Humpjones

Supersperm: The Power of Manjuice

Posted Apr 04, 2007 10 comments

Next to the neuron, probably the single most valuable resource that humans waste is jizz.  Not everyone agrees with me on that one. Paracelsus went on record back in 1527 saying that human shit was the Philosopher’s Stone itself, the “greatest secret of all medicine.” Of course, here in 2007 we know that he was wrong—after all, we’ve cured everything from cancer to the common cold with the power of synthetic pharmaceuticals.  Yet somehow, these primitive superstitions persist, even in the face of our modern utopian Age of Enlightenment.  I know...I can’t explain it, either.

Elmers Glue of the Gods

So why is semen so special?  What makes sperm so important?  Let’s start with some biology.  Every money shot a man manages to manufacture is actually a fairly complex cocktail, including citric acid, zinc, potassium, various enzymes and amino acids, and even—seriously—fructose.  But the main magick component is definitely the spermatozoa.

Now that pornography has gone irreversibly mainstream, it’s easy to assume that sex has been de-mystified, but that’s because porn focuses on the naked, sweating bodies aspect.  Consider for a moment, that all human males have a fleshy bag that hangs down between their legs, and inside that bag, they grow millions and millions of tiny little animals composed of microscopic heads and a tail for propulsion.  If just one of these critters can make it far enough inside of a woman, they can catalyze a process that ends in a whole new human being getting squeezed out of the that same woman less than a year later.  Seriously...is there anything normal about that?

It’s a curious intersection when science and porn cross paths—even wikipedia has photos and video footage of an erect cock blowing a load.  (I mean, an ”Educational Demonstration of Ejaculation”...yeah...my bad.)

Great Beast or Mere Pervert?

There are those who believe that Aleister Crowley discovered the Key to Power.  I would tend to agree with this: I suspect Crowley realized the Key to Power is simply telling people you have the Key to Power and never once cracking a smile.  He proceeded to spend the rest of his life pulling hilariously abusive pranks on his loyal followers, and few of his pranks could top the Elixir of Life:

Crowley referred to semen as “red tincture,” vaginal secretions as “white tincture,” and the mix of the two, the Elixir of Life. He also called it the “Magnum Opus” or “Philosopher’s Stone,” in reference to the universal solvent long sought by alchemists.

Of course, there are those who take Crowley at his word—and there are those who take him much further, insisting that Crowley did, in fact, achieve immortality, and he’s currently parading around in drag, known to the mundane world as Barbara Bush.  Although I have some slight skepticism about this theory, I will admit the resemblance is excessively disturbing...I mean, that Bush whore really does look like Aleister with a wig on.

The roots of Sex Magick are deeper than most human traditions, though, and it’s a topic we’ll be discussing later on—especially Simon Magus and the Gnostics.  In the meantime, let’s move on to some even more deranged perverts…

What the Bible Says About Swallowing

I’ve already mentioned the outstanding resource Sex in Christ once before, and they’re worth referring to again today.  The crux of the SIC website is that most of the anti-sex propaganda associated with Christianity has no basis in scripture, and they aim to expand the discussion of what married Christians can (and should) be doing in their bedrooms.  (Did you know that fisting gets a thumbs up in the Song of Solomon?  Cuz I sure didn’t.)

The endlessly entertaining and blatantly erotic Song of Solomon is again the focus for scriptural fellatio:

Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest, so is my beloved among the young men. In his shade I took great delight and sat down, and his fruit was sweet to my taste. Song of Solomon 2:3

Not too many other interpretations come to mind, huh?  Sex in Christ goes on to make an excellent case in favor of swallowing the sacrament, too, but I’ll just refer you to their article instead of stealing their Holy Thunder.

Normal is Relative, Dude

Millions of perfectly normal, proud Americans purchased the Metallica album Load, but it’s unclear how many of them are aware that the cover is cow blood and semen between two plates of plexiglass. Great art is like that.

There are cultures where young boys give older men blowjobs constantly because they believe that’s how children achieve manhood.  The most famous example would be the Sambia tribe of Papua New Guinea, and if you’re curious or skeptical, you can learn more here.  Even here in the “civilized” world, psychology has had to codify the symptoms of semen addiction.  It’s article that provides dozens of truly priceless quotes:

Unfortunately, many semen addicts are unaware of the risks involved in consuming semen. With very few calories and a great deal of nutrients, uncontaminated semen is quite healthy. However, many semen addicts seem to forget that the risk of sexual transmitted diseases in intercourse comes primarily not from the penis, but from the semen.

And this immortal poetry:

As anyone with an inseparable bond between their mouth or body and semen knows, it is unreasonable to suggest that a semen lover avoid semen.

Now Let’s Distort Asian Culture

Of course, no discussion of ejaculation mysticism would be complete without an utterly wrong summary of various Eastern Traditions.  Did some Taoist sage really say ”a drop of semen is equal to ten drops of blood”?  Does it matter at this point?  Odds are pretty much everything that exists in English about “Taoist Sex Secrets” it unadulterated bullshit, but it’s still supremely entertaining:

In Taoist sex traditions, the man has his orgasm without ejaculating. He injaculates, instead. By pressing an acupuncture point located halfway between the anus and scrotum, the ejaculation can be reversed into an improved orgasm and the semen is recycled from the full prostate and reabsorbed into the blood.

Don’t get it twisted, though, this is all perfectly scientific.  Dig:

After having pressed the point and prevented ejaculation, you could conduct a test to determine whether the semen was absorbed into the blood stream or passed into the bladder. To conduct the test, simply urinate into a glass.Cloudy urine indicates that the semen has passed into the bladder. If you set glass aside for an hour or two, the semen will settle to the bottom, leaving clear urine at the top.

For an even more complete—and mistranslate hilarious making—overview of Taoist sex science, I HIGHLY recommend the website of Dr. Newman K. Lin.  Now if you will excuse me, I’m gonna go whack off.

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