactly why I make so much money doing it. Hardly anyone believes me when I talk about this stuff, which is why I’m kicking off Phase Two of the Hump Jones Experience with this particular article.

AM I TESTING YOUR PATIENCE YET???

So far, that’s been 8 paragraphs with zero actual content.  Here’s the blueprint with no further bullshit: I look at pornography in order to create customized galleries and find quality material for a site we run that is not even launched yet.  I will not name it here, but I will say that it has already made us (way too much) money, without a sitemap or even a shred of that ”SEO” horseshit that most web hucksters will beat you on the forehead for not knowing.  (And then when you do know it, you realized even they don’t use it properly...but that’s beyond the scope of this humble blah blah fuckin blah...)

The demand for porn really is that high.  Only having seen it in action, working for me...only now do I truly appreciate what the statistics really mean.  For instance, that around 40% of all internet traffic, at any given moment, is people looking for something to masturbate to, or at least fantasize and fetishize over.  If you would like step-by-step guidance from established experts who are much more competent and coherent than me, well, that’s coming right up.  Because look: you’d be insane to listen to me, especially considering I just made that last statistic up.

Let the folks from Sensual Liberation Army walk you through the process.  I will only vouch for it, and say—and here’s the only true thing in this whole article—that I’m drinking some amazingly good Hondouran coffee right now, with soy milk, all of which was paid for through a porn site that’s not even up and running yet.  This really works, if you do it right. The reason I’m giving away my “secrets” is because I know that hardly anyone reading this will follow through, and probably none of you will do it right.

Yup....feels good to be back.

THE REAL MEAT IS RIGHT HERE

SLA GUIDE TO MAKING REAL MONEY WITH PORN AFFILIATE PROGRAMS

Filed in: Zeitgeist

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