Dear Humpasaur: To Bang or Not to Bang
Posted Sep 14, 2007 5 comments
The Question
This is probably far too conventional of a question, but here goes. My girlfriend and I have been in a relationship for almost a year now, and I love her. But she has low self-esteem, always taking it out on me by being too clingy. She gets mad at me when I want to hang out with my friends rather than spend time with her. She’s my first serious girlfriend, and sometimes I feel like I might be missing out on something else, like maybe our relationship isn’t that great, it just happens to be all I know.
I just met a very attractive Japanese study abroad student, who is obviously interested and who has given me her number. Should I pursue that at all? I would never want to hurt my girlfriend, but I’m curious about what I might be missing out on.
The Answer
This is a good opportunity to come clean: I am living, breathing, walking, talking proof that open relationships work. I’ve been with the same female for over five years now and we’re both free to boink whoever. We even talk about it. For some reason, that strikes a lot of people as insane, but I’m used to the fear and awe of Normals anyways. Adultery happens. You can either be honest about that, or you can lie to someone you claim to love. Cheers to monogamy, right?
Precisely because of this personal experience, I say go for it, my friend, absolutely go for it. I would not wish a normal relationship on anyone—anyone reading this, ever. If you’re bored it’s because you’re with the wrong person. Continue to explore. You say you’re curious about “what you’re missing out on,” so let me put it plainly: you’re missing out on every other woman alive on planet Earth right now. If that sounds interesting, I submit that it’s time for a change in your life.
I also have equally brutal news for Earth humans: you don’t get over self-esteem by having people help you out. You get over it by hitting rock bottom and getting over yourself. Yeah, that does suck—but I haven’t talked to anyone who got over anxiety easy. You’re either born naturally wild and free, and bless every one of you who that applies to, or you have to roll up your sleeves, lock yourself in the bathroom for a week, and drive out the demons. Our culture is a language virus, and it must be killed, not healed. You heal after It is dead.
But I talk a lot of shit, but let me be level with the youth of today, for at least a paragraph here. I’m not going to pretend that I was born this inherently hip and relaxed—having an open relationship took getting used to. I hear anal sex is the same way. It was also worth it, because once I confronted the source of my jealousy, it was petty monkey bullshit. I do not possess any human being on Earth, and I’m only 60-70% in control of my own flesh and blood to begin with.
HORNY ADOLESCENTS OF EARTH: you have the opportunity to grow up long before your parents. Always use a condom. Communicate honestly. Give people room to wig out. It’s not always your job to make it better. Look for people who are attractive instead of just hot. Be willing to meet new humans. That sort of thing.
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Comments
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1. Bling Finger on Sep 15, 2007 at 1:53 PM permalink
Get rid of her. If she can’t deal with your friends or at least deal with you being with your friends from time to time, then you don’t need her.
She’s clingy, because she needs to have her heart stepped on, Just do it and get it over with.
Change is good sometimes, especially if it’s your first “real” relationship, which is your case it doesn’t sound like the real thing anyway… If not for the lovely Japanese girl (and they really know how to treat a man) do it for yourself.
Oh and just so you know, you’re definitely going to have to get over some cultural hurdles with this Japanese girl, but don’t fret, just have open honest communication and you’ll be all set (and that goes for any relationship btw).
2. tron on Sep 18, 2007 at 4:09 PM permalink
Sure you wanna plow through the Jap’s thick bush?
3. Natalie Hill on Sep 19, 2007 at 3:37 AM permalink
Wow, some interesting advice so far. I’m 33, and was in a relationship with the same guy off and on for 15 years. We broke up, for the last time, two years ago. It’s been a damn-near impossible road, but I’m happy to say he and I are now friends. He has a new gal, and all is well. He and I even talk in detail to each other about our respective sex lives to gain advice. It’s awesome.
But I digress, sort of. My point is that I used to be absolutely 100% sure this guy was my honest to God soulmate. But this relationship was all I knew because he was my first real boyfriend. It’s good that you recognize you don’t have any experience to compare your current relationship to, and that it may not really be so great after all.
Uncle Hump gives a shout out to polyamory in his advice to you. I am a fan of polyamory as well (my ex and I practiced it and I still do), but I’m not sure if that’s what you were seeking advice on, is it? If your girlfriend gets jealous of you just hanging with your friends, then there’s pretty much 0% chance she’ll be down for having an open relationship with you. First and foremost, you should not cheat on your girlfriend. If she is already lacking in the self esteem department, there’s little worse you could do to/for her than be unfaithful and sexually dishonest. I happen to think that doing that can really fuck with a person’s soul.
You are going to have to take a risk here, but ultimately it’s going to be in the best interest of both you and your girlfriend. Communicate how you feel about her being jealous and clingy. If she continues to be unreasonable, I wholeheartedly suggest breaking up with her. Then connect with your new Japanese friend. But do be a man about the situation and do the honorable thing—don’t practice sexual dishonesty.
Uncle Hump, maybe you should do a column on polyamory? I hear all the kids are doin’ it. But seriously, I think it would be most educational.
4. Senator Knee Hi on Sep 19, 2007 at 3:14 PM permalink
Yeah yeah, I know there’s a difference between polygamy and polyamory, but this is a funny article. Thought it was appropriate.
http://www.slate.com/id/2174061/nav/tap3/
5. Humpasaur Jones on Sep 19, 2007 at 4:18 PM permalink
Good point, Natalie, I should have been much clearer that “Go for it” meant “break up with your present girlfriend”, and emphatically not “get with the japanese girl and stay in your unhappy relationship.”