Dear Humpasaur: Teenagers Getting Knocked Up
Posted Sep 20, 2007 9 comments
The Question
Hey humpy, is it despicable for a 19 or 20 year old girl to become pregnant? And a follow up, do you think that they can adequately raise a child? I live in TX and teenagers down here collect babies like they are fucking troll dolls or something.
The Answer
Depends on the teenager. As a general rule, I would not recommend that you get pregnant. Statistically speaking, the majority of people reading this do not have their shit together enough, emotionally, financially and mentally to raise a kid. However, I also have to consider another statistic: most of the people reading this site are regular readers of Hump Jones, which means they’re the smartest, toughest, fastest and best-looking sex machine primate killers in the Western World. So as you can imagine, I’m torn: it’s irresponsible of me to advocate dedicated breeding, but at the same time, you folks should be reproducing like crazy if the human race is gonna have a fighting chance.
As my brother Emperor Wu Di has explained to me, once you realize you’re going to have a kid, things take care of themselves. Not because God loves young couples, but because you absolutely have to get those things done. Based on what I’ve seen of my friends, he’s right. They simply decided they had to be ready, and in due time they were right. Nescessity is the mother of invention, and the reason you can’t figure out how to raise a kid is because you don’t have to yet.
Then again, maybe the reason you can’t figure out how to raise a kid is you’re fucking stupid. I’m not being rude, and I’m probably not talking about you personally, just being thorough: it is a reasonable hypothesis. There are a lot of people who fit that description in this world. They should not be having kids, but they do, and you know what? Things turn out fine.
I have to say, some of the most amoral, inherently empty, vicious scumfuckers I’ve ever met came from really nice parents. I’m not kidding: college educated, well-read, progressive and kind people, who managed to raise a Nuclear Asshole. I also have to say that nearly all of the humans I’ve met who truly amaze me, inspire me and blow me away came from backgrounds that don’t make sense. Trailer parks, real-deal inbreeding, manic depression and suicides, brutally abusive parents: and yet today they stand as examples of what a human can be.
What I’m saying is, you just can’t call it. The biggest thing I advocate, for anyone reading this: humans are mostly full of shit, but treat children with total respect. No matter whose children they are. All children are smarter than you, me, or anyone else with pubic hair on Earth. Give kids respect, give them open attention, and give them honest answers, even and especially if it will piss their parents off. Because honestly, fuck those parents, you don’t get the right to lie to your kids. You want to lie to yourself, fine, but your kid is actually not your property. (Nothing is actually your property, but that’s a whole other enchilada we can’t fit on this plate.)
I know women in the their 30s who are still not ready to have a child, I also know two girls who already run their entire household, taking care of two useless parents and several dependent siblings and managing bills. Neither one of them is out of high school yet. So overall, this question is basically a version of gun control: a gun is just a gun, but it’s an idiot thats really dangerous.
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Commenting is not available in this weblog entry.1. Bling Finger on Sep 20, 2007 at 3:01 PM permalink
I’m glad you realize that the majority of your readers are really, really ridiculously good looking.
Even that DJ, squid porn dude.
2. shawn on Sep 20, 2007 at 11:47 PM permalink
I live in florida at the moment and texas sounds very familiar; I now have to pre-empt my appraisals with an is-she-already-gettin-it statrep ; “ok, looks pretty hot, initiate bun-in-the-oven-check.... Negative, we are green for approach.” But i totally agree with mr humps conclusion; once you have a kid, i think socially and mentally but even biochemically you are changed, changed into a machine whose sole purpose is to ensure this childs survival. Mountains move, et cetera.
p.s. i totally have a thing for pregnant chicks. how bout an article on that man?
3. Soltron on Sep 21, 2007 at 1:13 AM permalink
Anyone have any numbers on how many women kill their babies shortly after giving birth?
4. Humpasaur on Sep 21, 2007 at 1:56 AM permalink
http://www.ojp.usdoj.gov/bjs/homicide/children.htm
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Infanticide#The_situation_in_China
http://www.childtrendsdatabank.org/indicators/72InfantHomicide.cfm
5. Phyllis on Sep 21, 2007 at 4:28 AM permalink
I had my son in 1987 when I was 19. I was a dumb little girl and scared out of my mind. My baby’s father was an alcoholic ten years my senior. I knew I was going to raise my baby alone after he beat me unconscious because I spentg the last of our money on diapers and not beer, and I became father and mother to him. I am not usually a fan of sports, but when he expressed an interest in football I was all for it. He was an angry boy, and that was a perfect outlet. As a result he never had any sort of problems with fighting or other criminal activity. I recognised that he needed to be indoctrinated into the world of men that I could not introduce him to. It was not possible for me to teach him some of the fucked up things about being male, and organised sports did it for me. OK, so he was the only player with pink hair who played black metal guitar and wrote beautiful short stories. But he was a bad ass player. In my case, it all ended well. WHen he graduated, he was named All Central Texas Tight End. He is in college now, not playing football, but making the most out of a very hard l\childhood.
6. johnbonbone on Sep 21, 2007 at 4:32 AM permalink
If you can’t handle the repercussions, don’t make the move...i.e. don’t do the crime, if you can’t do the time. Babies making babies has and will never make sense, that doesn’t make it bad, just dangerous.
7. Rob on Sep 21, 2007 at 8:20 AM permalink
Nature decides when women are able to have children, but does that make them ready? Are men fit to be fathers as soon as they can shoot a load?
8. hybrid on Sep 21, 2007 at 3:17 PM permalink
genesis began with insest
imbreeding cats are making a new breed with thumbs, my cat had 8 fingers on each hand with two fingers split to the side making a thumb. he could grab things and pick them up and he could wrap his hand around my finger.
I got 3 kids of my own
it started whan i was a teenager.
9. Themikenesedude on Sep 21, 2007 at 11:01 PM permalink
Don’t have kids if you are Evil.... If you’re a serial killer or a land developer I’d say just say no to having kids…