Humpjones

ABC News Rips Off Hump Jones YET AGAIN

Posted Jun 12, 2007 4 comments

Last time I was on VH1, I had some tightly wound intern ask me if I “took myself seriously as a journalist.” It reminded me of when Charlie Rose kept insisting on calling me a “blogger” instead of admitting I was the finest author of this or any other generation. Look, folks—I’m just a humble creative genius, and I don’t want to deal with the baggage of your primate labels.  I never asked to be a journalist, it just comes naturally.  Beneath this beard waits a chin that even Peter Jennings and Dan Rather would bow down to.  (Tom Brokaw could not be reached for comment.)

Welcome to the New Media—it used to be that big networks like ABC projected The News at We, the serfs and peasants.  These days, they steal it from us. Remember my article from June 6th, that was published on June 6th, where I discussed the fact couples making their own porn and putting it up online was increasingly slowing online growth of the “Adult Insdustry”?  That was back on June 6th.

Yesterday on June 11th, lo and behold, ABC poached my headline yet again.  “DIY Porn is Killing the Adult Industry? HELL YEAH” was scrubbed down to the more palatable but structurally identical “Free Porn Threatens Adult Film Industry”.  Bear witness:

VENGANCE IS MINE, MARCUS BARAM

The author/thief is listed as Marcus Baram, and as it turns out, for guy with sticky fingers and no professional ethics, he’s a pretty cool customer.  He’s just a dumb young kid with good intentions, trying to make it in this topsy-turvy world, looking for a place to call his own.  All we ever wanted was to come in from the cold.

VENGANCE IS MINE, BILL O’REILLY

The FBI came in and warned me and a few other people at FOX News that Al Qaeda had us on a death list.

Peope don’t realize that every single day, Bill O’Reilly has his nuts dangling over the line.  He stands there, naked and vulnerable, yet his courage and his convictions make those gently quivering man-eggs into the Hardest Hard Target since Jean-Claude Seagal Norris made love to Pam Grier.  Bill puts those aging testicles over the line because he is taunting the enemy, daring them to lash out at him and make Their Last Mistake.  The point I’m trying to get across here is that Bill O’Reilly is way too Man for fear, especially fear of Al Qaeda.

Especially since he made that bullshit up.

There is a connection here, and this is it:

Marcus Baram recently investigated Bill’s revelation and found it to be a steaming puddle of bullshit.  When he actually asked the FBI, they were just confused: “I’m not aware of any FBI agents warning anyone at FOX News of their presence on any list.  For that matter, I’m not aware of any Al Qaeda hit list targeting journalists.” Of course, that’s a nameless FBI agent quote—so perhaps Baram just made that up.  It never hurts to be paranoid in this business, especially since my FBI contacts indicate Baram is a deep cover agent for dreaded Latin American dictator Hugo Chavez.

I know I’m supposed to be wreaking my terrible vengance and all, but I can’t resist one more Bill quote:

“I’ll tell you what. I’ve been in combat. I’ve seen it, I’ve been close to it… and if my unit is danger, and I’ve got a captured guy, and the guy knows where the enemy is, and I’m looking him in the eye, the guy better tell me. That’s all I’m gonna tell you. The guy better tell me. If it’s life or death, he’s going first.”

Okay, Marcus Baram did a good job.

Now that I’ve finished my superjoint ritual, I’ve mellowed out enough to admit it: Marcus did a much better article than mine. So to apologize for over-reacting, I’m going to steal all the best quotes and publish them here:

“The DVD market is a battle that we’re losing,” says Drew Rosenfeld, the creative director of Hustler Video Group. “Looking back historically, we’re at less than half in numbers. Even a line like Barely Legal, which is our hero brand, used to be off the charts and it’s gone down to a third of what it used to be a few years ago.”

See, it never dawned on me to call Drew, even though I fished him out of a hot tub the last time we hung out and basically saved his life.  Maybe it’s time to admit I just don’t think like a journalist.

You can read the rest of Marcus Baram’s excellent (and STOLEN) article right here.

Filed in: The War on Sex

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