Humpjones

Posted Aug 13, 2007 11 comments

Okay, so things got a little out of control.  Given my diet, which is heavy on marijuana and coffee, perhaps that was inevitable. 

When I was in high school, I did exactly two extra-curricular activities: soccer and acting.  I never stuck with either one, and I often rationalize that by blaming the coaches and the directors, but the flat reality is: I really sucked at both soccer and acting. I mention this for two reasons: one, so I could have an excuse to link back to the article on being kicked in the balls. Two, because Humpasaur Jones is—of course—first and foremost an act.

Nobody gives a fuck about economics.  Nobody should.  We either have enough money for beer, or we don’t.  The fact I was completely fuckin’ right is something we won’t dwell on.

Nobody gives a fuck about my bad moods.  Nobody should.  And I should know better than to hop on the damn computer when I feel like punching God in the face.  This might sounds suspiciously like an apology, but you’re insane for thinking I’d ever do that.  Instead, I’m just acknowledging that, in recent months, mistakes have been made.  Most of those mistakes are in the process of being wiped off the database.

Here is what you should expect in the immediate future from Hump Jones dot com: sex. There is absolutely nothing else you should ever expect from Hump Jones dot com in the future.  Well....except an interview with DJ Squid...but we’ll be mostly talking about sex, so my point remains.  We are going to be attacking the following issues:

1. The History of Human Sexuality

2. The Biology of Arousal

3. The Origin of Western Culture (or, The Ascendance of White Bullshit)

4. The Horrible, Horrible, and Wonderful Future of Sex Toys

5. An Actual Investigation in the $$$ Behind the Adult Industry (it’s not what you think)

6. A Hands-on Investigation into the “Squirting” Phenomenon

7. Actual Interviews with Actual Porn Stars (Really)

8. A Sexual Model of Human Culture and Memetics, aka “the full penetration civilization explanation”

IN ADDITION to the themes listed above, there will also be specific followups on the following:

a. Part Three of the Fake It Until You Make It series for teenagers.

b. A detailed look at the validity of my theory that most human behavior is being controlled by Toxoplasmosis sex parasites.

c. A investigation of wether or not the Kama Sutra was derived from the I Ching, complete with insane—yet technically feasable—reasons as to how that would even be chronologically and geographically possible.

d. Genuine relationship advice from a polyamorous hippie veteran of the swinging 90s.  I’m not going to pretend I have good advice, but it’s definitely new advice…

e. And, due to repeated requests I’ve been ignoring for months, there will finally be a Recommended Reading list so that you guys can check back with all the great authors I’ve been blatantly plagarizing this entire time.  (Helpful hint: I steal most of this stuff from Ayn Rand.)

ON TOP OF THAT, we’ve got a genuine real-deal advice column we’ll be adding to this site where you can directly submit questions to Uncle Humpasaur, and I will flip a double-headed quarter to determine wether or not to answer it.  (Basically, if I like your question, I’ll guess heads, and if I don’t, I will probably guess tails.)

And of course, all of this will be geared towards the 2008 publication of Human Sexuality for Filthy Apes.  Once again, thanks to all 10 of you who stuck with me through the bullshit.  It will all be disappeared shorty, including this message.  If you bring this up, I will just stare at you for a few seconds and walk away, cuz....that’s just how I roll.

11 comments

Filed in: Zeitgeist

Posted Aug 05, 2007 3 comments

With a picture like that, does the man really need an introduction? Apparently the answer is yes: Louis Mackey is, as you shall soon find out for yourself, a legitimately dangerous mind.  An anarchist who is far too smart for his own good, and totally devoid of sympathy for those slower and weaker than himself.  Maybe I made that last part up, but it could be true just the same.  If you’re interested in checking out his music—he makes an average 3-5 tracks per day this summer—should check out his website. LET’S BEGIN:

How are you fighting the tide of mediocrity, Louis Mackey?

Notwithstanding the medicinal, habitual use of narcotics and alcohol, I’d have to say mediocrity is the main component of what drives me to excel, destroy and rebuild. Before I could muse off my taste of paradise, though only for what seemed like an instant, but she’s gone; she was the best muse I’ve ever had. Although, I’m slowly tapping into that resource, among others, with just as much fervor as before. The so called “elites” in my hometown, either those passing through on tours or your local jester, afford little to no inspiration to improve. I fight the tide of mediocrity by always being 450 steps ahead, as I like to say. Like, “Oh you have a multisyllabic rhyme with more metaphorical meaning than Atlas Shrugged? Well, I’ve got an entire concept album nobody’s heard and I’m willing to bet my scholarship 99 out of 100 people think its better in every facet.”

While you are asleep, I’m up. While you go out and get hammered, I stay, write, record, create, idealize and get hammered. Work ethic is the age old secret and nobody can argue with that. However, there comes a point when work ethic reaches obsession. It is called obsession namely by those outside my sphere of influence and who cannot respect the modus operandi to which I strictly adhere. 

Can you recommend any good drugs, books, or liqour?

Man, that whiskey we had was some next level shit and I cannot for the life of me remember its name. Perhaps you could? [W.L. Weller—damn it was good.]

I’d start off our reader with the classics. I tend to gravitate to idealism, therefore anything I prescribe after the classics is going to be some worldly idealistic writing that has come to nominated as “ancient history” to much of this judeo-christianized culture of skullfuckery. I’d say, examine the pessimistic literary side of the human race’s intellectuals. Even though I find little to no epical integrity in much of what a nah-sayer, a cynic, a misanthrope or a pessimist may write, it is nonetheless worth, however minimally, acknowledging. The cynical author finds his optimism in believing that he is the one who sees the world more lucidly.  Thus, popular society concordantly labels him the pessimist.  Take advantage of them both.

Do you think there’s a thin line between high energy and psychosis?

To answer this question I revert back to my response to question A. To those outside your personal paradigm, or modus operandi to get all scholarly, you may seem like a blithering lunatic. I have been for some time now a strong believer in the transcendentalist mantra of self-reliance; that true genius lies in trusting one’s self. We’ve come, practically just yesterday in scientific history, to uncover the idea of relativity. High energy and insanity are but names readily transferable and delegated by a set of agreed upon abstract ideas by a group. If you do what boats your serotonin, and you do it in excess, or rather what the popular sentiment of in excess is, let them call it what they may. I think its funny how quick we are to write some off as psychotic.

Let’s talk porn kittens.  who is your post-fame top five?

Avena Lee, Christine Young, Carmen Luvana, Lady Sonia, Jenna Haze.

What is your drug of choice, your weapon of choice, and your zodiac sign?

Coffee. I know everyone probably thinks this but I actually truly, manifestly know it: “a few cups of coffee sends me to the next tier, the one above yours”. I don’t use any other drugs, really, well, besides alcohol.

As for my weapon of choice, I would saying flying guillotines but then that would just be blatantly biting. Those who know me know what we do when we drink whiskey at my house; mainly, what we do after we finish each bottle. I set the fifth on the coffee table and unsheathe my roommate’s TPX Louisville Slugger and give the fucker a golden bear golf. Ask anyone who knows me personally, its tradition at my house to do this after completing the bottle. It all started when I was attempting to show Uncle Duke what I was going to do to the hip hop competition (and after you and buddy knuckle down on a fifth of evan, clean polish it off, your aptitude for elocution becomes a little more practical and lot less eloquent). And I usually get around to picking up the shards during the week. But yeah, if WAR were featured in some type of martial arts video game my weapon would surely be an aluminum baseball bat

I’m a Libra and I fit the astrological implications of this zodiac to the tee. Both the negative and positive descriptions of individuals born under this constellation correlate to me perfectly.

Do you think human music evolved before human language or vice versa?

Going out on a thin branch here I am going to cast my vote with music. Now it’s a very slippery slope when you consider what language is, whether it be grunts and groans or articulate communication. My intuition tells me the deep rhythm of the cosmos probably predates coherent, systematic communication, even among humans. But you know, I’m probably totally incorrect.

At the end of the day, are we all just rapping to get laid?

There’s nothing wrong with that sentiment except a small syntactical error. When you incorporate the word ‘just’ you’ve got problem. And of course that’s always the case when you examine absolute statements.  Psychologically, I think it’s correct that most of our actions are, in effect, done for the reward of approval. This could be from friends, women, family, etc. Getting laid, well fuck, that’s the ultimate seal of approval. Think about it; I want you inside me because you are that DOPE. Hell yes, I want to be inside you because I am that dope. I don’t know certainly know. I’ve never been laid cheifly because I’m insanely talented, then again, I haven’t done a lot of shows in venues where hip hop is the most appreciated genre. Hopping out of my underoos and into bed with a beautiful woman is definitely an integral part of my existence and it surely plays a part, however subtlety, as to why I write.

What do you want to try and leave behind as a legacy?

It’s sad to come to the realization that so many will be forgotten. Additionally, its sadistically funny to see how many people think they’re important enough to leave behind a legacy. “Every hero becomes a bore at last”, says the sage. Don’t get me wrong I’ve thought about this question before and I do have answer. I want my genuine actions to speak for themselves. At 21 years old I have an illimitable foreground ahead of me. I don’t feel I’m at liberty to surmise which legacy, if any, I am going to leave after I’ve departed.

Do you think it’s ethical to get as many women pregnant as you possibly can?

When humans were much more self-sufficient, yeah. Oddly enough, we’ve lost our aboriginal strength despite all our advances in knowledge. Of course this question’s answer is dependent on way too many contingencies to positively or negatively come to an ultimate conclusion. As for fucking, man, fuck like jack rabbits, hell yeah.

FOR THE RECORD: Louis was actually correct about music evolving before language.  Music is a tool that many species use to attract mates, and music is shaped by sexual selection.  This creates a weird slippery zone: how is music not language?  If animals communicate using music, can we really claim those species do not possess language?  Anyways, for anyone interested in this material, then start here.  You should be interested, because if you’re not, that’s just one more thing Louis Mackey knows that you don’t, and when he comes for you, you’ll wish you paid more attention to reality, human.

3 comments

Filed in: The Music

Posted Aug 05, 2007 7 comments

Last night I was reading an article about how the US stock market is about to take a huge dive and crash next week. It was a technically well-written article.  Everything was spelled right, grammar was mostly flawless.  The author painted a vivid picture of the current economic situation to prove their point.  Still, I couldn’t help but think to myself: “Jesus God Almighty, I have been reading this exact same article every 2 weeks for 5 years now and IT STILL HASN’T HAPPENED.”

Midair Living

So what does this have to do with sex?  I’ll get to that, but first let’s take a look at the single greatest metaphor in the history of Chicken Little Fearmongering: “We are hurtling towards the edge of a cliff.” I might be alone in this, but “we” is a word that sets me on edge, unless it’s being spoken by someone I love.  When people in suits start talking about “we,” my flat policy is to leave the room.  “We” is even more absurd in an economic or geo-strategic context, because really, now, humans, who the fuck is “we”?

Were you consulted the last time the Federal Reserve made a decision?  Did you vote on wether or not to push the government of the United States nearly $900 billion dollars into debt?  Did you tell the Pentagon to raise spending above “Cold War” levels after the “Cold War” ended?  Fuck no, we’re just regular folks. Personally, I am not in the habit of buying slave trash from China, slave beer from Budweiser, or buying lunch at a gas station convenience store (although I am happy to steal Slush Puppies), and I haven’t paid any taxes in seven years. 

So there is no “we” hurtling towards the edge of any cliff, but that’s actually not the biggest flaw in this allegedly common-sense metaphor.  Nay, the biggest flaw is this: we careened over the edge of the cliff decades ago, before most of the people reading this today were even born.

Because, like I said, these “IMMINENT DOOM” articles are technically correct. All of the reasons they enumerate for the impending financial collapse of the USA are factually true—and they’ve been factually true for a long, long time.  The United States has been sailing in midair for so long it now feels normal and most people have no idea what I’m even talking about right now. 

THE WORST/FUNNIEST PART

Here’s the real kicker: nobody has any idea when we’re going to hit the ground beneath that cliff. In all likelihood, given the extreme conditions, given how long we’ve delayed the inevitable, and given the speed of a globally connected financial market running 24 hours per day via computer—when that impact finally comes, the United States will be demolished in 48 hours. 

Here’s the funniest part: every single dipshit pundit who has written a Chicken Little article since 1989 will be saying “I told you so.” That’s probably close to 10,000 people, if you really want to dig into Lexis-Nexis and start building up an exhaustive Bibliography of Doom.  Futhermore, whoever publishes their “THE END IS NIGH” essay within a week or two of the actual event will become an instant celebrity prophet.  That’s sort a mixed bag, though, because by then, nobody will have enough money to buy their books.  That’s what’s called a “pyrrhic victory”—you win, but you’re still a loser.

Here’s the worst part: every single dipshit pundit who has written a Chicken Little article since 1989 has not been enough to wake people up. And that’s the biggest danger of these articles—they numb us. If the stock market doesn’t crash next week, you’ll be a lot less likely to believe the next essay on the same subject.  Because so many Armageddons have come and gone, because the status quo has maintained itself for so long, people just block out the looming disaster.  Which is unfortunate, because like I keep saying, all of the facts that these Chicken Little articles are based on are totally true, very real dangers, and they will not go away if you stop believing in them.

That’s how Philip K. Dick defined reality, by the way.  I still say that’s the best working definition we have in the english language: “Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, does not go away.” In other words, $900 billion in debt is more real than Jesus Christ—which is hilarious, because money itself is a total lie, fiction, charade, and joke—and “debt” is just numbers on computers.

(As a side note, consider that if you actually did the Jesus Experiment, he would not “go away” when you stopped believing in him, because millions and millions of other people do still believe in him.  They keep going to Church, they keep picketing abortion clinics, they keep passing out pamphlets, and they just keep on talking about him.  It is precisely this phenomenon that interested Dick so much—the possibility that humans can make things real that simply aren’t, and the ability of irrational beliefs to become operational realities.  Or something.)

7 comments

Filed in: Zeitgeist

Posted Aug 01, 2007 17 comments

Believe it or not—and it’s better to assume that I’m kidding—I’m working on my debut life instruction handbook for teenagers, “Human Sexuality for Filthy Apes.” It might be awhile until it comes out—to get a sense of our timetable, check out the Algorhythms project.

Just the same, I want to do the right work.  I really do want this book to be useful, and I want it to kick fucking ass.  So I have five questions I’d appreciate feedback on from anyone and everyone reading this:

1. Do you think it is possible to literally teach Love to a generation of burned out paranoids with multiple addictions and no trust in anyone?  Do you have any ideas on how to approach that?

2. What Key Issues or Obvious Points do you think all other sex books you’ve read overlooked...or deliberately didn’t tell you?

3. What emerging problems, opportunities and trends do you see emerging right now that need to be addressed in order for this book to be useful to the youth of tomorrow?  What is the future of human sexuality looking like from where you see the Universe?

4. Are there topics you strongly feel that I should not even mention to the young people reading the book?  If so, please explain why, I’d really appreciate that.

5. Am I completely retarded for doing this and does a book already exist that covers it all perfectly?

17 comments

Filed in: Sex Science

Posted Jul 30, 2007 3 comments

Thanks to Shuan Inman and his badass program, Mint, we get to spend a lot of time doing espionage on everyone who visits Hump Jones.  I’m just laying my cards on the table because I like to be polite when I lie to people, you know?  We’re very interested in demographics, mostly out of the desire to get more done with less work.  Part of the data stream we get is incoming google searches. For the past two weeks, I’ve been collecting a list of the best search commands, and now I’m going to share the harvest with you.  This list is a symptom of laziness—lists are great to keep people entertained, ask George Carlin or David Letterman.  But I swear to you, this list is real.  With no further bullshittery, in no particular order:

1. passed out masturbating muppet
2. mouth body connection
3. mutant sex two penises
4. horny sexual android sex
5. “insert the kundalini statute”
6. big bloody humpasaur
7. mormon friend stop masturbating
8. very fat women in uniform
9. yeah yeah suck it
10. inalienable lust
11. naked neo conservative pictures jpg
12. kitten sex
13. total penetration madness
14. perverted hippie
15. toes in ass
16. rasputin dick jar
17. very drunk women drinking
18. mental foreskin
19. phish parking lot sex
20. cosmic orgasm
21. wombaticus sex
22. “do it do it do it”
23. discordian pornography jpg
24. still eating kids blues
25. hump ron hubbard

Yeah....just 25 of them.  “Gee whiz, Uncle Hump, you’ve really hit rock bottom if you’re actually posting content as vapid as this.” That’s true, but only for now.  You have no idea what’s brewing.  The Next Round will be kicking everything around here up a notch, so just remember that I warned you, vaguely, way back when.

3 comments

Filed in: Zeitgeist