Prolactin: Proof That God Hates Us
Posted Mar 29, 2007 20 comments
In yesterday’s sloppy rush job about dopamine, we finished on an ominous note. The human body is a pretty flawless piece of work, which is why I can drink 10 beers on an empty stomach and not wake up dead. That’s even more impressive when you consider you’re mostly membranes of tissue and water. (And perhaps parasites, yes.) Dig this: after the chemical dump of dopamine that follows an orgasm, your body gets flooded with Prolactin. Despite the name, it is not a synthetic breast milk substitute.
Prolactin is a very curious substance. Although the Church of the SubGenius teaches us that “Too much is always better than not enough,” when it comes to sex hormones, more is definitely less. Having too much prolactin in your system has been implicated as a major cause of “erectile dysfunction,” or as it’s known scientifically, Flop-wang. Based upon studies involving cocaine addicts and chronic masturbators (more than once per day would qualify you) it takes around 2 weeks for your body to correct a prolactin imbalance....assuming you stop the behavior that’s causing it.
Perhaps the coolest feature of prolactin is the feedback loop the body uses to dish it out—although Santa does not exist, and God probably isn’t watching us, even from a distance, your brain knows when you’re touching yourself. Dig:
Using data from three studies of men and women engaging in masturbation or penile-vaginal intercourse to orgasm in the laboratory, we report that for both sexes (adjusted for prolactin changes in a non-sexual control condition), the magnitude of prolactin increase following intercourse is 400% greater than that following masturbation.
Where Does This Devil Juice COME FROM?
None other than the pineal gland, which is quite a unit. It also produces melatonin—which regulates the body’s circadian rhythms, and seratonin, which apparently governs everything from digestion to body temperature to agressive behavior. If you’re familiar with the Good Doctor Rick Strassman, then you’re aware that the pineal gland also appears to contain DMT, which is supremely badass. But I recognize that acid taste in the back of my mouth...I’m about to veer dangerously off topic.
It’s important to pause for just a second and catch a glimpse at part of the real structure behind the Humpasaur mythos. Being turned on—all pistons firing, thinking fast and clear, high-energy, loving life—is exactly like being turned on, aroused, horny. When you’ve got too much prolactin in the blood stream, you’re more lazy and negative, and less interested in sex. (This is one reason I’m looking forward to destroying all Earth religions while I’m here, because it’s impossible to be anti-sex without being anti-life.)
Prolactin is a hormone biologists have been aware of for a long time—but until recently (past decade) it was assumed that prolactin only regulated lactation. Now that it’s central role in human sexuality has come to light, research is continuing to uncover new, previously hidden roles.
Prolactin is also classified as a stress hormone. This means that the more of it you’ve got in the bloodstream, the more irritable and depressed you’re likely to be. Think about how horrible that is. The more time you spend in bed porking your beloved, the more you’ll turn into an emotionally unstable dickhead and/or bitch. See, unlike the last article, this one actually has a meaningful title. We are biologically designed to get sick of our mates.
Tantra for Health, Sanity and World Peace
So let’s recapitulate: upon orgasm, the pineal gland squirts an excessive dose of prolactin into your bloodstream, which shuts down the dopamine buzz. However, it doesn’t leave once the job is done—instead it stays in your blood stream for up to two weeks, making you grumpy, decreasing your attention span and, if you’re lucky enough to be male, sabotaging your pecker. How exactly is this a good thing?
For once—and it’s just this once, folks—I have a simple answer: IT AIN’T GOOD. However, it is a very good and clear-cut body of evidence in support of Tantric sexuality being an obviously superior form of fuckage. Remember, prolactin gets dumped into the blood in response to the surge of dopamine that’s triggered by orgasm...meaning that prior to your Peak Experience, there is no prolactin rush.
So if you take it slow and work slowly towards a slow, ejaculation-free orgasm, then you’re getting all the benefits and none of the side effects. I am now going run outside and do a naked victory dance in the backyard, becuase I have just scientifically proven the existence of the Free Lunch.
FREE BONUS ROUND
Two high quality, unrelated links for your edutainment. 10 Zen Monkeys has a highly entertaining roundup article on sex laws from around the world:
In Connorsville, Wisconsin, it’s illegal for a man to shoot off his gun when his female partner has an orgasm, and in Willowdale, Oregon, a man can’t curse during sex.
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
And the curiously named “Sex in Christ” website tackles the burning question of how Jehovah and Jesus feel about anal sex (in marriage, of course):
“I thought the Bible said anal sex was a sin.”
This is a common misconception. Anal sex is confusing to many Christians because of the attention paid to the Bible’s condemnation of homosexual acts. However, it’s important to realize that these often quoted scriptures refer only to sexual acts between two men. Nowhere does the Bible forbid anal sex between a male and female.
“Isn’t anal sex dirty?”
The Bible says, “To the pure, all things are pure.” (Titus 1:15) The Lord created your body, and no part of it is imperfect or unclean. God also created our bodies for pleasure, and anal sex is just one of the many ways, including standard sexual intercourse, that we can enjoy this pleasure and share it with a partner.
Spread the Research:
Filed in: Sex Science
Next entry: Robohookers and Android Sexual Rights
Previous Entry: Sex vs. Heroin
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Commenting is not available in this weblog entry.1. dirty on Mar 29, 2007 at 11:30 PM permalink
religion,bible,prolactin,anal sex,anal sex,anal sex...wow!
it all makes so much sense.
i am printing this right now and putting a copy in my wallet next to my “pickup line” just to show those people(women) who always ask whats wrong with me.
once again...thank you and thank Jehovah
2. Humpasaur Jones on Mar 29, 2007 at 11:47 PM permalink
Yeah, man, Titus 1:15 is a heavy duty absolver. I’m gonna be thinking about that one for at least the rest of the week. Reminds me of the “blameworthy” Sufis.
3. meliquoi on Mar 30, 2007 at 1:12 AM permalink
really, wheres my man @ right now, im drunk and hes got homework?
4. WU DI on Mar 30, 2007 at 2:47 AM permalink
burning the barn!
5. Tommy D on Mar 30, 2007 at 3:56 AM permalink
I’m not sure how much I agree with the anti-sex being anti-life. Now, firstly, I’m vigorously anti-religion myself, but also understand that when and where these different religions emerged, there were diseases. Many of them of the sexually-trasmitted variety. It was pretty much the religion’s creators way of at least cutting down on the fuck-related diseases. I’m pretty sure Hindu folk don’t have as much bad shit happen to them when they fuck everyone, simply because they didn’t have all the diseases when the religion emerged.
So, yeah, it’s anti-life, but I don’t think that’s the primary intention.
And on another note, I jerked off 5 times in a day earlier this week (gimme a break, I called out of work and I got bored). So now I gotta stop jerking off so much.
What I am curious about is, where is the proof that an ejaculate-free orgasm does not produce prolactin?
6. Senator Knee Hi on Mar 30, 2007 at 8:22 AM permalink
I’m surprised, oh Humpdehump, that you missed the great funny of Sex in Christ.
“Are you saving yourself for your wedding night? The Devil wants you to fail, that’s why he puts stumbling blocks in your way. But God wants you to succeed, and that’s why he has given us an **alternative to intercourse before marriage:** anal sex. Through anal sex, you can satisfy your body’s needs, while you avoid the risk of unwanted pregnancy and still keep yourself pure for marriage. “
That’s right. Jeebus actually wants you to make santorum in the name of the lord. So you ought, literally, to take the word of God and *shove it up your ass.* And the sooner the better, lest the devil getcha.
7. Humpasaur Jones on Mar 30, 2007 at 8:51 AM permalink
There is no proof of anything, Tommy D.
I do, however, have evidence, such as this recent German study.
http://tinyurl.com/3xy3q3
“Recent studies from our laboratory have investigated the hormonal response to various forms of sexual stimulation, including film, masturbation, and coitus in both men and women. This series of studies clearly demonstrated that plasma prolactin (PRL) concentrations are substantially increased for over 1h following orgasm (masturbation and coitus conditions) in both men and women, but unchanged following sexual arousal without orgasm. Here we discuss evidence suggesting that the PRL response to orgasm may play an important role in the control of acute sexual arousal following orgasm.”
8. Natalie on Mar 30, 2007 at 9:15 AM permalink
This presents a good argument against monogomy as a ‘natural’ state for humans.
9. eddie lizzard on Mar 30, 2007 at 10:48 AM permalink
i like to masturbate, alot. and when i say alot thats an understatement. i mean i should be in the guiness book of records for the number of times i stroke a day. i dont know how this pertains to your article but i just thought id share that with you people
10. Danny Mapa on Mar 30, 2007 at 11:37 AM permalink
I was wondering...if your in some type of electro magnetic mind control or something more complex in nature from above can levels of prolactin be prolonged and can there be any affect to women as far as yeast infections and disturbances like candide are concerned.
11. janine de luna-Azul on Mar 30, 2007 at 12:44 PM permalink
Well this is all very interesting and all that , but it ain’t helping me!
All the guys I’d wanna do are afraid of me and all the dudes who wanna do me are creeeeeepy and I don’t even wanna see them naked
much less have their thingy buried deep inside my nether regions
so therefore God or whoever does not want me to have sex ever again! Booooooo!
ps: Phyllis sent me here- pleased ta meecha!
12. Codee on Mar 30, 2007 at 3:04 PM permalink
Umm the doctor is Rick Strassman
13. Lee Soarez on Mar 30, 2007 at 7:27 PM permalink
This is the part two i was talking about!!
I had my first “dry” orgasm last wednesday and it cannot be discribed, just felt! Took much practice but it’s REAL!Even i had doubts about it.. The day after gets changed too!
I knew most jerks woudn’t even grasp this article..
Brilliant piece, dog!
Of course it’s been blogged as a sequel..
Cheers.. and beers!
^v^
14. Humpasaur Jones on Mar 30, 2007 at 11:04 PM permalink
Riiiiiick Strassman. Yeah. I always do that for some reason.
15. Alpine Absinthe on Mar 31, 2007 at 12:28 PM permalink
There is a book called The Multiorgasmic Man. Details on how to exercise the muscles used in sexual practice and also goes into the methods by which one can learn the tantric non-ejaculatory orgasmic method. It also has information in there for females and exercising their muscles too. Highly interesting reading.
Stupid scientists for assuming that a chemical has only one usage in the body. When will they learn? Lol… I would have a hey day if I could get a job in a lab dealing with this sort of research.
Referred by Phyllis and I am glad. Your writing ability is very high and it was a pleasure to read a well written diatribe about such an interesting subject.
Enjoy!
16. 53880 on Mar 31, 2007 at 6:01 PM permalink
im pretty sure i was practicing tantric masturbation when i was 6, because no matter how hard i tried i never shot until after that huge bummer called “puberty”.
17. 53880 on Mar 31, 2007 at 6:27 PM permalink
oh, yea, and another thing...what if she likes the goo??? she loves the goo...fuck man.
18. Mxptlk on Apr 01, 2007 at 8:59 PM permalink
These sentences seem slightly ambiguous. Is it the orgasm that triggers the release of prolactin, or the ejaculation? My experience is that you can have full-body orgasms for hours and not be depleted, but ejaculation is the thing that causes the prolactin squirt.
I’m also wondering about the difference between the dopamine buzz and the oxytocin buzz. It seems to me that as long as you have systemic orgasms without ejaculating, it’s not so much dopamine as oxytocin, which is much better for many reasons. Perhaps you could explain this?
I’m only saying this from an experiential point of view, trying to fit what you’re writing with my own experience. I would like commentary.
19. Humpasaur Jones on Apr 01, 2007 at 9:32 PM permalink
Hey, it’s my favorite Superman character. Imagine that.
I actually cannot explain the neurology of orgasm, or the subjective difference between a dopamine buzz and an oxytocin buzz. I would agree that the language falls apart in the zone between orgasm and ejaculation—so much of the writing and research on human sexuality takes it for granted that the two are one and the same. Whole books have been written about sex science that never mention tantric options once. Miraculously, it remains an obscure concept despite being a central subject of all great art, poetry, mysticism and magick for about 4-6000 years now.
If you achieve a state of bliss, a peak experience, without blowing a load, is that still an orgasm? Or do we need a new term for that?
I don’t know. Perhaps we could call the tantric orgasm a Peek Experience.
20. Mxptlk on Apr 02, 2007 at 6:17 AM permalink
Thanks for your reply.
Exactly. At the BiologyOfKundalini.com"> site, the term Inner Conjunction is offered. That’s a bland term for a cosmic mind-blowing experience. “Chakra-energy-flow-orgasm” is awkward, even though it tells the story. Hmmm.
Yup, we need a new word.