Humpjones

2008 Growth Industry: Freelance Exorcism Services

Posted Jan 03, 2008 69 comments

Ratzinger Option How can any self-respecting, honest and proud American patriot hate on a Faith-Based Free Market Solution? That’s my question to you, the overwhelmingly weak liberal readers of Hump Jones dot com. It’s been stated clearly and repeatedly since the beginning of the Global War on Terror (aka The GWOT) this this is Jehovah vs. Allah: Smackdown in the Desert, but that’s a gross over-simplification. It’s obviously way more complex than that, including overtones of Jerry Bruckheimer Presents World War Three, Starring Will Smith and Kiefer Sutherland. But I don’t want to get too political or theoretical, here.

Hump Jones Police Report Remix

This is all from an actual report, I just re-arranged it for narrative clarity:

According to the police report, Varemond had asked his girlfriend and his mother, Anne Marie Saget, to pray with him.

When they started to pray, Lagrandeur noticed Varemond “change,” she told police. He locked the doors and jumped on Lagrandeur and started biting her on her back and beating her head with the iron.

Varemond says he hit his sister in the head with an iron so he could release the demons that he said were inside of her. When his 80-year-old mother intervened and tried to stop him, he allegedly bit off her fingertip and started pulling his own teeth out, a police report said.

On Sunday, police kicked down a bedroom door to find Varemond, 44, straddling his girlfriend, Yolette Lagrandeur, 33, a Haitian recording artist and AIDS activist. A Delray Beach police officer drew his gun and ordered Varemond to put his hands in the air, and officers tried to stun him three times with a Taser, only to have the device malfunction each time.

He was taken to the Palm Beach County Jail on charges of attempted homicide, battery, false imprisonment and resisting arrest with violence…

All bounty hunters get caught, eventually. All pirates get busted at least once. The Key Question for 2008 is twofold:

1) How much have they already fucked us?

I walk up to you in a bar, visibly drunk. You know, vithiblee drunkh. I say to you: “The Roman Catholic Church has vowed to ‘fight the Devil head-on’ by training hundreds of priests as exorcists.” Do you think I’m channeling some visionary bullshit, or quoting from a recent newpaper article? Like I have to keep reminding myself: we live in post-reality now, so get used to weirdness. Increase your signal tolerance.

2) How much can we get away with?

As I’ve already mentioned in “Making Money off the War on Sex”, the Vatican has really a lot of money. It’s important to define a business plan, and you base a business plan on PAIN RELIEF. You identify the PAIN, and you provide the RELIEF. Here’s the suffering:

“Too many bishops are not taking this seriously and are not delegating their priests in the fight against the Devil. You have to hunt high and low for a proper, trained exorcist.”

Can you feel the pain or what?

Lauren and Mansfield chilling out

Easy Entry, Huge Opportunity

Check out how low the standards are and tell me you can’t round up just three friends to put in a solid week of amateur exorcism! This is not just an investment, this is a vacation! This is definitely the most promising career opportunity of 2008, as economic stress increases exponentially and perfectly normal people go completely insane. This is a growth market, and not everyone is sleeping on it: check out Joel Osteen, who’s doing mainstream positioning for a fundamentalist publicity stunt he’s going to pull in 2008.

“Fr Amorth added that Pope Benedict XVI wanted to reinstate use of the prayer said to St Michael the Archangel, believed to be the prime protector against evil.

He said: “The prayer is useful not only for priests but for lay people. For example if a lay person knows someone who is possessed and there is no exorcist available they can intervene by saying this prayer, commanding the demon to leave that person.”

That’s right, you read it—THIS MEANS YOU. Jump in on behalf of Lord Jesus, and the Vatican has got your back. Yeah, The Vatican, who control trillions in assets, have their own embassies, and make decisions for one sixth of the the world’s population.

So hey, the Prayer to St. Micheal the Archangel? Yeah, I got it right here. This is all you need. Memorize this, get a large bible (hint: save money, go to a church) and some cool-looking blunt objects. You can find crazy poor people anywhere. If they kill you, you probably deserved it. Welcome to the Kali Yuga!

Saint Michael the Archangel, defend us in battle.
Be our protection against the wickedness and snares of the devil.
May God rebuke him, we humbly pray; and do Thou, O Prince of the Heavenly Host -
by the Divine Power of God -
cast into hell, satan and all the evil spirits, who roam throughout the world seeking the ruin of souls.
Amen.

As a paranoid subtext, are you aware of military psychedelic weapons like BZ? Do you think that elements within the US government could be targeting people in the counterculture and driving them completely insane? Who the fuck bites off his mom’s finger? Who starts pulling out his own teeth? Was there more to Twelve Monkeys than I give it credit for? Are you healthy enough to survive a virus epidemic, this week? Can you visualize the steps it will take to get there?