Humpjones

The Scientific Reason Why Many Beautiful Women Should Have My Babies

Posted Oct 01, 2007 10 comments

Once again, my inbox delivers futher proof that this whole Humpasaur Jones shtick was an Inspired Choice.  The good folks at PhysOrg, who always provide great content and distorted headlines, offered me the following:

Men who have lower-pitched voices have more children than do men with high-pitched voices, researchers have found. And their study suggests that for reproductive-minded women, mate selection favours men with low-pitched voices.

The study, published in Biology Letters, offers insight into the evolution of the human voice as well as how we choose our mates.

Next Time, Just Call Me

You know it breaks my heart to see people spending tens of thousands of dollars on long-term studies that prove...what exactly? That Barry White songs played at over 80 decibels will make any pre-menopausal woman within vibration range get signifigantly aroused?  Yeah, no shit...Barry figured that out decades ago. And again, just like my long-standing theory that sex education should be merged with recess, it turns out that I should have stuck with what puberty gave me instead of increasingly pretending I don’t sound like James Earl Jones at a bluegrass show.  I do.

Over the years, I found the basic timbre of my voice went way up, mostly because being a skinny white kid and talking like Barry White tends to alarm people.  We condition ourselves to reduce friction, and years later, we suddenly realize that we’ve tricked ourselves.  Life is great like that: we generally spend the first 20 years laying an intricate series of emotional and intellectual landmines, then spend the next 20 years getting limbs blown off by our own forgotten lies.  FUN STUFF.

...women find deeper male voices to be more attractive, judging them to be more dominant, older, healthier and more masculine sounding. Men, on the other hand, find higher-pitch voices in women more attractive, subordinate, feminine, healthier and younger sounding.

I’m not so sure about that last part.  I find women with exceptionally high pitched voices frankly scare the living hell out of me.  I find it hard to be around them, since every vowel they enunciate is hitting a specific frequency that makes the plates of my skull vibrate violently.  The bonds between them, which fused during my childhood, start to throb and I find myself struggling to think in complete sentences.  I’m not into it, basically.

And Oh Yeah There’s A Catch

Of course, the great thing about PhysOrg is the last paragraph, where you finally get to read the details and realize, “holy shit, this experiment was based on such a small and inconclusive data set it’s absurd to pretend it proved anything at all.” This is generally followed by something along the lines of “wait a second, these scientists are completely distorting their findings to attract media attention.” Depending on how smart you are, this either followed by sadness at being betrayed yet again by reality, or a slight smile and nod as you acknowledge the magic trick, and move on a little wiser.

Anyways, I ramble...here’s the catch:

Feinberg and his colleague Coren Apicella chose their subjects for this study from the Hadza of Tanzania, one of the last true hunter-gatherer cultures. Because the Hadza have no modern birth control, the researchers were able to determine that men who have lower pitched voices have more children than men with higher pitched voices. “If our ancestors went through a similar process”, says Feinberg, “this could be one reason why men’s and women’s voices sound different.”

So, hey...uh...I guess that means you haven’t proven shit about shit, huh, Feinberg? Of course, it’s probably not his fault.  I should relax.  After all, he’s out there in the trenches collecting the hard data for weirdos like me to merely speculate with.  I’m just a little bitter that I spent a few hours walking around town and talking to every woman between 20 and 50 I saw today, simply because I failed to read the fine print.  I didn’t realize the hidden assumption was that some Tanzanian hunter-gatherer tribe somehow accurately reflects all six billion humans living all around the Earth.

That Was Not the End

I often play self-depreciation for a laugh, to create rapport with the reader.  This time, though, I want to end on a more honest note.  I play around with the facts all the time because I view it as a Cosmic Task, but I was straight-faced serious about the title of this article.  It was “The Scientific Reason Why Many Beautiful Women Should Have My Babies,” and in fact I have five of them.  Here they are:

Number 1. Robust and Diverse Genome. Come on, Irish, French, Abenaki, Russian?  More than 50% of my genome (Irish/Abenaki) has survived concentrated genocide attempts and emerged stronger. 

Number 2. Active Genetic Mutation in Progress. I have spent well over a decade consuming serious drugs and remixing my genome considerably through yoga and ritual magick.  In addition, I’ve loaded up my muscular and synaptic DNA memory with extremely dense protien instructions that provide rapid, adaptable living design.  Every day I beat on myself even harder and yet still cannot be killed—and thus my sperm get even stronger.

Number 3. Total Lack of Pre-Existing Dogmas. You will be completely free to raise the child according to your own preferred default belief system.  I. Do. Not. Give. A. Shit.  I would only ask that you never hit them or resort to “grounding,” but hey, kids are tough. I do not seek to guide nor control these hundreds of children, merely to turn them loose upon the world so I can have something to chuckle about on my deathbed.

Number 4. Abundant Supply of Raw Material. I’m not saying I know how, I’m just saying. It happens.  If I’m not tapping the tank on a regular basis, I can build up an alarming amount of manjuice.  If nescessary, I can provide signed statements from eyewitnesses.

Number 5. Clean Bill of Genetic Health. No hereditary cancer, psychosis, depression, or other fearsome diseases.  I am also (motherfucking miraculously) free of any sexually transmitted diseases.

I feel compelled to add that there’s very little time commitment involved, aside from 18+ years of raising the actual child, of course.  Given sufficient preparation, I can deposit my half of the bargain in less than 30 seconds and we can get back to being total strangers again.

Filed in: Zeitgeist

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