Humpjones

All Your Foreskin Are Belong To Us

Posted Jun 08, 2007 10 comments

By most estimates, 85% of the US male population is circumcized.  That adds up to about 126 million guys, and I’m laughing at every single one of them.  I’m eternally grateful to my father for refusing to allow the quacks at Copley Hospital to lop off the tip of my dick.  I find myself wondering, just like millions of other men around the world, what the reasoning behind circumcision could possibly be ...see, I can’t tell if it’s insanely sadistic or just cosmically retarded.

Who Thinks This Shit Up?

Although wikipedia is mostly a wasteland of common sense and whitewash, it’s good for occasional gems...and surely, this is one of them:

It has been variously proposed that male circumcision began as a religious sacrifice, as a rite of passage marking a boy’s entrance into adulthood, as a form of sympathetic magic to ensure virility, as a means of suppressing sexual pleasure, as an aid to hygiene where regular bathing was impractical, as a means of marking those of lower (or higher) social status, as a means of differentiating a circumcising group from their non-circumcising neighbors, as a means of discouraging masturbation or other socially proscribed sexual behaviors, to increase a man’s attractiveness to women, as a symbolic castration, as a demonstration of one’s ability to endure pain, or as a male counterpart to menstruation or the breaking of the hymen.

Well boy howdy, that just about covers it.  Although...they omitted my theory that inflicting horrible pain on newborn infants is a psychic food source for the same invisible monsters that have been feeding off mankind for thousands of years now, creating our religions and lying to our psychics.  Fortunately, I’m not too attached to that theory, having learned there’s no money in telling people the truth.

Jesus Had a Forskin, Too

I’m willing to bet a number of Hump Jones readers are already familiar with the Holy Prepuce—which is the polite name of the Foreskin of Christ.  Catholics have an utterly disturbed fascination with bodily relics—the Head of John the Baptist, limbs of various Saints and the weapons used to kill them—but with Jesus, they found themselves in a bit of a pickle.  Essential to the myth of Christianity is maintaining the legend of Christ bodily ascending to Heaven, so having any Sacred Leftovers would be unthinkable.  No matter how great the tourist attraction, it would also ruin the whole gig. 

It took over a thousand years for some enterprising monk to hit upon a solution—after all, Jesus Christ was Jewish, so he would have been circumsized at birth!  Of course, only a Catholic would be blind enough to think anyone actually had The Real Deal...especially since over a dozen churches have all claimed to have The Real Deal...but that’s what the Catholic Faith is all about.  I won’t waste my time on contempt for the hollow corpse of the Vatican’s Empire, they’re just a punchline these days....

....BUT WHAT A PUNCHLINE!  The Holy Prepuce was the hot tourist destination of the 1500’s.  The Pope himself decreed that any pilgrim visiting the wrinkled relic would recieve a ten year indulgence.  I’m no expert, but that would appear to mean that a full decade of rape, murder, and theft could be washed away just by making the trek to see the savior’s foreskin.  If you’re interested in recieving an indulgence of your own, check out this site, where you can get some for free (no joke).

After a few centuries of that, the snickering of thinking people was growing so loud they could even hear it in Rome.  Finally, in 1900, the Vatican announced that anyone who even wrote or spoke about the Holy Prepuce would be excommunicated.  Touchy dudes in funny hats, or the greatest humanitarians on Earth?  YOU DECIDE.

Regenerating Foreskins—Really.

Apparently, even if you were circumcised decades ago, it’s still not too late.  The foreskin can be regrown with the aid of tools like MySkinClamp—and I’m not making this up.  (For surreal and vaguely scary photo instructions, click here.) Of course, what grows back is essentially scar tissue—nerve-dead but still useful as natural ribbing.  In the long run, perhaps the savings on regular vs. ribbed condoms will pay for the cost of the clamp itself?

I found that one through the magic of Google Ads—yet another source of online income, I know.  Is Hump Jones turning into a mere Get Rich Quick Blog?  On the other hand, what kind of hippie could have a problem with getting rich, quick?  On the other other hand, do we really have to call these things “blogs”?  That sounds like another name for “turd,” doesn’t it? 

I won’t answer those questions today, but I will thank everyone for being patient through the long hiatus.  The reason is really simple: I stopped getting high.  It’s summertime, though, and all that has finally changed.  Expect Hump Jones to get moving at the same unholy velocity you knew and loved.  More on circumcision tomorrow—it’s an amazingly fertile topic. In closing, here’s a handful of foreskins for you to chew on (hideously enough, they’re made of chocolate). 

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