Sex Science 3030: Your Perfect World
Posted Oct 06, 2007 26 comments
Here’s why you’re different: for as long as you’ve been conscious, you’ve known you were created for something greater than what your culture has to offer. As you grew up, you found clues in books, movies and music—quotes you wrote down and ideas that stuck with you for years. You lose track of the magic all the time—we all do, after all—but when you get tuned in, there it is again. The random blessings. The constant synchronicity.
I have important news: you were 100% right. You’re not normal and you’re way more dangerous than you think. (Yes, even when you’re really drunk.) I also want to make a confession to you: although this short message will still make sense to you, it’s actually a coded message to a dear friend of mine who’s having a rough fucking Life Event at the moment. I myself was right there—to an extent I did not think was possible—less than two weeks ago, so the flesh is still sizzling and the muscle memory is fresh.
Purging the Poison
I have no idea how to balance catharsis. As a debaucherous and intellectually dishonest sex expert, I probably should, but I really don’t. Every once in awhile, we all need to go buck fucking wild and commit acts of excessive self-destruction. I do think it’s important to do that in a ritualized group setting—from pagan fertility rituals to keg parties at hunting camps. I also find it helps to synchronize your insanity with the rest of the wild kingdom—get in tune with the moon. As a general rule, if you’re not doing something artistically stupid on a full moon, you’re fucking yourself over for the next 30 days. I don’t know how it works, I just know it does. I’ve said that about everything from sigils to condoms, and it’s always true.
This whole culture is poison, and we puke it out one Bad Night at a time. It’s all slavery and lies and hatred and murder and excuses and looking the other way, for centuries and centuries. It all adds up and gets increasingly violent and absurd. We get to watch it collapse on itself, and we all hope we’re smart enough and lean enough to move out of the way, really fast, when things get ugly. They will—but then as now, there will still be music, food and sex. The addition of weapons will only make things more intreresting.
She’s Very Picky
Here’s a free tip: the Universe does not spread her legs for grumpy primates. Are you a grumpy primate? I was. I took things very seriously, and I spent a lot of time doing research, trying to understand the world’s problems. To my increasing concern, the more I researched, the more serious the world’s problems became. They were utterly insurmountable, flawlessly documented, and I was a grumpy primate. I was logical and rational and completely out of my fucking mind. We are drowning in data, and very little of it means anything.
Think about it this way, because it helps: if you woke up this morning, you have the power to make serious changes on this planet. Anyone can think up reasons why something won’t work. That’s actually not what you have a brain for. Humans have brains so that we can figure out solutions, not to obsess over problems. We live in a culture that trains us to pick things apart and analyze and “critique”—that’s a total waste of effort. I can make low-grade AI programs that can do that better than anyone who writes for Pitchfork. Don’t waste your neurons shitting on someone else—make something new.
Worse yet, don’t waste your neurons shitting on yourself. I did that for years. I had no shortage of reasons and explanations, but basically life is one big long open question and every day, you’re either answering FUCK YES or submitting like a damn farm animal.
Would you keep fighting back in solitary confinement? Are you willing to smash your way into outer space with your own forehead? Then you’re gonna be running this entire planet in 30 years. Wait and see, and when your perfect world comes to pass, remember on that fine sunny morning that Uncle Hump called it, way back when.
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Comments
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1. XPreNN on Oct 06, 2007 at 8:09 AM permalink
Thanks for this random blessing, there it is again, with perfect timing.
HIGH FIVE!
2. 0ddity on Oct 06, 2007 at 8:40 AM permalink
Brilliant.
-
Love is the Law.
3. D on Oct 07, 2007 at 5:57 AM permalink
Thank you.
4. bibble on Oct 07, 2007 at 4:23 PM permalink
thank you
5. Squeegee on Oct 07, 2007 at 6:30 PM permalink
Hey Hump - digging you from old Albion
Squeegee the third eye and keep smiling… sounds good to me.
6. smudge on Oct 09, 2007 at 7:13 PM permalink
You could start by losing the “barely legal” porn links.
Women who get involved in pornography, especially those still in their teens, are usually survivors of incest or physical/sexual abuse from an authority figure.
7. Humpasaur on Oct 09, 2007 at 9:43 PM permalink
^^So you’re saying because they’re victims, I shouldn’t support them? I’m confused. When should I start supporting them? When they’ve recovered to your satisfaction? Are you a psychologist, and would I really give a shit if you were? That sort of thing.
Porn is like oxygen, homey, but your Don Quixote act is cute. Might even get you laid.
8. Bling Finger on Oct 09, 2007 at 10:08 PM permalink
Hump, I think what smudge is really trying to say is you need some “ancient grandma” porn links on our page instead. But come to think of it, I don’t see any “barely legal links anyway, but that would definitely be sick if there were.
9. Humpasaur on Oct 09, 2007 at 10:11 PM permalink
^^You bring up an excellent point, actually. The google ads that smudge was seeing are CUSTOM TAILORED based on HIS SEARCH HABITS. I hadn’t even realized this until just now. Most of my ads are for get-rich-quick schemes and scientific journals—yet our friend smudge, who SWEARS that’s he’s disgusted by “barely legal porn”, is MYSTERIOUSLY being served Google ads for “barely legal porn.”
Ouch. Might wanna think before you take the moral high ground next time, homey. This is not the place for you.
10. Humpasaur on Oct 09, 2007 at 10:13 PM permalink
Then again, maybe smudge is a woman...using her husband’s computer. Double ouch.
11. Soltron on Oct 09, 2007 at 11:45 PM permalink
You’re a gift
12. historian on Oct 10, 2007 at 4:50 PM permalink
I beg to differ with your thesis that the universe (which more than likely isn’t a gender) doesn’t “spread her legs” for “grumpy primates.” Genghis Khan got laid more than anyone in his day, as DNA anaylsis shows, and he was a very grumpy mofo! I can think of a lot of grumpy jock primates in high school who were grumpy but good-looking, who got laid a LOT. It was a nice theory though…
13. smudge on Oct 10, 2007 at 5:27 PM permalink
I guess “Ad Hominem Jones” was already taken.
Wasn’t talking about the ads there, chief. ‘Twas yer “FRIENDS” section. But good effort.
They still use “homey” on the mean streets of Burlington?
White people steal everything, lol.
14. Humpasaur on Oct 10, 2007 at 5:37 PM permalink
How do you know anything about Genghis Khan? If even 10% of the legends are true, that’s clearly a man who loved his job.
15. Cindy on Oct 12, 2007 at 1:42 PM permalink
Smudge is right. 40yr old man w/ teen porn links, talking to teens about sex.
Major eeewwwww factor.
Gonna go vomit now.
16. Bling Finger on Oct 12, 2007 at 3:55 PM permalink
First there are no “Teen Porn” Links on this site.
Second the only difference between “Barely legal porn” and “porn” is the classification some marketer chose to promote it with. The whole age factor is just a marketing scheme that some people choose to buy into. Research your porn (just don’t forget your lube) and I bet you’ll see the same pornstars doing “barely legal” porn in one video and then “milf” porn in the next.
Third if you take a look at our friends section, none of the sites claim to be “barely legal.” And half of them I wouldn’t even consider porn unless of course you’re one repressed monkey. Or in Cindy’s case a repressed sheep that blindly follows what others say in the comment section of a website.
I’ve also never seen Humpasaur claim that he writes for teens or any other specific demographic either.
17. historian on Oct 12, 2007 at 9:24 PM permalink
Genghis Khan a prolific lover, according to DNA anaylsis:
http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2003/02/0214_030214_genghis.html
He may have loved his job, but he killed and enslaved a hell of a lot of innocent people.
He may not have been a “grumpy primate” according to your terms, but he was not a nice guy. He was a dictator and a military genius.
How do YOU know the universe is a gender? LOL.
You never answered my point about a mean jocks getting laid...a LOT. That refutes your happy theory about “grumpy primates” not getting any.
18. Humpasaur on Oct 13, 2007 at 6:39 PM permalink
This collapsed beautifully.
Thanks to everyone who made this possible.
19. smudge on Oct 13, 2007 at 8:05 PM permalink
Sorry to interrupt the circle jerk.
By all means, go back to peeping @ girls half your age, Kermit’s Finger. If you want to support human trafficking and the exploitation of sex-abuse survivors, go crazy. Bust a nut.
20. Bling Finger on Oct 13, 2007 at 9:51 PM permalink
Shut your computers off and stop watching your DVDs your technology habits support pornography, human trafficking and the exploitation of sex-abuse survivors.
STFU Smudge.
and girls half my age would be 13 and you’re right that’s just fucking creepy.
21. Humpasaur on Oct 13, 2007 at 10:00 PM permalink
Smudge, what are you really talking about? Why are you offended enough to keep coming back?
Because of “barely legal porn”? There is none here. There wasn’t when you wrote that, there still isn’t now. You’re making that up.
Are you offended because of how old we are? You were wrong about that, and you never knew how old I am. You made that up.
Is there anything you’re upset about that you didn’t make up?
22. S to the Mudge on Oct 14, 2007 at 4:38 PM permalink
I take it all back. Stick w/ the porn.
Just checked out your “hip hop”, Wombaticus.
“Mood Wookies”?
I heard yer mom’s basement was hard, but damn. Who knew?
I stand corrected. The world needs a photo negative of Will Smith.
Just keep stealing shit that’s stale, ah-ight?
Why did I keep coming back?
You are easy to rattle.
Peace, Lame-sturbator.
23. MantricSpork on Oct 14, 2007 at 6:20 PM permalink
Maybe I’m the one who misunderstood, but I didn’t really read “The universe doesn’t open her legs for grumpy primates” as being strictly about sex. Lots of earth women DO open their legs for grumpy primates, but the universe is a different matter. Also, the universe isn’t a female, because the universe ISN’T anything, have you heard of a lovely little invention called metaphor? It’s how we humans typically perceive the world. And if you read much 37 you would know he would never mean an “IS” statement literally.
24. MantricSpork on Oct 14, 2007 at 8:32 PM permalink
Isn’t it supposed to be a sign of success when you start getting trolls?
25. Humpasaur on Oct 15, 2007 at 12:36 AM permalink
Smudge, I do treasure you. If I send you a free copy of my debut album, would you review it? No matter what you write in the review, I will publish on this site. Send your mailing address to if you’re interested.
26. david on Oct 15, 2007 at 11:44 PM permalink
i hear MOON wookies.
Beside the misunderstandings, this article is a fucking killer. Very useful and uplifting and THAT is what Hump Jones is about, at this point of my knowing.
The truth is what works. The universe is not attracted to angry people, Genghis Khan did horrible things, but only within a certain cosmology. Within his view of the world he was king and having a blast. The truth is what works.