Humpjones

Caged Monkey Sex on a Small Blue Planet

Posted Nov 09, 2007 10 comments

So clearly, I failed to communicate last time around.  The article was called “UFOs Land in Arizona, Sex Orgy Ensues.” Maybe I was drawing a little too heavily from “weirdo” documents—all of which came from the US federal government—maybe I just didn’t get the point across.  Maybe I’m taking too long to set things up, so let me be blunt.

Humans live in captivity. You, me, the people we know, and everyone else. It would appear that they are held in captivity by other humans, but some critics, like John Keel and Carlos Castenada, disagree with me.  So did Charles Fort: “The Earth is a farm. We are someone else’s property.”

If you can’t handle UFOs with your sex, folks, you’re definitely in the wrong decade and I don’t even have the heart to explain what the Space Brothers will do to you.  You’re also at the wrong website, at least for the next few weeks, because “alien sex” is a running theme I’m going to lubricate, stimulate and occasionally milk.

Prove It, Stoopid

The social contract is lie.  Nobody consulted any of us about what nation we were born in, who our parents were, what their religion was, anything.  Democracy is a joke.  (Actually, a gang bang.)

Look, “social conditioning” is not something that only paranoids talk about.  It’s increasingly recognized as a serious liability by professional people who work in high-responsibility areas.  One of the most fascinating tentacles of Psychology is devoted to the study of how our social conditioning impairs our decision-making abilities—it’s called ”Cognitive Bias” and it’s the single best tool for DIY self-awareness training you can find this side of Yoga. 

The hardest thing to do is get outside of your own head.  Let’s not discuss mere politics: just imagine yourself moving straight up out of your chair for around 10 vertical miles.  This is the best perspective to actually see the structure and mechanics of human surface culture, and not coincidentally, it’s also the UFO-eye view, although I’ll be leaving the Greys alone for this article.  Simple questions: are there limits on human behavior?  Are humans compelled and coerced into behavior and situations they don’t nescessarily desire to be in?  Are there forbidden zones and mandatory actions?

There is a very strange myth about the United States of America being a “free country” and it seems to have corrupted a lot of people’s thinking.  There are many, many limits on your behavior.  I’m not just talking about laws—those are the new ones that aren’t embedded yet.  Most of our limits we’re never even consciously aware of, it’s just the background pulse of our culture, bringing all our brains into sync.  People walk around pissed off and unhappy all day long—do you stop them ask them what’s wrong?  Do you offer to help?  No, because this is normal background noise.  We’re surrounded by aggressive, sullen and confused people who are charging up for any opportunity to unload negativity and hate unto the foreheads of some random stranger.  But of course, nothing’s really random, especially here in prison.

The Effects of Captivity on Human and Non-Human Animals

Noise, restraint, isolation, pain, psychological distress, overcrowding, regrouping, separation from mothers, sleeplessness, hypersexuality, surgery and anaesthesia can all increase mortality, contact sensitivity, tumour susceptibility and metastatic spread, as well as decrease viral resistance and immune response.

Captivity fucks animals up.  I know I’m supposed to be a sex scientist, but that’s more honest than any clinical description I could offer you.  It fucks animals up, it wears down the adrenaline gland, increases the sex drive but reduces stamina and energy, and increases bizarre ritual behavior that’s usually either highly aggressive or self-destructive. 

Do you know what a Fnord is?  It’s something you learn that you can never unlearn, and it changes your perspective forever. I sometimes think of Fnords as the invisible bars of the prison planet.  They’re often simple facts we don’t fully consider the implications of. Like last year’s scientific study indicating that men who are exposed to images of hot naked women have a harder time making rational decisions.  That’s the most obvious thing in the world, right?  We needed a scientific study to tell us that?

Well, yeah, we did, because now it’s been tested enough to be a fact, instead of common sense.  Common sense is what tells you “A picture is worth a thousand words,” when in fact 99% of all English readers sub-vocalize when they read words, and all advertising and persuasion experts know that ad copy is more important than your images. Most of the best ones don’t even bother with images.  You know why?  There’s only about 5 images you’d be using anyways.  One of them is a smiling, wealthy man. One of them is hot naked women. Look around a bar and there’s Budweiser models fellating bottles everywhere.  Walk past any magazine rack and there’s hot naked women just begging for your rock hard, throbbing $4.99 plus tax.

Nothing is random here in prison.  Our environment is not an accident. 

Devo Was So Totally Right

I tried to avoid morality for 10 years straight and it finally caught up with me.  I was sitting on a friend’s back porch, thinking about William S. Burroughs and how disgusted he must have been when he died, watching two more generations roll over and play dead before any shots were even fired.  I was watching a group of middle-school aged kids beat up on someone smaller and slower when I realized I was watching a group of kids beating another kid up.  While I was sprinting down the stairs, it dawned on me that I need to stop reading and thinking for about 10 years.  Lately, everything makes less sense, and everything is more detailed and beautiful. 

You do need morality, not to impose on other people, but just as an internal compass.  We never really know what’s going on, but it’s important to have good foundations for guesswork.  Here’s the Humpasaur Jones System of Ethics for a Prison Planet:

1) You’re either helping people escape or you’re keeping them in. I used to hate simple, polarized statements like that, because life and the universe is a huge open-ended game with unlimited options every single second.  However, captivity imposes a structure over our lives wether we like it or not.  I’m not advocating killing prison guards, unless they’re serious little peckers, and even then, at least have the common decency to make sure you get away with it.  I am serious, though: if you’re not actively helping people escape, then your mute obedience is directly giving power to the prison system.  We all need to work together to keep those fuckers on their toes.

2) You’re always being monitored. So, accept that and monitor yourself.  Do the people who watch over you understand your behavior better than you?  Do you take advantage of self-surveillance and use it to observe yourself, and adjust your patterns and routines to be more efficient and effective?  Are you comfortable with nudity?  If not, why not, are you mentally retarded or something?  We were all born that way—no, really—and it’s cool.  Are you comfortable with performing?  Because you’re always doing it whether you like it or not.  I would suggest learning to like it, and do it well.

3) The worst they can do is kill you. The great thing about death is that there’s really nothing worse that could happen to you, and once it happens, it can never happen again.  Better yet, once you die, you’re no longer in a position to be bummed about the fact you died.  The situation in 2007 is already fucked beyond the point of no return.  We’re not saving the world, we’re not going to improve things, we’re not going to beat the machine.  We’re going to save ourselves, we’re going to minimize damage where we can, and we’re going to watch the machine collapse and eat itself. 

And me?  I’m going to go have breakfast.  A lot of the inmates bitch about it, but actually, the food here is really good.

Filed in: The War on Sex

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