Humpjones

The Single Greatest Image In the History of The Entire Human Species

Posted Oct 03, 2007 5 comments

When I came across this picture, it was like the first time I ate LSD, mixed with my first whole-body orgasm and that time I almost converted to Christianity on acid at 6 am naked.  That doesn’t really do it justice, I know. Perhaps I should provide a few paragraphs of blank space to give you time to recover?  No, that would be crude...and hard for me to figure out how to code...I’ll just advise you to pause a second and verify the fact you’re still breathing.

Okay.

I am going to make the case, since no art historian or cultural critic that I know of has done so, that the image you see above is the single greatest image in the history of the entire human species.  Nothing that you or I accomplish, from here on out, is going to express the meaning of humanity much better than that. 

In the past thousand years, we’ve seen a truly amazing explosion of human art.  Egyptians might have had a few tricks up their sleeves in exchange for kissing alien ass, but their art can’t even touch Leonardo, you know?  What can? Thanks to natural human imagination and perversion, mixed with fearsomely powerful drugs, human art has reached a level of detail and photorealism that approaches magic.

Just the same, take a look at that photo again.  Think about the past 3000 years of cultural conditioning, brutal warfare and oppression, amazing scientific advances, and of course, art and music—all of which had to happen exactly as they did in order for that photograph to exist.  The entire sociological DNA of the United States of America are holographically embedded into that picture.  The longer you look, the more you will see.  If you kept Heironymous Bosch alive in a sealed chamber for 1000 years, spiking his food with mescaline and bombarding him with pornography and huge photo books of animals and insects, he still wouldn’t have imagined that scene. That is real.  That really happened, and it was caught on film in some school hallway. 

What School Hallway?

Does anyone have the slightest idea what the context behind this photograph was?  Do you feel like making up your own? JOIN US.

Anyways, the older fellah, he’s clearly a graceful dude.  You can see from how he holds himself that he used to do one-armed pushups (those elbows are a dead giveaway) and he’s clearly got a lot of affection for the little kid next to him.  As for the the little kid next to him, he looks like he’d be fun to hang out with.  I can’t make out anything legible in the photo—if anyone has any ideas, let a mammal know.

Bonus Question

Q: Hey, wait a second, is this vapid filler?

A: Yes and no.  Yes, it’s sure as hell not an article, but no, this was just so fundamentally Great I had to share it.  There will be a much more detailed and tasty article up tomorrow. 

Filed in: Zeitgeist

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