Humpjones

Emetophilia is the dirtiest word ever.

Posted Mar 14, 2007 10 comments

Although this ravishingly profound masterpiece will address the topic of what can only be called puke porn, I would like the make it clear to you, the reader, that I’m not going to be showing you any.  See, I happen to think that it’s a motherfucking disgusting idea.  Perhaps you do, too...but if not, here’s a link, go away.

If vomiting turns you on, that’s no mere fetish, that’s a profound and fundamental malfunction.  Psychological studies have universally found vomiting to be the most repulsive and disgusting sound and image to human beings in nearly every culture.  Science has even proclaimed it ”The Worst Sound in the World.” The general thinking is that we have a neurologically hardwired reaction to avoid disease. 

Of course, that’s just scientists, and frankly...they’re not too bright.  I got over my revulsion of puke before I even graduated high school—there’s only so many hangovers you can muscle through before hurling your brains out is just plain no longer gross.  After awhile, it’s actually kind of funny, and that’s generally when you know you’ve got a Serious Life Problem on your hands. 

But my alcoholism is one thing.  Watching two naked Asian girls throw up on each other, repeatedly, is quite another.  As far as actually masturbating while you watch that...well, look, I don’t judge you or anything, I just don’t think of you as a human being. 

Nah, I’m kidding. My own predelictions are vastly more perverse, I’m in no position to point fingers at anyone, even if your own finger is firmly down your throat.  Emetophiles are, more often than not, educated and rational human beings, such as this enthusiast:

Before I get inundated with emails about the “dangers” I did not point out I will discuss some possible problems. Choking on ones vomit is a possibility in any situation, if a finger or penis is in your mouth it definitely could not help the situation. Also vomit is a body fluid and can carry diseases these could be transmitted if your vomited upon or come in contact with someone else’s puke.

Another angle that gets explored is the catharsis of blowing chunks—although I’m not fond of the ohshithereitcomes rush before it happens, I have to admit based on my extensive experience that the endorphin rush that follows a hangover purging is a lot like morphine.

....[There is] an analogy between the process of vomiting and an orgasm. The say stomach contractions are similar to the stomach spasms you have during an orgasm, vomiting releases the built up tension. The subsequent relief of nausea, or from the discomfort of an over full stomach, is like the euphoria one feels following an orgasm.

The Most Repressed Homo on Earth

The dawn of puking in porn can be traced back to Max Hardcore, who is a stain of a human being.  He’s also a highly under-rated philosopher—for example:

“It’s pretty easy to get a slut to spread solo for the camera, and quite a different matter to get her to take it up the ass and puke up piss.”

Now I know what you’re probably thinking—“I want someone to read that at my wedding and my funeral”—but Max Hardcore is actually a truly unhinged shithead, don’t let his eloquence fool you. 

Max Hardcore specializes in dressing up porn stars like 12-year old girls and basically abusing them brutally for 10-20 minutes, subjecting them to truly hateful and disgusting acts that I really don’t want to explain—if you’re morbidly curious, read the Rotten Library article.  (Or maybe the Wiki article is somehow “safer” because you’re at work...for a really overblown “cultural analysis”, try City Paper.)

Further Proof There Is No God

So Max Hardcore gets a four-story mansion in Pasadena—he’s worth millions—and meanwhile, random people all around the planet are afflicted with CVS.  No, not the pharmacy chain...that stands for Cyclical Vomiting Syndrome, which has to be among the worst weird diseases known to mankind.  The symptoms are a headfuck unto themselves:

CVS has been recognised for over 100 years, but we still know very little about the cause of the problem and there is still no recognised treatment.

CVS is characterised by recurrent, prolonged attacks of severe vomiting, nausea and lethargy, with no apparent cause. Vomiting persists at frequent intervals, 5-6 times per hour at the peak, for periods ranging from hours to10 days or more. It most commonly lasts for between 1 and 4 days. The episodes are self-limiting and tend to be similar to each other in symptoms and duration. The sufferer is generally in good health between episodes.

(As a supremely weird side note, when you poison a Sea Cucumber, it will actually eject it’s entire digestive tract, and spend the next few days regenerating a new one.  Next time you’re contemplating suicide in the bathroom after a Tequila binge, give that a shot, it might work.)

The Future of Puke Porn

The future will be even more interesting, though—as usual, thanks to the US military.  Via the Danger Room:

The Navy is sinking money in a radio-frequency weapon that shoots an invisible wall-penetrating beam, making people so dizzy, they fall over. The company researching the device is touting it as a “Star Trek hand-held Phaser Weapon set on ‘Stun.’” But it looks like the thing could be set on “puke,” too. “Second order” effects on the radio-frequency beam include “extreme motion sickness” and vomit. Your tax dollars, hard at work.

In closing, I apologize to anyone who was nauseated by this horrific and totally un-nescessary article.  I hope we can wipe the slate clean and finish on a grace note with a little Bible wisdom.  Congregation, please turn to the Book of Proverbs, Chapter 26, Verse 11:

As a dog returneth to his vomit, so a fool returneth to his folly.

AMEN.

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