Humpjones

Dear Humpasaur: August 2007 Roundup

Posted Aug 27, 2007 5 comments

For this first installment of “Dear Humpasaur,” I’m only using a fraction of what’s been submitted.  It would appear the majority of “questions” are basically drunken rants aimed at me, and I’ve only read through the entertaining ones.  There’s actually been vanishingly few serious and interesting questions.  There’s also been more than a few perfectly great questions that I haven’t gotten around to answering yet.  Those answers will cum.

In the meantime, let’s wrap up August—which has been a sweaty, drunken, paranoid smear of a month—with some clarity and some closure.  We’re going to address some serious, intelligent topics and treat them with the dignity these issues demand.  Let’s begin:

1. Is it actually possible to fuck yourself in the ass?

As it turns out, yes, it is.  I have photographic proof, if you’re interested in seeing something that will stick with you for the rest of your life: click here. The technique is tricky, and involves having your wang only partially erect—similar to the “soft entry” trick that some hetero couples have tried out.  I would also point out that it looks excessively uncomfortable and leave it at that.

2. Do women really have orgasms?

Wow, sounds like you’ve got a pretty boring sex life! I would answer with an unqualifed “DUH”—the existence of female orgasm is disputed by nobody in this day and age, except for guys who are too lazy to put in some work.  Biologists often describe the female orgasm as a “potential”—since it’s based on the same tissue and muscles as a male orgasm.  Basically, women have orgams for the same reason men have nipples: because reproduction is so important to the human species it’s built in redundantly.

If you don’t already know—for the first 8 weeks of your life, you were a hermaphrodite uni-sex freak.  We all were, it’s nothing personal.  To make extra sure that women can lactate and men can ejaculate, the human embryo, no matter what gender it grows up to be, gets both lactation and ejaculation built in.  I realize this illustration is aesthetically repulsive and hard to read, but it’s the best illustration I could find, too:

Also check out the excellent Elisabeth Lloyd paper, “Bias in Evolutionary Explanations of Women’s Sexuality,” which is a goldmine of good science info.  I’ll quote some highlights to mop this one up:

The tissues involved in orgasm in males and females are very similar. These include: nerve tissues involved in sensing stimulation and excitement; erectile tissues, i.e., sponge-like tissues that can become engorged with blood and stretched during sexual excitement; and muscle fibers, which are distributed in various locations in the pelvic floor of both sexes and are involved in orgasmic contractions.

There are other reasons to believe that the erectile and nervous tissue involved in both male and female sexual excitement and orgasm has a common embryological origin. For instance, the time between the beginning orgasmic contractions in each sex is 0.8 seconds. This suggests a common neurological foundation for the reflex stimulating the muscular contractions in each sex.

Gebhard notes that the “most common masturbation technique is the manual stimulation of the clitoris and the small lips of the vulva,” which accounts for 84% of all acts of masturbation among the women the Kinsey team surveyed. Less than one fifth of women masturbate by inserting an object or fingers into the vagina, and nearly all of those who do accompany the action with clitoral stimulation. As Kinsey himself noted, women almost never masturbate solely by inserting something into the vagina, in imitation of the act of intercourse.

3. When is Your Album Coming Out?

Uh....soon?  That’s an excellent question.  You can listen to the latest material over on MySpace, but there’s so many Humpasaur Jones projects going on that it’s hard to call what’s getting released when.  Will the 8-track get released before the CD?  Will the photovinyl ever come out at all?  ...and how about the companion DVD to Human Sexuality For Filthy Apes? All of this will be clarified during the next pilgrimage to Liquid Wet Studios.  We’ll sit down with some Kratom and lay everything out for real.  Then I’ll announce the answer to this question.  Honest.

4. Are you familiar with the concept of “fact-checking” or testing a hypothesis?

OH HO! Sarcasm, that’s dope, I love that.  So few people are doing sarcasm these days, it’s always really refreshing to see some. 

I’ll assume you’re implying that I just get stoned and write this stuff up.  You’re 100% correct.  I don’t know how many researchers have caught on to this yet, but once you abandon any sense of shame, or pathological need for the dignity of being “an expert,” you can outsource all of your writing work to unpaid volunteers. The Internets are overflowing with people who are desperate to tell you exactly why and how you’re wrong—use that to your advantage.

Of course I just get stoned and make shit up—what sets me apart from the dude who hangs out on your campus and sells mushrooms is the fact I’m actually right just barely 51% of the time.  This is psychic dowsing, and when I hit gold—such as the Toxoplasmosis nightmare—it more than justifies the hundreds of consecutive misses.  Expect more of the same—I will be floating a lot of completely unhinged ideas in the months to come.

It’s a win-win-win situation, though, don’t make me out to be some sort of monster.  The critics get to exercise their critical thinking abilities—witness the last post on The Third Nostril where the arguments against my thesis were way more informative and well-constructed than my thesis itself.  I get to find out, quickly and with minimal effort, where the holes in my theory are located.  And the real winner is english-speaking young people all over the world, when my book comes out and provides them with all the answers they need to take over the planet, obliterate poverty and opression, and have great sex the whole time.

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