Humpjones

Flesh is Light, Volume One

Posted May 13, 2008 426 comments

Personally, I can think of nothing as throbbingly sexy as hundreds of people in a big room, all having intercourse in sync and following instructions that are shouted at them by some guy with a bullhorn.  Yes sir, that is entertainment, that is smoking gun proof that Japan remains the same inherently surperior culture they always have been.  In the United States --- Texas, specifically --- they have gang-bangs, hideous staged rituals where a single female athelete (known affectionately as “porn stars") will copulate with hundreds of men.  In most cases, these men have literally come in off the street.  They shuffle around with their pants around their ankles and numbers stapled to their Nascar T-shirts.  There is nothing as empty as a gang-bang, but yet a mass banging is somehow not only palatable, it is truly delicious.

This is pornography that was staged, recorded and paid for by the Rev. Sum Myung Moon himself.  Although I just made that accusation up, if it were true it would be one of the more sane things he has done in his lifetime.  Perhaps pornography is offensive to the sensitive reader, and all this windowgazing is distasteful for the ethically minded, but there is nothing as obscene as the fact Moon had himself coronated as King of the World --- not only that, he did so in Washington, DC and it was attended by hundreds of congressmen and federal officials.  Moon has a very cozy relationship with the Bush family, owns the Washington Times, and is among the richest men on the planet.  He also stages mass weddings in giant Asian sports stadiums, which is why I suspect he’s jacking off to this exact movie, right now, somewhere in Budapest.

Fun fact: everyone naked in this movie was paid about $10 american.  If you want to understand how to manipulate any given mass population, there are really only two places to start.  The first is looking at the past century of local history, the second is to get about 20 copies of different local pornography magazines.  (German and Japanese porn are both particulary abundant lines of study.  As to why this is, we’re not supposed to talk about that on this site.)

Could you have sex in a room with over 500 other people, plus a camera running? Can you piss when you know people are watching you?  A note to reader: looking too closely at sex, or death, lead you to the same uncomfortable grey zone.  Talking about what you see there will get you labeled a pervert, a criminal, and a Very Bad Person.  This is just paranoia and superstition, though, because all the good stuff is contained in that grey zone and you will learn more about yourself and your fellow humans by staring intently at that spot than you could learn anywhere else.  We are created and we will shall be destroyed, and in the meantime, hot damn the sex is sure fun!

What happens to monkeys who are given orgasm buttons?  The “switch” for an electronic implant embedded within their brain, which can trigger an orgasm response every time the circuit is tripped?  In a related question, why is it that statistically, any amount of TV watching you do will increase weekly, always tending towards the national average of 6.3 hours per day? When you smoke a bowl or a cigarette, when you have a coffee or a beer, do you want another one?  Maybe this is stretching, but: is there any way to be “sane” or “mentally healthy” in a culture where sex is taboo and death is entertainment?

But fuck philosophy, right? The real issue here is, who are these people?  Who is that dude with the camera?  Who was walking around with a clipboard taking notes while this movie was being shot?  Humans adapt to anything eventually.  Millions of people work in slaughterhouses, walking through ankle-thick pools of blood and fat on their way to the lunch room for break.  Watching people have acrobatic sex for hours on end is “going to work” for some of us.  (More amazingly still, many humans are even lawyers.)

There are no easy answers, but there is a world full of pornographic options for you to pursue while you rationalize all this away.  When you’re settling back into the emptiness of life, the endorphins released by orgasm make the transition much easier.  Although there is no universal panacea, no perfect remedy, and no dubbed version of this movie yet, I still give three thumbs up for “500 Sex”.  Look for it.

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Next entry: Making Peace With Your Tiny Dick

Previous Entry: Party Like Antonio Patrinostro.

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