Humpjones

Megan Phelps Needs Orgasms

Posted Mar 14, 2011

Hump Jones and Megan Phelps-Roper

The Westboro Baptist Church has a special place in my heart. I know a lot of my liberal friends can’t look past their “hatred,” but I see the WBC Family as some of the most honest Christians in the English-speaking world. See, unlike most Christians, I’ve actually read the Bible. And just like Megan Phelps, I know that the good book is very clear: HELL AWAITS. The Lord God Jehovah gives no quarter and has no mercy whatsoever.

So I respect Megan Phelps-Roper for confronting Americans with the last thing they want to hear: God’s not answering your prayers because he fucking hates you.

Megan Phelps-Roper | Pornography

Megan Phelps-Roper wasn’t always such a good Christian, though. Ephesians 4:15 instructs me to “speak the truth in love,” and I know that someone reading this could learn from her life story. You see, Megan Phelps was briefly led astray in 2010, and I happen to know the bastard who almost turned Megan against God. Worse yet, he’s a rapper. Worst of all, that rapper wasn’t me.

Witness Ex-Boyfriend of Megan Phelps-Roper

Nope...it was this guy. Goes by the name of Witness. Apparently making great albums is not enough for this shameless deviant—he’s got to test the faith of a beautiful virgin flower like sweet, sweet Megan. Now, I realize that Phelps haters will jump on the family secret I’m divulging here. I’d like to seriously, earnestly apologize to Shirley for what I’m writing. She’s a tough mama bear who’s beaten the odds and raised her children right. The last thing I want is to get inadvertently caught up in a WBC Fatwah...there’s nothing more tragic than casualties from friendly fire.

Besides, the point here is redemption. Megan was tempted, yes. What matters is that she rejected that temptation and without question, the experience made her Faith stronger. To this day, Witness is harassing her on Twitter, still trying to weasel a crooked, heathen finger into her pants. He shall not prevail. I just want Megan to know that I support her 100%. I want her to know that I understand her struggle and I respect her mission...and more than anything else, I want her to know how much I appreciate the fact she’s saving herself for me.