Making Peace With Your Tiny Dick
Posted May 16, 2008 13 comments
Is your dick big enough? Do women you sleep with tend to wake up in the emergency room? Do you lose consciousness every time you have an erection? Can you club a baby seal to death with your flaccid penis? These are questions that humanity faces, here in this brave new millennium. This is what you need to know.
On page 22 of the March 2007 issue of Maxim, there’s a remarkable little blurb I’d like to share with you beautiful people. Ahem:
Q: Do “male enhancement” products actually do anything?
A: When we asked Dr. Steven Lamm [from NYU’s school of medicine] he didn’t beat around the bush: “That’s a flat no.” While he acknowledged that implants can affect width, when it comes to length you’re simply out of luck: “It is just really hard to make the penis longer, OK?” He suggested instead dropping some pounds: “For every 30 pounds of weight loss there is an increase in the appearance of your penis of around one inch.” Or just buy the red sports car already.
Considering at least 5-10% of the Maxim advertising income is from those same “male enhancement” products, my hat is off the editorial staff for demonstrating the presence of actual testicles.
BUT YET—the industry marches on. How? Why? Don’t these products offer you total satisfaction or your money back? Of course they, do, human—that’s just sociology at work. See, most sociology experiements are funded by advertising companies, and they publish it publicly because they know most of you can technically read, but are much too lazy to actually learn.
Let’s take a look at the invisible hand of conformity for a second—after all, in a country where nearly 80% of men over 18 state they worry about the size of their penis, you know there’s something horribly wrong. Logically, you’d expect around 49% of them to be worried, right? Right?
Over at the Brainsturbator library, we’ve got a book you should probably read if this question seriously interests you—yeah, I know, here goes nothing:
It goes a little something like this: if I tell people that my product has been around for years, and that we guarantee customer satisfaction and offer a full refund, and that we’ve had less than 1% of those customers ever ask for the refund—it’s already too late for rational thought. I just completely defined the context and parameters of the Male Enhancement Universe, and all further calculations you make will be within the cage I just built for you.
Because what happens if it doesn’t work? What’s wrong with you? Why are you in that less than 1% of total failures with such defective cocks that not even my amazing product can save you?
Advertising is a great business to be in—you get to install industrial-grade insecurities in children and then exploit them for the rest of your customer’s meaningless lives. Nevermind the transparently obvious fact that women are just desperate for affection and security—guys still believe that their girlfriend of 2 years is about to walk out on them because she’s not bleeding every time they have sex.
As a side note, please observe the location of the man’s left hand in that photograph. Effective ads are all about subtlety.
But you’re smarter than all this—you know damn well your penis is not only big enough, it’s too much for this Universe to handle. You are Pan Incarnate, you are a lion on the African plain and your bellowing orgasm-roars are heard from Johannesburg to Cairo. You are Zeus giving Europa more than she bargained for, you are Jehovah deflowering the Virgin Mary because you felt like it. Meditate on that and spend your money on more important things, like beer.
Go get ‘em.
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Filed in: Sex Science
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Comments
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1. admin on Mar 06, 2007 at 10:48 AM permalink
Oh yeah—handy graph of the worldwide distribution of cock size:
http://wwwu.edu.uni-klu.ac.at/amiklaut/dr_nick/pics/len_in.gif
2. squid viscous on Mar 06, 2007 at 10:56 AM permalink
lions have notoriously small penises and apparently they dont find sex very enjoyable, in fact quite the opposite. they do it like 200 times in a row though and it only lasts like thirty seconds.
3. admin on Mar 06, 2007 at 12:52 PM permalink
Yeah, all felines have those barbs, cat sex is a pretty ugly affair. But as we all know, reality has less than zero bearing on my writing to begin with.
4. dirty on Mar 06, 2007 at 5:24 PM permalink
is there a reason for the low volume of comments on this very arousing subject? i have a feeling that a good number of your intelligent readers may have dabbled in the enhancement market. but i do appreciate your advice.... BEER is always a good alternative to any mass advertising campaign. BEER and a good ol bar of procter and gamble soap make me just happy to be alive....despite my shortcomings
5. Iblis on Mar 06, 2007 at 8:23 PM permalink
I have never dabbled in the enhancement bussiness,I figure if I get off, why should I care if the other one does as well...I am kidding. So has any females used breast enhancement pills? What was the results
6. Sage on Mar 06, 2007 at 8:41 PM permalink
This is a fine example of Grade A instructional materials for starting your own cult...get the people to hate themselves or more importantly, create an environment that externalizes internal thoughts and they will acquiesce ALL of their power on their own. (Saves having to beat them into submission huh?) Plus they will be excellent mindless little customers/propegators for all the control mechanisms (yes that includes penis enhancements, all forms of “entertainment”, alcohol, cigarettes, antidepressants/antianxiety meds, over the counters, all drugs legal and illegal, social ideals, etc.) and thus perpetuate the cycle…
The only reason people drink, socialize, try to get bigger penises, or do any of that silly shit...is to attempt to disconnect from themselves. (It wasn’t you who put that belief there.) People can’t even face their own thoughts anymore, because it is only your thoughts (and the problems that come with “thinking") that will make you do stuff like that. It’s incredibly ironic though because by trying to run away from problems or by ignoring them (no matter how “small” this problem is), you just bury them deeper and deeper until you forced to either:
A. Accumulate enough negative content to be destroyed by it from the inside out
or B. You eventually end up facing them anyway.
Please people, you have to acknowledge a problem before you can solve it, much like this lovely article expresses so eloquently...MAKE PEACE WITH YOUR TINY DICK. hahah
On the same note, more macro-ly speaking, we all need to make peace with our “tiny” minds before anything. The only way a utopia would be possible is if everyone was responsible for themselves on every level. (You’re so close if you are already reading articles like this...)
So hurry up, I’m tired of all the retardation...we are so close to perfectness! (I’m sure you, Humpasaur are tired of all this bullshit too...*obviously*...which is why you probably drink like a fish right? X_X)
Ok, I’ll shut up now…
7. squid viscous on Mar 07, 2007 at 7:19 AM permalink
actually fish don’t drink so much as they absorb fluids through their skin and gills, and the food they eat.
h. rumpus mostly just drinks like a raging alcoholic.
8. Chris Dizzy on Mar 08, 2007 at 7:33 AM permalink
"Can I have Uh Leangth and or girth?!” YES BEER!!
9. slayer on Mar 14, 2007 at 11:41 AM permalink
hhuumm uh i’m not really worried about the lenght of my dick at all, i’m not guess i’m in the minority again but i have been in a minority of some kind for most of my life. so have fun i try to. and for women STAY AWAY FROM PHARMYS most of you are not as crazy as the docs say you are those pills are not only addictive form every thing i’ve witnessed but they will dry out bit of your anatomy at incovenint times NOT FUN.
Peace
Love
Empathy
good times to you all.
10. Phyllis on May 24, 2007 at 4:32 AM permalink
The easiest way for me handle this debate is to patiently tell you that size doesn’t matter, it’s how you use it. And that is mostly true. There is nothing more tedious than being pounded endlessly by a big dick attached to an unskilled lover. I would much rather have a below average sized penis on a guy skilled with his tongue and hands, than a big dick on a guy who doesn’t have a clue about the way my body works.
At the risk of sounding like a total whore (which I am not particularly ashamed of) I have seen dozens of cocks. The majority of you are approximately the same size. The big difference is in curve and width, not length.
That being said...a big penis on a guy who is good in bed in general is a fucking god-send!
11. Phyllis on May 24, 2007 at 4:49 AM permalink
and I had to add…
I like penis, in all of its varied forms!
(yikes, there’s that whore thing again)
12. magflow on May 24, 2007 at 6:47 AM permalink
Humpa humpa burnin’ love,
how big is YOUR dick?
Are you a tickle me elmo or a ribsplitter?
and what about girth? Girth is the unsung hero here..NOTHING is ever mentioned about the fatties. It’s all friction, right? Good friction really has more to do with the diameter of the cock than the length in my experience, which is considerable. I’ve “known” penis that exceeds that graph by 5 inches and the best of all of them has always been the fatties...in particular this one sweet 5.5inch weenie that was as fat as it was long and continues, all these years later, to “pop up” fondly in my memory .
Granted, one cannot perform some of the more acrobatic of positions with the shorter guys, but the friction when things get down to business is far superior to the long skinnies. Also an interesting aside...the average didtance from a woman’s lips to her gag reflex is approximately 5.5 inches. Coincidence? I don’t think so.
magflow
13. magflow on May 24, 2007 at 6:58 AM permalink
Slayer...spell check baby, spell check.