Humpjones

Posted Aug 01, 2007 17 comments

Believe it or not—and it’s better to assume that I’m kidding—I’m working on my debut life instruction handbook for teenagers, “Human Sexuality for Filthy Apes.” It might be awhile until it comes out—to get a sense of our timetable, check out the Algorhythms project.

Just the same, I want to do the right work.  I really do want this book to be useful, and I want it to kick fucking ass.  So I have five questions I’d appreciate feedback on from anyone and everyone reading this:

1. Do you think it is possible to literally teach Love to a generation of burned out paranoids with multiple addictions and no trust in anyone?  Do you have any ideas on how to approach that?

2. What Key Issues or Obvious Points do you think all other sex books you’ve read overlooked...or deliberately didn’t tell you?

3. What emerging problems, opportunities and trends do you see emerging right now that need to be addressed in order for this book to be useful to the youth of tomorrow?  What is the future of human sexuality looking like from where you see the Universe?

4. Are there topics you strongly feel that I should not even mention to the young people reading the book?  If so, please explain why, I’d really appreciate that.

5. Am I completely retarded for doing this and does a book already exist that covers it all perfectly?

17 comments

Filed in: Sex Science

Posted Jul 30, 2007 3 comments

Thanks to Shuan Inman and his badass program, Mint, we get to spend a lot of time doing espionage on everyone who visits Hump Jones.  I’m just laying my cards on the table because I like to be polite when I lie to people, you know?  We’re very interested in demographics, mostly out of the desire to get more done with less work.  Part of the data stream we get is incoming google searches. For the past two weeks, I’ve been collecting a list of the best search commands, and now I’m going to share the harvest with you.  This list is a symptom of laziness—lists are great to keep people entertained, ask George Carlin or David Letterman.  But I swear to you, this list is real.  With no further bullshittery, in no particular order:

1. passed out masturbating muppet
2. mouth body connection
3. mutant sex two penises
4. horny sexual android sex
5. “insert the kundalini statute”
6. big bloody humpasaur
7. mormon friend stop masturbating
8. very fat women in uniform
9. yeah yeah suck it
10. inalienable lust
11. naked neo conservative pictures jpg
12. kitten sex
13. total penetration madness
14. perverted hippie
15. toes in ass
16. rasputin dick jar
17. very drunk women drinking
18. mental foreskin
19. phish parking lot sex
20. cosmic orgasm
21. wombaticus sex
22. “do it do it do it”
23. discordian pornography jpg
24. still eating kids blues
25. hump ron hubbard

Yeah....just 25 of them.  “Gee whiz, Uncle Hump, you’ve really hit rock bottom if you’re actually posting content as vapid as this.” That’s true, but only for now.  You have no idea what’s brewing.  The Next Round will be kicking everything around here up a notch, so just remember that I warned you, vaguely, way back when.

3 comments

Filed in: Zeitgeist

Posted Jul 26, 2007 6 comments

You can only deny it for so long. After awhile, evidence starts arranging itself into patterns, and those patterns start to look disturbing.  This is not meant as an “expose”—I think the fact Bush has killed 115 people as Governor of Texas, and ordered the deaths of several hundred thousand people as President, is a lot more disgusting, dirty, and perverse than his obvious homosexual attraction to men with shaved or bald heads.  I just wanted to share this gallery with you, in hopes that it would trigger thought and perhaps awaken curiosity.

With that said:

6 comments

Filed in: Zeitgeist

Posted Jul 22, 2007 8 comments

It’s all context, right? Just depends on where you are at the time, and who you happen to be.  I happen to be rather stoned at the moment.

It’s not idle hedonism that drives me to joints, though, it’s actually a matter of professional journalism.  Today we’re going to take a quick look at the least funny story Uncle Hump will ever tell.  You can also read about it in The Washington Post.

It’s the tale of Mahamu Kanneh—he’s from Liberia and in August of 2004, he was arrested.  He allegedly molested a 7 year old girl.  His first language was Vai, a dialect spoken by around 100,000 Liberians.  Despite a three-year search, which involved contacting 47 states, Maryland has yet to locate a qualified translator.  What they do have is witness statements, medical evidence, DNA evidence, and the testimony of the child.  Yet because there’s no translator, there’s been no trial so far.

I am reminded, for some reason, of the whole dark episode with “The Finders”—these are horror stories with no happiness, or even hope, at the end.  No closure, just dull nausea—hence the joints, brothers and sisters. They really do help on Sundays like this.  As so many people have said, “no justice, no peace,” and that’s more of a curse than a threat.  Hopefully this is catharsis for y’all—I’m just blasting stuff off my chest and passing it out into the Universe.  Apparently, people read this. 

ETERNAL UNDERSTATEMENT TIME!!!!

Are you ready to CRANK UP THE FUNNY?

“This is one of the most difficult decisions I’ve had to make in a long time.”

That’s Katherine D. Savage, the judge presiding over all this.  She concluded—and she could be technically right—that the excessive delays caused by this whole translator problem had violated Kanneh’s constitutional right to a fair trial.  (This could be an irrelevant aside, but the dude isn’t a citizen, right?  So he’s got no rights, right?) So the “difficult decision” in question was to drop the charges against Mahamu Kanneh. He walks.

What makes this worse: in Maryland, you have the legal right to a trial for your crimes within 180 days.  However, Kanneh actually waived his right to a speedy trial. The reason?  He wanted time to get his own DNA analysis done.  Again, I’m just a humble layman with no knowledge of legal process.  Just the same, from where I’m sitting right now, this whole disaster seems completely f***ing insane.

I am reminded, for some reason, of Omar al-Baghdadi.  Yeah...”Omar of Baghdad.” Anyone remember Omar?  He was captured by US forces in March, and executed May, and declared to be a non-existent media stunt in July.  Quite a career, and I’m not sure what it says about where 2007 is headed—probably something it’s better not to think about.

Broke Rappers Love Economics

Translation services. Think about this: you can get a copy of Rosetta Stone, the bestest computer program to learn languages with, off a bittorrent client, today.  Learning a language is a great investment because it’s a market desperate for workers and expertise.  Consequently, there’s also a lot of tax dollars being bled in the process:

In Montgomery and elsewhere, the proliferation of languages resulting from immigration is presenting courts with a novel challenge, legal and linguistics experts say. Rarely, however, does a court have such difficulty finding an interpreter that a criminal case must be dropped.

Court interpreters and linguists say a national database of court interpreters would help quickly locate people fluent in uncommon languages. “The burden of increased requests for rare languages makes it a necessity,” said Nataly Kelly, author of a book on interpreting.

Knight said the county spent nearly $1 million on interpreters last year, 10 times the amount it spent in 2000. “It’s a constant struggle, and it is extremely expensive,” she said.

ENOUGH RAMBLING

This was all over a translator, remember?  Here’s the real Kick to the Stomach from the Washington Post:

The trial date was extended repeatedly as the state and the defense argued over whether Kanneh needed an interpreter and whether he understood the legal proceedings. The state noted that Kanneh attended high school and community college in Montgomery and spoke to detectives in English. The defense insisted that he needed an interpreter to fully understand the proceedings.

And while you’re hunched over, by God, they follow up with a certified Knee to the Face:

The first interpreter stormed out of the courtroom in tears because she found the facts of the case disturbing.

Boy howdy. Wowza.  Well, here’s a puff-puff-puff to whoever that translator was.  Your weak stomach and inability to cope with reality would normally not be a problem, but in this rare set of circumstances, you totally blew it for everyone. The least you can do is track down Mahamu Kanneh and castrate the guy, right? 

It’s a step in the right direction...vaguely...hmm...wonder if I can actually advocate that.

I am reminded, for some reason, of Jose Delgado’s solution for all social problems: psychosurgery and electronic brain implants.  After all, let’s be honest: nobody cares.  We all operate in our monkey-sphere and we’re wonderful people to everyone we know, but hey, there’s over six billion people we don’t know. A decade is a long time.  You can burn a lot of bridges, lose a lot of friends, and find yourself a very lonely person: nobody cares.

The good news is, you can do something good for the human species just the same.  Buckminster Fuller was, according to legend, waist-deep in a lake preparing to kill himself when he got his Big Idea.  He devoted himself to the success, security and quality of life of all humankind. The world is a better place today—sure, not as good as it could be.  Sure, Buckminster Fuller made a lot of mistakes.  Sure, he could have done better.  Sure, if you wake up every day trying to save the world, you will probably still fail to do so. 

But hey....as things stand, what do you wake up for every day?

8 comments

Filed in: The War on Sex

Posted Jul 20, 2007 2 comments

What is the War on Sex?  It’s an open-source moneymaking machine for powerful private sector visionaries.  Just like the War on Terror, which has created a whole new National Security Industry: witness the growth of Israel’s economy, as they re-define their occupation of Palestine as one great big extended product test.  (Read more here.) Just like the War on Drugs, which has given America a new form of assisted suicide: the Prison-Industrial Complex, which is the richest vein of irony known to mankind.  Did you know the United States consumes more than half of the world’s cocaine?  Did you know the Land of the Free actually has a higher rate of incarcerated prisoners than Russia and China?  That sort of thing.

But of course, these two markets have already “happened”—both of them are super-saturated with contractors and eager start-up companies desperate to make a buck.  The smart primates are looking for the Next Big Thing: and I’ve got it right here. 

The Basic Setup

The past two decades have seen an explosive growth of political and financial power for the Evangelical Christian Right, which is a massive coalition of conservative, reactionary people with lots of money.  They are already in a state of almost total panic about the Moral Decay of the United States: teenage sex without pregnancy, rising visibility of pornography, and of course drug use. 

There are billions upon billions of dollars floating around the Christian Right.  (That’s the only reason anyone talks about them or takes ‘em seriously at all, if you actually think about it.) All of the money is there to further the glory of God—to reshape the world in His image, to expand the flock and convert more people to His word, and to make life harder for His enemies: Moslems and Secular Humanists.  Better still, the Christian Right has gained an unprecedented level of control over the Federal goverment at all levels, so in addition to the billions of private bucks in circulation, they’re also controlling the flow of Federal funds these days.  And you know who could be there, rolling in all that currency?  You.

Most of you reading this probably think: “Well, I just don’t ‘look’ anything like a Christian, and I’m not willing to shave my mohawk, or get my genital piercings removed.” Believe it or not—no big deal. I won’t lie—you’d probably make a lot more money if you got a crew cut and a shave, wore ties every day, and tucked in your shirt.  Just the same, though, that’s not nescessary, because for “Youth Ministry” work, it’s actually better to look “hip” and “edgy”—kids love that.

Look, there’s only one real question—can you keep a straight face, kid? No matter how you choose to present yourself, you’ve got to deliver on content.  As long as you’re providing Bible-centered arguments that are interesting and compelling, you’ve got a gig. 

And for sheer weirdness and bloodthirsty hatred, it’s hard to beat the Bible—you can have a ton of fun emphasizing passages of the Bible that even fundamentalists are uncomfortable with, such as Deuteronomy 23:1, which goes like this: “No one whose testicles are crushed or whose penis is cut off shall be admitted to the assembly of the Lord.” (No, really, it says that...it’s even funnier in King James: “He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD.” It is my sincere hope that “wounded in the stones” will become a hip catchphrase in the next year, hopefully through a Will Ferrell comedy.)

Learn the Lingo

With a Bible, cable TV, and back issues of Christianity Today, you can learn enough in the space of a week to convince any group of potential customers you’re One Of Them.  You might also want to familiarize yourself with the following landmarks: The Purpose Driven Life, by Rick Warren; The Left Behind Series of Tim LaHaye and Jerry Jenkins, and for a rapid-fire intro it’s impossible to beat William and Randy Petersen’s 100 Christian Books that Changed the Century.

You need to learn the lingo because it’s worth it—you’ll be able to state your case with less effort and be more persuasive doing so.  Observe:

“If we don’t fund abstinence education in our schools,” Linda Klepacki warned, “we will most likely see skyrocketing sexually transmitted infection rates, skyrocketing teen pregnancy and abortion rates, and a return to heavy dependency on welfare tax dollars.”

Is that solid gold or what? A tip of the hat to Linda Klepacki—that’s the kind of go get ‘em zeal you’re going to need, if you wanna get ahead in the War on Sex.

Beware the Italian Mafia

I am referring, of course, to the Catholic Church, the single most successful wing of the Italian Syndicate.  Not only have they netted literally hundreds of billions of dollars, but they’re able to operate in the open, even converting their Roman compound into it’s own autonomous country, “The Vatican.” You have to respect balls like that.  (That’s not a statement of admiration, by the way, I’m saying you literally have to respect them.)

The Italians are both a blessing and a threat.  A blessing, because of their bottomless coffers and totally immoral ways, but also a threat, because you see, the Vatican pushes a different kind of product than the American Christian Right.  Here in the USA, women are simply objects of lust—the carrot, if you will, to the stick of shame, guilt and repression.  However, Vatican-brand Christianity has a distinctly pagan, Goddess-worship edge to it that might be incompatible with your product line. 

A fundamental pillar of the Vatican’s corporate plan is subtly encouraging sexual behavior through Maria worship, combined with encouraging large families through maintaining that any forms of birth control are immoral and punishable in Hell.  This might sound a little crazy, but in the past few centuries—especially the past 50 years—this strategy has proven itself to be sound.  Today the Vatican claims one sixth of the world population as a customer base. Yeah...that’s 1.1 billion people. 

However, in typically schizophrenic logic, the Vatican will still bankroll Abstinence Education—because the Vatican is flatly opposed to sex before marriage.  If that ever changes, the War on Sex will be in serious trouble, but as long as it holds, you can use the Catholics as an ally, but most importantly, a valued customer.

Start Collecting Money

This is not a speculative theory, folks.  The Department of Health and Human Services has a whole department devoted to funding the War on Sex: it’s called the Community-Based Abstinence Education program, or CBAE.  They just got a funding increase of $141 million dollars for 2008. You can get their Federal Grant Wire information by clicking here.  You don’t know what that is?  “The trough,” my friends.  That’s where the federal money comes in, and that’s where all your fellow piggies go to eat it.

If you’re interested in learning who your competition is, here’s a handy chart. Seriously. 

“But I’m not a Christian!”

So? Do you think Pat Robertson is a Christian?  Are you really so naive as to believe that George W. Bush is one?  Yeah...I bet you think he quit drinking, too.  Sadly, if this information is news to you, you’re really not qualified to operate at this level.  I make a living giving people peeks behind the curtain—by nescessity, that means I live behind that curtain full-time.  I see the world a little differently than most people, and that’s the biggest understatement you’re going to read today.

Remember, any group that is built on rigid conformity of thought is dangerous, destructive, opressive, blah blah blah...whatever, yeah.  The world is a horrible place, here’s some chopped ginger and a shot of whiskey, kid.  Buck up. Because any group built on rigid conformity of thought it also exceptionally easy to infiltrate because the standards of “belonging” are so mechanical and superficial. For instance, I have a number of friends, with bookcases full of Noam Chomsky, who made a lot of money post-911 selling T-Shirts and Hats with the American flag on them.  It’s still money, folks. Go out there and get some.  Use it to build machines that give DARPA nightmares, use it to feed everyone you know, use it make the world a far stranger and better place.  Just please stop complaining.

2 comments

Filed in: The War on Sex