Sex Science 3030: Intelligent Design for Stupid Monkeys
Posted Nov 07, 2007
Hump Jones is Down With Intelligent Design
Seriously, I am. I happen to think that Intelligent Design and Evolution are both true, and the real argument is about the Bible, and all y’all should shut the fuck up and focus on science. But shucks, you know, that’s just me. I disagree with Stephen Jay Gould about evolution having no inherent direction, and I think he was a constipated dude. Some of the most brilliant men in science are, not coincidentally, some of the dumbest humans alive. Common sense is something you get one bruise at a time, and this is why Feynman ran circles around his contemporaries: he lived an actual life.
An actual life sculpts your body. Although I pose as a Dionysian sex god, I’m actually a recovering nerd and I still have a few pale patches of entropy on this body of mine. A life spent on learning is just stasis and slow motion death. To really thrive, you need to bounce off obstacles at high speeds. I know a lot of people react with perfectly reasonable arguments in favor of safety and sanity, but that’s just coward programming. Well, maybe I shouldn’t say that. I can’t prove it with existing data and, like pretty much anything else I say, I don’t care about my guesswork enough to argue with you. Especially since you’re wrong, you know?
So let’s be clear: Intelligent Design and Evolution are both wrong. Neither one of those theories will exist in their present form a century from now, and in 500 years you will all be regarded as superstitious dupes of primate cognitive bias. Well, maybe I shouldn’t say that. I’m never serious when I make predictions about the future, because a big part of this act is telling happy stories when the reality is that we’re all going to watch the world end together. And most of you are still bickering over horseshit.
Everything Happens for a Reasno
Yeah, even typos. I’ve recently noticed a mathematical connection I’d like to share with you. I offer it seriously, because as we all know, math is the language of nature. Numbers are much more important and powerful than words. Words give me art and audience, but it’s the numbers that give me power. It would be irresponsible of me to explain further than that, so here’s my main point: there’s a direct relationship between my levels of depression and my belief in mere coincidence.
When things happen to me randomly, life really fucking sucks because it makes no sense. Horrible things happen for no reasno. However, when I assume things happen for a reason, even the shittiest situations can be improved, escaped, and changed.
Have you ever seen photographs of humans with tails? I often ask random questions to shake up particular patterns, and the key to that is rhythm. Here’s a valuable secret I was told not to pass on: “rhythm” is the shortest way to say “math is the language of nature.” Because everything happens in time, and everything in time has a rhythm, but I’m probably just insulting you by even explaining that. Sometimes I forget that I’m writing for smart kids and free monkeys.
My Solution
Let me repeat something I wrote in a much older article:
You’re also the most powerful generation in human history. That’s basically because you’re young. The human race is more powerful now than it’s ever been, right? And nearly everyone else in the human race is older than you are, right? Including all the people who control you right now? So they’re all going to die before you do, right?
Statistically, most of you don’t want to be in school. Statistically, you’re all using the internet. Statistically, you all have email and most of you are on MySpace or Facebook. So why are you still in school? Why aren’t you getting organized and doing nationwide boycotts? Why are you complaining like you’re helpless?
Right now, serious, college-educated and allegedly intelligent adults all over this planet are have a straight-faced argument about Intelligent Design and Evolution. This should stand as an obvious proof that only are they mentally defective control freaks, but they’re also incredibly wrong about everything they claim to teach you. Is there any excusable and honest reason to tolerate that kind of horseshit? Get organized. Ignore the lessons of the 60s, none of those kids had cell phones, none of them had the magic bullet known as Social Networking, or the nuclear warhead of Text Messaging.
I mean, seriously, who the fuck convinced you kids you were powerless? From where I’m sitting, you are the single most powerful force that the human species possesses today.Those old fuckers know that, too, they know that all too well. That’s why you’re kept locked up from age 5 to age 18, and then they work you as hard as they possibly can and sell you recreational poisons. Of course, 99.9% of all adults you will ever interact with will never be aware of this. They never consciously want to hurt you, it’s just an unspoken understanding that the power of human beings in their sexual and mental prime is so great that it would burn up the safety of their culture.
Think about it: you’re the source of all the actual work in the society you live in, and yet you have people who cannot match your levels of energy and intelligence who are “supervising” and “managing” you. You are the engine of the human race, and the best use that grownups can think of is having you sell microwaved food out a little bulletproof window at Taco Bell, somewhere, anywhere, all around the world.
Maybe it’s a destructive or mean-spirited thing to say, but fuck them. Take that apart and refuse to put up with “good enough” until all the other monkeys are free. Dream big and push back hard. I’m going to keep re-writing this article until I start seeing results, so get used to it. No more complaining to Uncle Humpasaur.
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