Humpjones

PHEREMONE APOCALYPSE

Posted Aug 19, 2007 5 comments

Here’s a fun moral question: Is it wrong to use a chemical substance on a woman in a public setting in order to make her highly aroused and conclude she wants to fuck you?  I’ve been testing that question out on people all week—worth it for the looks alone, trust me—because of the assumptions it reveals.  You see, among people who could collect themselves enough to actually respond to my question, 100% of them just figured I was referring to Ruphenol. 

But nah...I’m actually talking about pheremones. Re-read the question again—it’s exactly the same, isn’t it?  In fact, here’s the only difference: with Ruphenol, you can only give a single dose in a single drink.  With Pherlure, you can walk around for hours and alter the neurological and hormonal state of any woman you come close to.

Pherwhat? Are you tripping again?

It had to happen eventually.  (Come to think of it, those precise words started off this whole site.)

For decades if not centuries, helpless desperate worthless men have been looking for an edge in the Reproduction Wars.  Depending on your mood and drugs of choice, it’s either really depressing or completely hilarious that none of these men will ever have any idea why they’re so desperate...even today, few humans are aware of the true nature of DNA.  After all, 67% of Americans polled by Newsweek couldn’t even identify what DNA was—are these folks ready for the truth about Toxoplasmosis? 

The bad news is, every single one of those meat puppets have finally found their weapon—Pherlure.  Everyone who’s seen The Legend of Ron Burgundy is familiar with the concept of pheremone-based cologne: it’s called Sex Panther, it smells like Satan ejaculating into a dumpster in Texas, and most importantly, it doesn’t work.  Hilarity ensues. Here’s the problem: this Pherlure shit actually works.  Apparently.  I do realize that, in the interest of “science” and “objectivity” I should get some of this stuff and try it out.  Of course, I have strange women hand me their panties on the street for no reason as it is, so there’s really no way I’d be able to tell the difference.

Pherlure, they claim, is backed by science.  Their website is a f***ing hoot, full of great graphs, real science and good advertising horseshit.  As an added bonus, they compare themselves to the competition, which is sold under the brand name of “Primal Instinct.” Not kidding, but I won’t give a link either, cuz if they want traffic from me, it starts at $500.

J.R."Bob" Dobbs: RIGHT AGAIN

Sure, I remember the first time I sat down in a coffee shop and idly reached over for a copy of The Book of the SubGenius because it looked...interesting.  Ha ha ha yeah, good call, kid. J.R. “Bob” Dobbs revealed himself to me on that day, and he’s only been back once since then.  However, this is not a testimonial...I’m not here to tell you about how the Church of the SubGenius literally saved my life or what Eris did to me in the summer of 1998…

...no, I’m talking about the Third Nostril.  Back in 1981, the existence of the Third Nostril was clearly proven by Ivan Stang, based upon the work of Stanislav Szukalski in the forbidden science of Zermatism.  The Third Nostril is the source of most human “psychic abilities” and “sixth senses” and today coward scientists insist on calling it the “vomeronasal organ.” Even the Objectivity Nazis over at wikipedia call this lump of sacred flesh “somewhat mysterious.” College kids call it “The Sixth Sense”—but then again, they’re probably smoking the dope, if you know what I mean.

In some ways, the brain is less important to a SubGenius than to a Pink.  Being less intuitive, they need more brains than we do.  Their value system is based on intelligence rather than good sense…

ENOUGH WITH THE SCIENCE ALREADY

Funny, I was just discussing entrainment over at, uh...some other website...and I mentioned the fact that women who live together tend to synchronize their menstrual cycles.  I have often wondered why that was, and I found out thanks to the BBC. “Women living together often synchronise their menstrual cycles because they secrete an odourless chemical in underarm sweat.” Well hot damn. It’s disturbing how much that sentence turns me on.

Okay, I Was Just Getting You Wound Up

Now, it’s important for me to say this, because otherwise someone else would: some folks claim that Pherlure is a scam.  Then again, there’s a lot of folks who say evolution is a scam, too.  The difference here is the Pherlure, clearly, is bullshit. 

They claim it’s backed up by “research from the University of Chicago” into the active ingredient of Pherlure—Di-Dehydroepiandrosterone.  The problem is there’s no such research paper, and there’s nothing—anywhere—about that chemical. 

It’s not even a very shrewd scam: it’s based on one shitty article (here) and one fake news item (here).  I have buried pranks more than 30 sites deep before, and most of them haven’t even been harvested yet, so I’d like to pause for a moment to unload some urine on the foreheads of these sad little amateurs.  Sure, the fake news item looks official, but that’s because they stole the logo from the University of Chicago site.  I can do that, too:

Sociological metastudy demonstrates that 98% of US consumers are now stupider than ever

Why are you still being a nice guy? If you can even read this article, you’re smarter than 90% of the people who live in the United States, and almost all of those people have money.  Many of them have more money than they know what to do with, and spent most of their “free time” desperately searching for ways to spend that money.  So what are you doing, human?  What’s your big plan, chump?  Running websites, giving perfectly information away for free? Alienating your audence because you insist on treating them like equals instead of catering to their non-existent attention spans?  Yeah, good one, Mr. Jones. There’s millions to be made out there, the only question is wether or not your soul is dead enough to hop on board the gravy train.

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