Humpjones

Dear Humpasaur: Worst Roomate Ever

Posted Sep 10, 2007 4 comments

The Question

I live with my ex-boyfriend in _____ for a year now after we’ve broken up. I need him to leave. My name is on the lease. He says he has the right to live here and won’t leave. On top of that, he’s turned into a full on junkie and spiraled out of control and is also bringing random people to my apartment. I’m worried for him but I can’t deal and I just want him out. I am also paranoid that someone is secretly doing a reality docudrama about him and other junkies and that my apartment has been bugged with cameras...or something else really shady is going on. Whats my question… um what the holy heck do I do to get this situation less insane for me without making huge drama involving law enforcement?

The Answer

Odds are pretty strong that law enforcement will get involved, but I would recommend enlisting older brothers, or large male friends, or drunk uncles with guns, in order to eject him from the house.  It’s completely illegal for me to recommend that, and probably irresponsible, too.  If you’ve made it clear you want him out, he has to leave.  It’s common courtesy on his part to respect that, and if he’s not respecting you, that calls for re-education.  He needs to go do heroin somewhere else.

As long as I’m testing the legal limits of blunt honesty, you could also enlist him in rehabilitation programs against his will.  There’s a number of them in your area, and if you want links to them, you can send me an email—no need to reply here.  You could also call the Addiction Interventions Hotline, which is 800-561-8158.

The reason I think that the police might wind up involved is this: after you eject him from the house, no matter how generous of a parachute you give him, he will probably attempt to get back in at some point.  Even if you don’t call the police, there’s a chance the neighbors will.

Two years ago, I would have assumed you were paranoid for suspecting hidden cameras in your own apartment, but I was just young and naive.  If you want to locate hidden cameras, there are devices and techniques that enable you to do that.  That link is to a good article by Marc Roessler that will give you all the information you need to get up to speed.

There are also handheld devices, and I asked a buddy of mine who’s a self-taught expert in the security field.  If you got $400 by any chance, here’s your best bet. More realistically, there’s the more concealable “Spy Finder” which is a little over $100.

Good luck, and let me know how it turns out.

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