An Honest Argument Against Sex

Posted Mar 23, 2007 11 comments

One hundred years ago, alchemists drew up plans for rudimentary adding machines and number processors—now people carry thousands of albums in small plastic boxes and listen to them whenever they want.  Humans only learned to control electricity around 100 years ago—and we still don’t even know exactly what electricity is

Now, take a few seconds to pause and consider the same acceleration of complexity, only applied to the wacky world of sexually transmitted diseases.

This may or may not be inspired by some insanely potent marijuana and the Korean horror comedy philosophy movie The Host.  America has some decent artists in film, but the rest of the Earth, being mostly more civilized then us, are kicking our ass at making movies.  Just like they kick our ass at providing real security, real freedom and real democracies.

But We All Taste The Same

skin mite dust eyelash...and this movie is real weird.  Did you know mites are part of the arachnid family?  So are ticks. 

Have you ever been on some serious drugs and suddenly realized you were covered with bugs?  Here’s the horrible thing: you were right. We are covered with bugs, we’re just not aware of that most of the time, since we’re not generally mixing crack and acid and walking around someone else’s apartment naked. 

Think about it, bed mites have one mission and one mission only, they are intent on eating you alive every single night that you crawl into bed to go to sleep. And their plan is foiled every single morning when your alarm wakes you up because God, in his infinite wisdom, cursed them with mouths too small to feasilbly consume all of you in an eight hour peroid.  But don’t believe for a second that they aren’t trying. Because they are.

I realize I was just talking about a movie and all, but are you aware of how many microbiologists have died in the past few years?  Just a thought, though. 

How much evidence does it take to bridge the gap between paranoia and perfectly rational concern?  Have you heard the joke about how AIDS was man-made?  It’s a hoot.  There’s people who think that, just because a guy from the Department of Defense went before congress in 1969 and requested $10 million dollars “to develop, within 5 to 10 years, a synthetic biological agent to which no natural immunity exists,”—and just because his request was granted and the program was started at Fort Dietrick in Maryland—and just because Fort Dietrick was also the home of VISNA, a fatal sheep virus developed for human use, and HTLV, or Human T-Cell Leukemia Virus, which was developed in the 70s to kill people by comprimising and destroying their immune system—and just because HIV is structurally most similiar to VISNA and HTLV—based on these random and clearly unrelated threads, people really believe AIDS is a man-made bioweapon. 

As a great woman once pointed out, there is no proof—there is only evidence.  I could also mention how all the early cases of AIDS surfaced in New York, Los Angeles and San Francisco, in gay men...then try to relate that random factoid to the Center for Disease Control testing an experimental Hepatitis B Vaccine in gay men from New York, Los Angeles and San Francisco back in 1978.  It is it insane to think like this? Are there people who have the means and motive to design a virus to reduce the population of human beings on Earth?

...And None of it Even Matters.

future of luh-huh-huuuveAre you a musican?  Do you think you’re the hot next shit?  Yeah...that’s called adolescence.  You will eventually get over it.  None of us really do it willingly, the Universe just gets you pinned in a really uncomfortable position and you’re finally like “yeah ow dammit alright dude you got me what the fuck” and tap out.  Later on this is called wisdom, it’s unclear if that’s because people get old and lazy or old and wise

After all, this conspiracy nightmare train of thought doesn’t go anywhere.  You just wind up castrating yourself—and if there’s anything you truly need, buddy, it’s the ability to shoot large, assertive loads of Hope pretty much every day of your life. 

Because in this case, even if the paranoid path is the right one—so what? What are you gonna do about it?  What solace will it give you, as you shiver on the bathroom floor, sobbing and moaning as your flesh peels off onto the tiling?  Will you really feel any better at that moment knowing the history behind the Demon Virus sweeping through your already-rotting body?

Beer: Still Cheaper than Prozac

passed out party drunk woman toiletAND HERE WE ARE, on the edge of that same abyss we always come to.  And here I am, advocating drug abuse once again. Of course, that’s not safe either—for those of us who remember Project Coast, we’re burdened with the knowledge that even back in the early 80s, there was a team of perfectly rational and sane scientists who were discussing putting sterilization drugs into beer and malt liqour and selling it in all-black neighborhoods. 

Would the world be a better place with 5 billion less people?  Here’s a better question—would the world be a better place if we rounded up and killed 100,000 rich white men?  You know, just asking. It seems like a lot less work, and the benefits would be probably be much greater for the species as a whole.  Not that I’m not racist or anything, I just think white people are inherently vicious and evil.

1935 The Pellagra Incident. After millions of individuals die from Pellagra over a span of two decades, the U.S. Public Health Service finally acts to stem the disease. The director of the agency admits it had known for at least 20 years that Pellagra is caused by a niacin deficiency but failed to act since most of the deaths occured within poverty-striken black populations.

I recently did an article on how to stop masturbating forever, and I got a lot of negative emails about that one—yeah, WHATEVER YOU DO, DON’T GET THE JOKE.  So here at the end of this grim little rant, I just want to spell it out clearly: I’m not really arguing against sex, just like I’m not really arguing that you should stop drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon even though it’s laced with drugs to make you stupid and blow your load way, way too early.  All I’m really saying is—so what?  We were stupid anyway. 

It’s just something to think about while you’re sipping on a vodka tonic and watching the sun come up, you know? 

Show a friend who believes governments are necessary this copy of title 50 of the United States Code, section 1520.  This law authorizes the Department of Defense to conduct chemical and biological warfare experiments on “civilian populations”.  You’ll notice there is nothing in there about about informing the “civilian population” and getting their consent.  While the only ones “notified” are “local civilian officials”, there is nothing about getting consent first.

No, really—read for yourself here.  Then go here.  Then go get some beer, cuz you earned it.

Filed in: Sex Science

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  • 1. Vertonia on Mar 23, 2007 at 6:08 PM permalink

    I adore your articles. Thanks for being so brilliant and sharing it with those who desire verbal ecstasy. ~V~

  • 2. Sage on Mar 23, 2007 at 6:19 PM permalink

    *cough*Robert Gallo*cough*

  • 3. Assassin Priest on Mar 23, 2007 at 7:36 PM permalink

    A toast to the parasitic host who is far too verbose in the land of the comatosed

  • 4. dirty on Mar 23, 2007 at 10:58 PM permalink

    it’s old and lazy....and i KNEW it was the pabst

  • 5. Adam on Mar 24, 2007 at 12:37 AM permalink

    this was a good article ...all your articles are pretty good ...i like this website

  • 6. hames on Mar 24, 2007 at 5:15 AM permalink

    "since we’re not generally mixing crack and acid and walking around someone else’s apartment naked”

    lmao.  hope thats based on a true story!

  • 7. archibald p. teuthis, esq. on Mar 24, 2007 at 6:32 AM permalink

    was this a brainsturbator article or a humpjones article you bipolar schizophrenic jerk?

  • 8. Senator Knee Hi on Mar 24, 2007 at 8:01 AM permalink

    Amen Archie.

  • 9. Humpasaur Jones on Mar 24, 2007 at 11:52 AM permalink

    Way too short and psychotic to be a Brainsturbator post.

  • 10. Adriel on Mar 25, 2007 at 1:08 AM permalink

    I echo Vertonia’s sentiments.  Reading stuff like this is like mentally masturbating.

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