Hump Jones Gives Ron Jeremy Mad Props
Posted Apr 06, 2007 8 comments
30 years in the business. Over 1,750 films. Somehow, Ron Jeremy still has his sense of humor (and decency) intact. Of course, what do I know? I’ve never hung out with the man, and even if I did? Ron Jeremy might be a monstrous sociopath in disguise, and perhaps I’ll get a bunch of hateful emails from ex-porn stars over this. Then again...that’s going to happen eventually anyway...no sense waiting around for it. Based on what I do know, Ron Jeremy seems like a genuinely good guy, and by Krishna, we’re going to give him Mad Props here today.
“I was criticized by one of the filmmakers, who told me that guys can’t laugh and have a boner at the same time. I never thought about it, but I had to agree with him.”
I dunno about that, Ron—I’m sure I’m not the only person who’s had sex on the living room floor while Happy Gilmore was on, right? ...right?
Good Porn is Happy Porn (DAMMIT)
Some readers will remember Max Hardcore—I’m willing to bet more than a few of you avoided the recent post on puke porn, and I can respect that. Some readers will already know him, and either way, Ron Jeremy is none too fond of the poodle in the cowboy hat:
When I recently asked portly porn superstar Ron Jeremy about the state of porn, his response was swift: “I don’t like it at all. It’s too extreme. These days it’s all about how many dicks can you stuff in one ass.” Jeremy finds Hardcore’s popularization of “choke-fucking,” or gripping a woman’s throat during sex, the most distasteful. “If a girl’s not smiling, if she’s not enjoying it, then I don’t like it.”
Porn has produced a great many walking, talking Worst Case Scenarios—mutant assholes like Al Goldstein, human cancers like John Holmes, legal disasters like Traci Lords—but Ron Jeremy seems to be living successfully, staying sane, and even aging gracefully. He claims his life is an open book, and sure enough, there are pages on dick size:
...nine and three quarters inches. That’s the true answer. They used to call me 10 in the news, but I’ll take it. They used to call John [Holmes] 14, he was eleven and a half. Not that that’s not huge--that’s almost a foot.
Did We Mention Dude Can Blow Himself?
From a TRULY EXCEPTIONALLY ENTHUSIASTIC review at imdb of the upscale, “classic” skin-flick Inside Seka:
I’m sure there are several movies where he does it, but when Seka tells Ron Jeremy to go and pleasure himself. And he does. It makes the whole movie worth it! I haven’t seen the movie since I was younger, but that image will forever be in my brain. We all wish we could. It’s nice to see that someone actually made it. Ron really did it for all the men out there. Thanks Ron, I raise a glass to thee.
Ron says he’s been too old and flabby to pull that off for over a decade now, but then again, Buzz Aldrin is too old for anymore space flights and he’s still punching out young guys and being an all-around badass in his old age. The important thing is, Ron could do it, and he did it, and it’s on DVD forever now. When aliens are picking through the elephant bones, they will see the glory of Ron Jeremy.
The Zionist Lesbian Hollywood Conspiracy
RON JEREMY:An average actor makes $30,000 a year, $40,000 a year. An actress can make between $300,000 and $400,000 a year, if they’re a contract player.
CHRIS NEUMER: What do you get paid by? Scene or movie?
RON JEREMY: It depends: the guys get paid by scene, the girls get paid by scene or by per month fee of the contract. A girl can make from $150,000 to a quarter of a million a year. Remember, you only get like $60,000 a year from a company like Metro.
Although porno actors—the studs themselves—make much less money than the starlets do, they make that money banging the starlets, so it’s hard to feel bad for them. (Well, it’s easy to feel bad for Dick Nasty, who lost a bet to an enterprising director back in the 90’s and had to do a scene with a 100 year old woman. It took him an entire bottle of Jack Daniels and, according to legend, a loaded gun leveled at his dick. Considering the 100 year old woman was actually 83, take it with a grain of salt.)
Come to think of it, Ron Jeremy actually beat out Dick Nasty in that particular category. Observe:
Q. Al Goldstein (publisher of Screw magazine) said you slept with an 87-year-old woman?
A. Yes, it’s true, I did. Basically, I’m a whore and I was offered money, but actually it was very socially redeeming. I wanted to prove to the world that you’re never too old to have sex and to have fun. It was so important because I know so many old people stop in their sixties and why?
This lady named Rosie advertised in the papers to find a lover, so they put her in this porn film and they hired me to work with her for a lot of money because a lot of guys didn’t want to do it. There’s very little sex in it. The sex lasts only minutes, and we used not only HIV tests, but we used rubbers to show the world that it’s okay. The greatest line in the movie is when Rosie says she could not find men her age to keep an erection. I said, “Rosie, guys your age have been dead for ten years!” It was a funny, socially redeeming film to make, and I set up a situation called “karma,” because when I’m 87 years old, and I want some lady in her forties to do me, it’s fair!
Howard Stern and Robin Quivers did a whole big thing on the air about me being in the movie and they called me on the phone in Hollywood. We had a long talk about it on the air. I kept saying, “Well, Howard, didn’t Anna Nicole Smith mess around with a guy in his nineties?” and he said, “Yes, Ron, but not on tape.”
...and THANK GOD FOR SMALL FAVORS.
The Zionist Porn Star Hollywood Conspiracy
Somehow, The Hedgehog is implicated in a number of plots against the United States and Christian Decency. There are those who claim that Ron Jeremy is the head of a cabal of Hollywood porn stars bent on destroying the “Moral Fabric” of our great nation—although I’ve always been unclear on exactly what fabric that is. Perhaps it’s the same material as the smallpox blankets we were handing out? More likely, it’s the fabric of our lives—Cotton, the official textile of African Slave Labor. If Ron Jeremy is connected to any nefarious plots, though, it turns out he’s very connected—dig this quote from a recent interview with the man:
I have a lot of family in government. I have some who work forů well, I have a very impressive family, let’s put it that way. A lot of them are out there fighting. My whole family are veterans. My dad was in WWII, my mom was a Lieutenant during WWII, then became a member of the OSS, she was a decoder and cryptographer, she was basically a spy, and then OSS became the CIA in the late 40’s. My mother was in the forerunner to that. She spoke fluent German and fluent French. My whole family is all veterans, everybody.
Tavistock psyop? Illuminati Dionysus? Lucky motherfucker? REPTILIAN??? Odds are Ron, just like anyone reading this, is a human being, far simpler than people make him out to be, and more complex than we could give him credit for. He just happens to be Enjoying The Ride way more than most humans do. After all...when was the last time you had this happen to you in an airport?
Filed in: The War on Sex
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