Humpjones

Free Advice for Musicians, Part 1: The Bio

Posted Apr 20, 2007 8 comments

Today I want to talk about the “bio”. This is short for “biology”. In today’s modern music world, your “bio” is more important than your music, since it’s generally what people see first. You need to establish and define exactly what you do, otherwise people will feel threatened and angry because they’re being confronted by something new.

It’s important that you guide the nervous, easily spooked potential fan with a series of easily recognizable guideposts.  This is who you ”sound like,” sometimes referred to as your ”influences.” For instance, I can’t say my actual influences are Bob Dylan, Chuang Tzu and Motion Man because that’s hard for people to process.  Instead, I am influenced by Eminem, KRS-One, and Aesop Rock, despite the fact I don’t even listen to those dudes.

There’s nothing funnier than a poorly written bio. Although most “doctors” will tell you it’s not anatomically possible for a human being to suck their own dick, I see it happen every day. Everyone is the next big thing, everyone is changing the rap game. Hilariously, the easiest way to spot a dipshit with no real talent is to look for people who tell you how great they are.  Believe me, I’m one of the all-time greatest rappers who ever held a motherfucking microphone.

Most conventional publicists would tell you to include a list of your accomplishments in your bio. This is a mistake, because there is only one accomplishment that matters—and it’s called a Grammy. Until you get one, you’re just listing people you opened for, and that’s something most of us do in the privacy of their own homes.

No. A bio, for any self-respecting artist, is a tool to alienate potential fans and let the world know just how special and different you are. Here’s an example:

“Wombaticus Rex is an exercise in deliberate failure. Rapper Thirtyseven was born in Vermont in 1981 and he’s still too fucking poor to leave. DJ Multiple Sex Partners drinks too much and his parents hate him. Neither one of them even have girlfriends right now. They make rap music, and there’s some teenagers on the internet who think they’re cool. Future career moves include several albums, getting a “real job”, and suicide.”

See how easy that was? Just tell the truth! NOBODY WILL EVER BELIEVE YOU.

Duck the Genre Trap

Here’s a failsafe method for classifying yourself, if you make rap music: you do hip hop. Plain and simple.  No additional adjectives or modifiers, you just do hip hop. Anything more specific than that is either an attempt to belong to some smaller, inferior scene, or a misguided quest for identity.  By all means, find yourself on your own time. Do some fuckin’ hip hop while you’re onstage. 

90% of the music business is a pantomime power game based on body language and facial cues.  All of the sub-sub-genre names—like “trip hop” or “true school” or “grime”—are actual language traps created by intelligent and ruthless music biz operatives.  The trick is pretty straightforward, you just create a blatantly retarded new subgenre...like “emo hop” for instance...and whoever jumps on that is an idiot.  Boom, you just saved yourself a lot of time and had some good chuckles doing it.

How much of the music industry is just a social game and how much of it is actually nescessary?  Has the record label, corporate model already collapsed a few years ago, and are the rest of us still acting out the same roles, not knowing what else to do? Is there any possible frickin way to have honest interactions with your fans, listeners and customers without having to resort to suit and tie bullshit?  Better yet, can I run a record label without having to wear shoes?

Further Samples

One radical strategy that’s been shaking up the whole business world: honesty.  That’s right, young mavericks and visionaries have found that telling the truth is working for the corporate world.  Observe the opening paragraph of the Hump Jones booking information:

Humpasaur Jones can definitely be too much. We have been kicked offstage in the middle of shows before. We are entertainers first and foremost — we’re also surrealists and anarchists, though. Please bear that in mind when you inquire about booking Humpasaur.

Of course, that entire passage was a fabrication—Humpasaur Jones has never played a live show (that I’ll admit to, at least) but in terms of my magical roller coaster of a rap career, all those incidents have in fact happened.  Insane and awful things will no doubt continue to happen in the nexus where my friends, my music, and my drug habits come into alignment.  So that paragraph is a Fair Game warning, and by business standards it is the most resonantly and nakedly honest thing I have ever written in my entire life ever.

The Musician’s Bio As Singles Ad

The most important aspect to consider when you look over your promotional material is this question:

WHAT DOES MY IMAGE AND MANIFESTO SAY ABOUT MY SEX LIFE?

A lot of rappers feel the need to make it very clear they’re not gay faggots.  But in doing so, they devote so much space to talking about that, it makes them look stupid.  Stupid is never sexy unless it’s tragic, and if that angle works for you, milk it.  But you should know: intelligent mature women really do fuck better, so aim high, playa. 

Hopefully this report has been useful to those of you getting started in the rap game.  My best piece of advice—never get stressed out if you think everyone you’re dealing with is fake and just using you.  Remember that you, too, are fake as fuck and just using everyone around you.  Remember what Simba learned upon the cliff...remember the Circle of Life.

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