Humpjones

Objective Orgasms and the Occult

Posted Apr 19, 2007 5 comments

I used to think that we lived in a culture where subjective experience—as in, what you percieve inside your head—is worthless, but that was a dangerous mistake to make.  In fact it’s the total opposite: your subjective experience has a very precise price tag attached to it, and that’s what makes the “Entertainment Industry” possible. 

Once I realized that, I spent a full three years thinking that subjective experience was in fact worthless in the realm of “science”, which is based upon hard facts, tables of data, collections of statistics and experiments anyone can duplicate.  It took me awhile longer to realize that the humans who collect and analyze and evaluate these “hard facts” are themselves just having a subjective experience.  Now I don’t take the words “objective” and “subjective” even remotely serious anymore, and you could be forgiven for wondering why I just spent two paragraphs talking about it.

Puddles and Puddles of Puzzles

I’ve examined the curious substance known as manjuice once before.  We already know of it’s power. It’s one doorway for contemplating the Really Big Questions.  A recent BBC story cracked open the whole debate about the source of sperm all over again:

However, Dr Allan Pacey, secretary of the British Fertility Society, said: “This kind of work will be very useful in helping us understand the biology of how sperm are made.

“That in itself may provide some insight into why things sometimes go wrong and may lead to new approaches to treating male infertility.”

It’s one of those subtle tells that you learn to look for. The British Fertility Society is very interested in help understanding the biology of how. Sperm. Are made.  That’s a pretty obvious admission of total ignorance about the subject their own society is dedicated to, right?  Am I hallucinating this?

Yeah...that’s another Really Big Question. There are TV shows where children ask them in front of Bill Cosby, and a world full of adults laugh at how clueless and naive they are.  For instance, regardless of which angry, bearded God-monster created it, why is there a Universe to begin with?  All this stuff is just here?  Doesn’t that seem exceptionally suspicious to you?

There are a lot of people with compelling, coherent, and factually correct arguments about what will happen in the future.  Very, very few of them will be even remotely right, but all of them will make a living off promoting their visions in the meantime. As a friend of mine from Tennessee often reminds me:

“World War III will be a guerrilla information war with no division between military and civilian participation.”
-- Marshall McLuhan

The War of the Magicians

The battle for people’s minds is still going strong—in fact, stronger than ever.  More and more people are having that Rasputin Moment of Clarity, in which they realize, not intellectually but viscerally, in their nuts and stomach, that they are nothing but energy with a skin mask, playing the same games humans have been playing for tens of thousands of years.  Is this because of genetics?  Is there an even ratio of “visionary homo” types to normal hairless drones?  Are we seeing more and more Gurus simply because our population is increasing? Or are there environmental factors? 

I HAVE NO IDEA

Just kidding, I do know, actually.  Jesus Christ is the answer.

I went through a phase of my life where I rebelled against the Catholic and Christian system I was raised within.  I believe this is called Adolescence, especially since none of my parents or “parents” were even remotely religious people.  I railed against the Church for years, but increasingly came to realize I have no beef with Jesus whatsoever.  In fact, I chill with him on a fairly regular basis.  (I would like to mention that Guatama Buddha has been holding out on me since I was in 8th grade.  Not saying I judge him, just saying.)

I was walking down a seemingly endless beach at sunset with Jesus a few years ago, and we were looking at our footprints in the sand and getting pumped about how badass His life was.  Jesus is a good role model for you, and I say that without the slightest idea who you are.  Here’s why:

1. Jesus Provides Holy Coverage For All Human Weirdness.

There is literally nothing you can do that you can’t find a Bible passage to excuse you for.  We are, after all, discussing a book that includes this classic line:

“O Babylon, you devastator,
Happy shall they be who pay you back
what you have done to us!
Happy shall be they who take your little ones
and dash them against the rock!”

Think about it: Jesus flipped out on money-changers in the temple.  Jesus repeatedly talked shit to religious officials and law enforcement officers, in public.  Jesus got a job offer from Satan himself, and turned that shit down with total contempt, and a joint dangling from his lower lip.  The joint detail is based on some personal conversations, it’s not actually recorded anywhere in the Bible. 

2. Jesus Was Similar to Bob Dylan.

Let’s be clear here: Jesus never released a bad album, although critics have often failed to undestand his best material.  And even Zimmerman himself would admit that Jesus was a better songwriter.  But there’s a great Dylan quote: “To live outside the law, you’ve got to be honest.” Maybe that’s actually a Jesus quote and I’m just mixing the two of them up because I’m high.

The point is, as long as you have a clear scriptural and moral argument to justify what you do, you’re allowed to go buck motherfucking wild in the name of the Holy Father. Jesus laid down his Kingdom loud and clear in his response to the archetypal tax man in Matthew 22:21:

Render unto Caesar the things which are Caesar’s, and unto God the things that are God’s.

Jesus was the man with those slow burners.  It sounds like Jesus is being generous and agreeing with the tax system until you really think about it: what does God not own? Isn’t everything Caesar has really the property of God, the creator of the Universe and Controller of All Things? 

3. Jesus Was Down With Radical Protests.

The great thing about the Catholic Church is that no matter how corrupt and perverse the Vatican becomes, the Catholics still manage to produce some of the ballsiest and most honest humanitarians of each and every generation.  They’re usually in either Russia or somewhere in South America, but it’s worth remembering the Berrigan brothers, who were perfectly happy to serve extended time in prison for breaking the law in protest against the war machine in the United States. 

Jesus would not be working with lobbyists, he would be throwing them from the temple.  Same with lawyers.  Idealists see imaginary power structures, realists work with actual power structures, but zealots work only with the people who agree with them. This is both a handicap and a source of great power.  If you can get 12 other people on the same page, there is no limit to what you can pull off. 

I DECLARE YOU ALL SUPERHEROES, EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY STAY TOONED FOR FURTHER DETAILS

Filed in: Zeitgeist

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