Humpjones

Say Hello to Your Future!

Posted Jul 09, 2007 22 comments

This is a Hump Jones article for kids.  Most of you reading this are starting to suspect that adults are lying to you.  I am sorry to tell you this, but you are right.  Adults are lying to you.  I am also going to tell you something you don’t suspect: it’s not your parents fault.  Your parents are lying to themselves and they honestly do most of what they do because they love you. 

The problem is, their parents lied to them, too, and now...they’ve changed.  This might not make sense, but your parents don’t actually think about most of the lies they believe in.  It’s a lot easier not to—nobody talks about certain things, like how our leaders tell us what to do and we don’t get to decide wether or not to do it.  Or how so many people think it’s okay to lie and kill.  I lie all the time, but I haven’t killed anyone and I probably won’t. 

Another problem is, your parents are pretty stupid, statistically speaking.  That means that most people who read this will agree that you are much, much smarter than your parents.  Your parents scoff when you tell them that, because they’ve been beaten down and justifying their own failures and surrenders for more than 10 years now, and you’re still refusing to do that. 

Fact is, anyone reading this under 18 is probably much, much smarter than their parents: you pay more attention to reality, you’re more willing to explore and take risks, you have more energy, and you’re also being driven to the edge of mental insanity by the hormones in your bloodstream, which boosts your creativity.

So this is for you, kids.  I know you probably hate being called “kids,” and considering most of you will get someone pregnant before you’re old enough to legally drink beer, maybe I should call you something else: how about Humanity’s Last Fucking Hope? I like that more, but feel free to make up your own official name.  This is what the future is going to hold for you in three simple steps. 

Or maybe I’m lying to you, too. 

Step One: New World Orgy

In the future, middle class white people will be turned into the worst possible kind of hippies.  Namely, priveleged overgrown children with no morals, minimal intelligence, and voracious appetites for sensory stimulation.  I use large words because I want to be specific and clear.  I’m sorry if I sound like I’m showing off.  If any sentences don’t make sense to you now, I want to make you a promise.

I promise that once your vocabulary is large enough to compute those sentences, you will be doing drugs just to keep from killing yourself or other people. 

Most of those drugs will be fed to you by the government.  Most of you are on Ritalin and those mandatory prescriptions will follow you for the rest of your lives.  If you’ve tried to stop taking Ritalin, you’ve probably noticed that it’s really hard.  That’s not an accident—the people who make you take Ritalin want you to continue taking ritalin until you are dead.  Your teachers, your doctors and the police all pretend they’re living in different worlds, but they all work for the same people.

We all work for the same people.

Here’s a recent story from the news.  It’s about this new drug, currently called PT-141.  By the time you’re taking it, they will call it something else.  PT-141 is a drug that makes people extremely aroused, which means they want to have sex desperately.  You might be familiar with the feeling. 

The full range of possible risks and side effects has yet to be determined, but already this much is known: Putting that inhaler up your nose and popping off a dose of PT-141 results, in most cases, in a stirring in the loins in as few as fifteen minutes. Women, according to one set of results, feel “genital warmth, tingling and throbbing,” not to mention “a strong desire to have sex.”

Step Two: This is Your Brain on Us

Your parents use drugs, too.  Most of you probably have a Dad or Mom who drinks too much, smokes too much, eats too much or takes too many pills.  Maybe you’re already doing all of the above?  I was when I was your age.  I won’t tell you that I’ve seen the light since then, and I won’t tell you that drugs ruined my life.  Drugs have actually treated me really well, overall.  My experience with drugs includes a PCP overdose that lasted for over 24 hours—probably the scariest thing I’ve ever been through in my life.

Even though that happened, I’ve had so many other positive and life-changing experiences thanks to drugs, that I still say I’ve benefited from doing drugs.  Illegal drugs, drugs like marijuana, mushrooms and LSD.  Semi-legal drugs, like the kind my friend Chris Dizzy will teach you about over at Liquid Wet Dot Net.  And legal drugs, like alcohol, beer and alcohol.

I do a lot less drugs now that I’m 50 years old.  But looking back, I see that the one drug that didn’t help me at all, and in fact really messed up my life for years, was alcohol.  (And also, beer.) I hope that some of you reading this will learn from my mistake.  Does that sound like a stupid sentence?  It should, because it is one: my mistakes are only my mistakes.  All of you will make different mistakes, and you’re all much too arrogant to listen to anything I say that you don’t already agree with.

I’m the same way, so I’m not blaming you for anything—just saying.

Here’s a story from the news about another drug, called propranolol.  It’s used to make people forget things, which used to be science fiction.  (If you like science fiction, you should check out a guy named Philip K. Dick, because he wrote really good stuff—and it’s also a good guide to the actual world we live in today.)

Researchers have found they can use drugs to wipe away single, specific memories while leaving other memories intact. By injecting an amnesia drug at the right time, when a subject was recalling a particular thought, neuro-scientists discovered they could disrupt the way the memory is stored and even make it disappear.

Step Three: Humans are Monsters

The country you live in is full of dangerous people who are mentally insane.  You have already met a lot of them, and many of you are children of someone who is dangerously crazy.  When people want you to agree with them, they will use statistics a lot.  This is a trick to make you think that what they’re saying is real—never fall for it.  In reality, nobody knows shit about shit, but we all want to think we do.  So we make it very easy for one another to think that.

Now here’s a statistic: the United States of America has the highest rates of venereal disease in children under 12 years old.  If you think about that for a second, it will probably make you sick to your stomach.  But it’s important to know—many of you have already found this out for yourselves. 

There are a lot of humans who have no problem with killing other humans—or doing lots of other cruel and violent stuff to other humans.  What makes those humans even more dangerous is when they get lots of power, and control over other humans.  When groups of them work together, this makes things even worse. 

And that’s basically the story of every nation in the world: we’re all being run by the most violent, ruthless and powerful people in our respective countries.  That’s all borders are: ask your history teacher. 

But it’s not just our leaders, most adults are very mean and cowardly people.  Sad but true.  When people want you to believe something, they will often bring up a recent example, as if a single incident proves anything other than “a single incident happened”.  Here’s a story from the news about some very mean and cowardly people in Kansas, where everyone believes God created the whole Universe and Jesus was our Lord and Savior:

SHOPPERS in a US convenience store stepped over a woman dying from stab wounds with one stopping only to take a picture on a mobile phone. The incident captured on surveillance video in a Kansas convenience store on June 23 of this year shows 27-year-old LaShanda Calloway lying bleeding after being stabbed in a robbery that she was innocently caught up in, AP reports. It took about two minutes for someone to call police to report the crime while five shoppers stepped over the prone woman, police said.

Good Luck, Though.

You’re also the most powerful generation in human history.  That’s basically because you’re young.  The human race is more powerful now than it’s ever been, right?  And nearly everyone else in the human race is older than you are, right?  Including all the people who control you right now?  So they’re all going to die before you do, right?

Statistically, most of you don’t want to be in school.  Statistically, you’re all using the internet.  Statistically, you all have email and most of you are on MySpace or Facebook.  So why are you still in school?  Why aren’t you getting organized and doing nationwide boycotts?  Why are you complaining like you’re helpless? 

Think about this: even if you feel totally alone, isolated and powerless in your own school, there are over 28,000 other schools in this country.  All of them have one to five kids who think just like you do.  If it bothers you to think about that, grow up and dig it for what it is: it’s an advantage.  You can get in touch with them, and you can keep one another sane, and use the same source of power that your teachers, parents and parole officers use: synergy. 

That means that together, you’re stronger than you are individually.  So stop insisting you’re special or different and be thankful that there’s six billion flavors of human being.  I’d explain further, but Uncle Hump has to go smoke a joint now.  You kids run along.

Filed in: Zeitgeist

Next entry: How to Make Money off the War on Sex

Previous Entry: Facial Cream and the Foreskin Mafia