Humpjones

300: The Hottest Gay Porno Of All Time

Posted Mar 25, 2007 8 comments

There’s been a lot of bitchery and complainifying about how the recent film 300 is some sort of pro-war propaganda.  There’s even people over in Iran making Big Grumpyface over this movie—and sure enough, the mythos of brave AND WHITE Spartans taking on the rest of the world to defend their Homeland Security has been catching on big.  And I gotta say: I am all for it.

If right-wing America wants to adopt Spartan culture as a model for America’s War on Terror, that is the funniest shit ever. Plain and simple.  If you gave me five years and $50 million dollars, I seriously doubt I could sabotage the Neo-Conservative agenda more completely than that.  They might as well be holding press conferences about how NAMBLA is a bunch of great guys who are just really misunderstood.

Monkey See, Monkey Make Connections

Obviously, inevitably, hilariously, tragically, you just know that someone was going to have to take the bait.  I think it was McLuhan who said something like “faced with information overload, we have no alternative but pattern-recognition.” Here’s one example of thousands:

The movie 300 has lessons for us who chose to support the war on terror.

A brave leader, without allies (his only ally at first fought with him valiantly and then left the battlefield early), chose to defend freedom from monsters who loved only death and tyranny. Does this sound familiar?

The parallels in this movie to the global war on terror and its primary theatre in Iraq are telling, and they reveal that the more obstacles a leader must overcome, the more heroic his eventual victory will be.

Thank you, President Bush, Spartan.

No, really, check the link—I did not make that up.  Apparently all of these people walked out in the middle of the movie and missed the part where everyone gets killed.  Humans need to worship heroes, even if they’re over-priveleged former cheerleaders.  We see what we want to see, always. 

The Mighty Warrior Culture of Homo Pedophiles

To most moviegoers, “300” may or may not evoke the Clash of Civilizations, but it certainly is popular among young American men. The R-rated film grossed more than $70 million its opening weekend, the biggest March debut ever. The majority of the audience was under 25 (though there were a surprising number of older viewers). They were probably not drawn by their interest in classical Greece.

So why do I think that a generation of frat boys falling in love with Sparta is some of the funniest shit I have ever seen? Let’s start with a vocab word: ”Pederasty.” 300 opens with a montage scene explaining the typical Spartan childhood, with themes of eugenics (weak babies left to die on a mountain) and the trial by fire initiation into manhood, where young boys are sent into the woods to kill slaves and hunt for food—or die.  It’s very exciting and heavy stuff, and it also completely ignores everything that happens in between coming back alive and becoming a Spartan warrior.

There’s a very good reason for that, too.

The Spartans believed that the love of an older, accomplished aristocrat for an adolescent boy was essential to his formation as a free citizen. The education of the ruling class was thus founded on pederastic relationships, required of each citizen. The ephors [gov’t officials] fined any eligible man who did not love a boy, because, despite his own excellence, he failed to make a beloved “similar to himself.” Likewise, for a boy it was a disgrace to not find a lover. By the time they reached the age of twelve “there was not any of the more hopeful boys who did not have a lover to bear him company.”

I have a lot of theories, being something of a pothead, but I believe none of them.  So I’ll bypass any earnest armchair psychology and just ask—are we living in a culture run by repressed homosexuals? After a generation of Rambo and Jean-Claude Van Damme and Chuck Norris and all these gorgeous hunks running around with their pecs glistening, killing thousands of Ethnic Villians, what kind of imprint does that leave?  It is truly possible to worship those heroes and still hate faggots?  I’m beginning to think it’s not—and this attraction/repulsion, which is built into several generations of Stupid White Alcoholics, might be the foundation that a lot of other programming is built upon.

The spectre of homosexuality has always stalked the military more than any other human institution.  Now that it’s been going on in every culture for a few thousand years, I think we can go out on a limb and say that’s probably not accidental.

Professionally Offended

Iran on Monday strongly condemned the US film company Warner Bros. over the allegedly “anti-Iranian” blockbuster film 300.

Javad Shamqadri, art advisor to President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, told Fars news agency that the film was an insult to Persian culture and in line with the American “psychological war” against Iran.

A few years ago I would have been amazed, downright flabbergasted, that even with all the discussion surrounding this film, nobody has brought up the fact Spartan culture was based on the sacred relationship between grown men and little boys.  It’s been a very educational few years, though.  My most recent blow to sanity was the flap over the Aqua Teen Hunger Force terrorist attack on Boston—to me, in my crazy and naive youth, I would have thought that the Boston Police would be an international laughing stock and offer blushing apologies for shutting down an entire city over an obvious prank, one that had been going on in plain sight for weeks before they even noticed, and the United States would slide a little further down the slope towards official Third World status.

Instead, they got to act outraged and heroic, and wound up getting paid millions by Turner Communications.  They should have been fired, and instead they got a bunch of fancy new equipment to fuck up with.  So be it—rather than a gradual slide, apparently we’ve decided to turn around and just run straight down that slope.  It’s crazy, it’s stupid, but it’s the Spartan thing to do.

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