Humpjones

Humpasaur Jones Christmas Message of Love

Posted Dec 25, 2007 6 comments

It’s been a long weird month and I won’t even address it here.  I found this article sitting in the scrap pile and I don’t remember writing it.  It’s very appropriate for a Christmas Day spent alone with coffee and my thoughts.  I’m back, and I will be writing a lot in the next few weeks.  Meanwhile, enjoy this and enjoy your “free time.”

Real Winners Know They’re Really Just Losers

I used to agonize over the irony of my wiring.  It drove me a little crazy, between you and me.  Why is it that the second I accomplish something—anything—it’s immediately not good enough? I happen to know the answer—no big deal, it’s just a combination of my mother and father and the people I look up to being mostly liars.  More importantly, the answer doesn’t matter to me anymore.  I see myself for who I am and now that I’m in a position to heal, find closure, and change my darn life....I don’t really want to.

I’m interested to see how far I can take this.  (Apparently a lot of other people are wondering the same thing.) We all have parasite voices in our heads—sick, abusive and paranoid scripts that just loop over and over and make us feel like shit.  It’s so common and so pervasive I can’t even exaggerate.  We’re all possessed by demons that we just kinda put up with while they drive us to exhaustion and numb acceptance of defeat.  We’re all having constant inner conversations with disembodied, repeating language viruses that fucking hate us.

The funniest part is that anyone who thinks I’m exaggerating is lying to themselves. 

And kids think being a magician is fun.

Here’s a handy shortcut I discovered this year.  It’s just a sentence, but when I use it on myself it’s very effective.  It’s gotten great results with other people, too.  It makes them very, very angry—but when I talk through the anger we both discover the sentence was also very, very true.  It’s about depression, which is the most common brain virus in our culture, and there’s a very good reason for that.

If you’re depressed, it’s because you accepted defeat. Giving up on your hopes and dreams leads to depression.  Rationalizing why you’ve given up and allowed yourself to be caged leads to depression.  Remember the caged monkeys: we know this from rigorous observation of animals in captivity.  First symptom: depression.  Caged animals get depressed.  Free animals get happy, healthy and horny.  If you’re depressed, it’s because you accepted defeat.  Grow a spine, sharpen up your teeth, get back to work.  And please, shut the fuck up.

10,000 Days of Thunder

So what’s the source of these demons?  Castenada wrote up a metric ton of lies that wound up becoming true, and he called it The Predator.  I’ve speculated about Toxoplasmosis, but I’m not too attached to my own theories.  We’re all fond of our own ideas, but eventually you gotta wash your socks and throw out the kleenex, folks.  I try to do that as soon as possible, your approach may vary.

I’m not gonna pretend I’ve got any solutions, either.  Still working on my self, myself.  As Jay Levinson advises—and it’s some of the best business advice you’ll ever find anywhere—“Engage in no expansion until you have eliminated all of the mistakes in your current operation.” In other words, I’ll tell you how to live when I can get a reliable mechanism for steak dinners and fresh grapefruits.  Meanwhile, I’ll eat whatever I can, whenever I can, and continue perfecting my personal system. 

Peace Out, Don Juan

If there’s anything I desperately want to get through to anyone and everyone reading this....here it is.

I am not fucking kidding.

I dress up in silk shirts and rap about sex because the core issue here is all too real.  I’m going to pass the mic to Carlos Castenada and his fictional-but-real creation, don Juan, because that ventriloquist act was a big influence on Humpasaur Jones.  If you’re interested in exploring this hilarious nightmare further, start with John Keel.  Me, I’m going to stop contemplating pretty much anything until after Christmas.  Too much living to do. Stay warm and stay crazy, I will be back with a hangover after New Years Eve, unless I get some truly depraved photos while I’m on the road.

“I want to appeal to your analytical mind,” don Juan said. “Think for a moment, and tell me how you would explain the contradiction between man the engineer and the stupidity of his systems of beliefs, or the stupidity of his contradictory behavior. Sorcerers believe that the predators have given us our systems of beliefs, our ideas of good and evil, our social mores. They are the ones who set up our hopes and expectations and dreams of success and failure. They have given us covetousness, greed, and cowardice. It is the predators who make us complacent, routinary, and egomaniacal.”

“But how can they do this, don Juan?” I asked. “Do they whisper all that in our ears while we sleep?”

“No, they don’t do it that way. That’s idiotic!” don Juan said, smiling. “They are infinitely more efficient and organized than that. In order to keep us obedient and meek and weak, the predators engaged themselves in a stupendous maneuver - stupendous, of course, from the point of view of a fighting strategist. A horrendous maneuver from the point of view of those who suffer it. They gave us their mind! Do you hear me! The predators give us their mind, which becomes our mind. The predators mind is baroque, contradictory, morose, filled with fear of being discovered any minute now.”

“I know that even though you have never experienced hunger,” he went on, “you have food anxiety, which is none other than the anxiety of the predator who fears that any minute now its maneuver is going to be uncovered and food is going to be denied. Through the mind, which, after all, is their mind, the predators inject into the lives of human beings whatever is convenient for them. And they ensure, in this manner, a degree of security to act as a buffer against their fear.”

Filed in: Zeitgeist

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