Humpjones

The Joy of Freelance Writing

Posted Mar 14, 2011

Freelance Writing | Professional Copywriter

In the scramble to actually get paid for work I’ve already done, prior to #PaxBostonia going down, I had one of those lurching Moments of Clarity. I realized that I have, intentionally or not, chosen the single greatest profession available to an American boy. Being a freelance writer gets a bad rap for some reason. I don’t know how this perception got established, and shucks, maybe I should just hold my peace. Maybe I should be grateful that my potential competition doesn’t realize what a bountiful goldmine of E-Z money this is.

In the interest of providing a public service (which is what this site is all about) I’d like to share a couple of my favorite things about this non-industry.

1. You never get paid on time. Especially when there’s a clearly defined “pay day.” You could be forgiven for thinking that a set schedule would work to your advantage, but that’s just not the case. Getting payment will generally involve three to five additional emails to your client and a delay of at least one week after the precise point that you actually, desperately need the money. This is great because it makes you appreciate the value of money so much more than the cheap, instant gratification of normal professional employment.

Freelance Writers | Professional Copywriting

2. Social media and function creep. Take it from Uncle Humpasaur: never agree to do social media updates. This is not a “slippery slope” situation, this is the first and last step off a steep cliff. Every single one of your employers would, ideally, like to see you transition from a freelance copywriter working a single discreet project...into an unpaid intern, doing never-ending social media shitwork. Wanting to impress a client by going the extra mile is a classic rookie mistake.

3. Competing with Kerala. I gave up on eLance years ago—there’s no way to compete with people who think $4 an hour is good money. So I quickly evolved into a more upscale, boutique operation: Real Estate, Currency Trading, Credit Repair, and worst of all, US Politics. What’s funny is that most of my gigs are more “clean up” than creation. Inevitably, my clients tried to save money first by settling for that Kerala-grade quality. The result, of course, is barely coherent alphabet soup, a mash-up remix of hyperformal Victorian English and the dead language of a vintage VCR manual. I get called in to convert it to actual English and do all the necessary research to make it factually true. (Pro Tip: editing these turds is a waste of time. It is actually faster to simply delete everything and start over.)

careers in writing

4. Get comfortable with being uncomfortable. Working for the devil is not a situational ethics question for me, it’s a daily reality. I’ve done landing pages for the Tea Party, autoresponder scripts for the Christian Coalition, and worst of all, I’ve written bios (and fake testimonials) for NLP Trainers. I realize you’re probably deleting all my music off your hard drive instead of continuing to read this, but I do have good news: I won’t even bother defending that work. I will quote my own lyrics, though:

...besides, dude, what do YOU do exactly? How do you extract meat from the human trash heap? Your contribution may be small...but every slice of the pie, there’s a blade involved.

5. You never get paid on time. Did I already mention that? Whatever. I’ve gotta go leave another round of voice mail messages anyway…

Copywriting for a Living