Humpjones

Sex Science 2007: Part Two

Posted May 21, 2008 11 comments

Men would like to believe that we exist because we held the Universe down and punched it in the face until it submitted, then gave us a whole planet to be Badass upon.  Sadly, this is not that case.  We exist because women are somewhere between sentimental and stupid.  They could have killed us off decades ago, and they still might.  (At the risk of being called a cock traitor, I’d go so far as to say they definitely should.)

Artificial Insemination was the first blow to the Purple-Headed Empire—but that was a mere warning shot, my friends.  Back in 1992, very quietly, a group of scientists announced a phenomenon that few humans are aware of to this day: the hands-free, imagery-induced orgasm. That’s right, there are women out there—thousands, if not millions, of women—who can actually think their way to an orgasm.  Dig:

Subjects were women who claimed that they could experience orgasm from imagery alone. Orgasm from self-induced imagery or genital self-stimulation generated significant increases in systolic blood pressure, heart rate, pupil diameter, pain detection threshold, and pain tolerance threshold over resting control conditions. These findings provide evidence that orgasm from self-induced imagery and genital self-stimulation can each produce significant and substantial net sympathetic activation and concomitant significant increases in pain thresholds.

And the conclusion is a truly classic nugget of scientific understatement:

On this basis we state that physical genital stimulation is evidently not necessary to produce a state that is reported to be an orgasm and that a reassessment of the nature of orgasm is warranted.

Oh no shit?  Really?  Huh.  How about a re-assessment of the penis?

Okay: A Re-Assessment of the Penis

As long as we’re talking about “thinking outside the box” as far as dicks are concerned, it’s hard not to mention the independent researcher Dr. Lorena Bobbitt, who reached some fairly radical conclusions about the role of the wang in modern society.  Her thesis—get this, it’s a doozy—was that the trouser snake was actually an autonomous creature who needed to be liberated from the context of the male body, and released into the wild...apparently via being thrown out of a car window while the vehicle was moving.

Her husband and/or research subject, John Bobbitt, managed to get his severed member re-attached, and famously did a couple pornos with some chicks who really hated their jobs that day.  Over in China recently, things did not go so well:

Surgeons at Guangzhou General Hospital said it took 15 hours of microsurgery on the unidentified 44-year-old man to attach the 4-inch organ donated by the family of a younger brain-dead patient.

In their report due to appear in next month’s journal European Urology, the doctors said after 10 days, the man, who had been injured in an accident, was able to urinate normally, but he was unhappy with the operation.

“Because of a severe psychological problem of the recipient and his wife, the transplanted penis regretfully had to be cut off,” said Dr. Weilie Hu.

Sounds like a horror movie, I know.  This severed penis talk, it must be making all two of our male readers uncomfortable, so let’s crank it up notch with something even worse.

THE ONLY THING WORSE THAN LOSING YOUR DICK

Yep, let’s take a look at pregnancy.  First of all, I would like to hand the fellahs out there the single greatest pickup line of all time, the most diabolical and manipulative possible reason to get a woman from the bar into your bed.  Ahem. Recent studies—several of them, actually—have concluded that promiscuous women are statistically much more likely to give birth to healthy babies.

�Scientists have developed many theories to explain why some female animals have multiple sex partners: whether it�s trading sex for food and protection, dealing with infertile males, or avoiding the negative effects of inbreeding in species that can�t recognise their relatives,� team leader Dr Diana Fisher said.

�Another theory is that mating with multiple males would result in sperm competition. This means that males with the strongest sperm are more likely to become sires and father better quality offspring. Until now, this theory hasn�t been demonstrated convincingly.�

Of course I’m distorting the hell out of this research, but I’m also fully qualified to do that.  Pregnancy data is full of fascinating statistics, and all of them can be used out of context to great effect at a bar near you.  Here’s some ammunition to start with:

The most popular day for babies to make their entrances? It�s still Tuesday, which boasted more than 13,000 births on average in 2003. That�s about 16 percent more babies than on any other day of the week. Saturday is the slowest day, with an average of about 7,500 births (in part because doctors don�t schedule c-sections and inductions on weekends).

36 percent of American babies are born to unmarried mothers, which is why God knocked down the twin towers in New York City (like you didn’t already know that).  Boys still outnumber girls—by 1049 male babies for every 1000 chicks—so the bar scene will not be improving anytime in the forseeable future, especially since that ratio has apparently stayed the same for as long as humans have been compiling statistics.  The US has been seeing a steady increase of twins, premature births, and cesarean sections, though.

By the way, if any of these useless factoids actually get you laid, send me an email, I’d love to hear about it.

Further Reading for Curious Primates

Check out the archives over at “Reuniting”, full of sex science source material.

Also, enjoy the supremely weird and info-packed website of Dr. Newman K. Lin, Taoist Sex Science Master. (All the good info is on the left menu.)

Filed in: Sex Science

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