Humpjones

Homeland Security - A Bunch of Perverts

Posted Mar 07, 2007 7 comments

Speaking as a US citizen who’s been arrested—repeatedly—for public nudity, I’m more than a little confused by the latest in Homeland Security technology.  These new scanners peek underneath the clothing of airline passengers (or anyone else, in a few years) essentially rendering them naked before they eyes of the airline security perverts.

Now, I know for a fact that if I walked around a damn airport naked, I would be getting a free ride to prison.  Yet I would undeniably be providing a service to Homeland Security and making life easier for everyone.  Maybe 2012 really will bring about Mass Enlightenment—all it would take is a total ban on clothing and personal possessions.  Everyone would be a smiling Yogi in a matter of weeks, it would be Heaven on Earth—or at the very least, damn interesting.  And besides, just think of how safe we’d all be!

“I think that is a violation of people’s personal rights,” said Kara Neal, 36, a mental health counselor on her way to Philadelphia.

That’s adorable, Kara. Here in the 22nd Century, security—much like light beer—is all a matter of taste.  You can have underpaid and poorly-trained Worker Drones ogling your X-ray curves, or you can have underpaid and poorly-trained Worker Drones working their rubber-gloved fingers around in your rectum.  We’re all about personal choice in the Brave New World.

DANGEROUS WOMEN OF THE END TIMES

The front lines of the War Against Terror: legally groping any woman you want to—and all it takes is a high school diploma and a few weeks of training.  There have been over a thousand sexual harrasment lawsuits brought against airport security since the newer, betterer regulations came into effect.  (That’s not even counting all the brave baggage handlers who’ve been protecting us from our wallets, nice clothes and valuables—that’s a whole other kind of hero, we won’t get into that.)

There’s no shortage of stirring tales of bravery—how about the three year old girl reduced to tears while being patted down?  I know, I know...she was just being a sissy.  And she was probably dressed like a slut, too.  Here’s another gem:

At Kennedy Airport in NYC, a woman was forced by a security guard to drink from three bottles of her own breast milk to prove that the white liquid posed no threat to anyone.

That gets me hard just thinking about it. Of course, if you object to any of this you’re obviously a terrorist—or at least some kind of fag—and you will be arrested and detained.  The next time someone tells you that ”millions of soliders died to protect your freedom,” ask them if this is what they’re referring to.

NOBODY WINS WITH ANAL TERRORISM

As if on cue, the Universe provided an even more bizarre coda: at LAX yesterday, an Iraqi citizen—“35-year-old Fadhel al-Maliki of New Jersey”—kept on setting off metal detectors no matter how much clothing he took off.  After being stripped completely naked and taken in for further questioning, he suddenly remembered: oh yeah, I’ve got magnets up my ass! Apparently this is some sort of therapy.

Al-Maliki told investigators the objects have therapeutic properties, and that he had forgotten to remove them before reaching the security checkpoint. They were described as a magnet wrapped with a piece of gum in a napkin and then coiled with wire; and some kind of round, polished stone.

“I believe we’re about as confused as you until we finish the investigation,” said Ethel McGuire, the assistant special agent in charge of the FBI’s Los Angeles office.

Ethel McGuire will die confused, I’m sad to say.  Some things will never compute for the prison guards of the Earth Farm, and rectal magick is definitely one of them.  I look forward to the day when people wake up to the need for actual security—when that happens, I’ll finally have a respectable job because mere cops just aren’t qualified to defend a planet as infinitely weird as this one.

Filed in: The War on Sex

Next entry: Gloria Steinem Worked for the CIA, Baby

Previous Entry: Western Civilization: Still Eating Its Own Kids