Posted Sep 09, 2007 6 comments
This is just a humble gallery page for the terminally bored and perpetually blazed. It will grow with time. Gently. Gently.
If this doesn’t work, it’s your fault. We guarantee it!
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Filed in: Zeitgeist
Posted Sep 06, 2007 6 comments
In the course of researching material for my upcoming, world-changing bestseller Human Sexuality for Filthy Apes, I’ve been noticing two disturbing trends. First of all, academic research about sex is boring as hell, in addition to being maddeningly vague and inconclusive. Considering the current sorry-ass state of Neurology in the western world, that’s probably inevitable.
Second of all—and this part is actually disturbing—I’ve been watching a pattern emerge: a great deal of sex research is carried out by raping animals in a laboratory setting. Feel free to read that over again, this article is not a prank. (For anyone still wondering, the UFO landing was a prank, yes. And the RealDoll documentary was “filler,” yes.) My e-buddy drew hempel has referred to science as “Mass Ritual Sacrifice,” but that only sounds crazy if you ignore the actual lab procedures involved with the harvesting of knowledge. As it turns out, objectivity involves a great deal of bloodshed. And what could be more sexy than that?
Sure can—imagine being an intern for this experiment:
Frances Burton performed a series of experiments on Rhesus macaques that provided evidence that females of the species are physiologically capable of experiencing orgasm. Her experiment on three adult female Rhesus consisted of placing them in a metal framework with harnesses, grooming them, and then providing five minutes of clitoral stimulation, five minutes of vaginal stimulation, followed by a four minute rest, and then five minutes more of vaginal stimulation. Burton notes, “while arbitrary, these time units were chosen to well exceed the duration of an episode of actual stimulation and intromission in a copulatory series in the natural state” (1971, p. 182). Two of the females were tested seven times, one only four times. Each animal was tested from the four days prior to her putative ovulation to two days into the follicular phase of her cycle “to maximize her responsiveness”
That nightmare gem is from Elisabeth Lloyd’s paper, All About Eve: Bias in Evolutionary Explanations of Women’s Sexuality, which is actually one of the best, most readable articles I’ve gotten ahold of. (You can download our PDF copy by clicking here.)
For contrast, take a look at this experiment, as described in “Brain Activation during Human Male Ejaculation”—and yeah, I got a PDF of that, too:
Tasks. The volunteers were asked to perform the following tasks twice: rest, erection, sexual stimulation, and ejaculation induced by sexual stimulation. To minimize motor activity by the volunteer during the scan, sexual stimulation was provided by his female partner by means of manual penile stimulation in the tasks stimulation and ejaculation. Manual stimulation was continued throughout ejaculation. The volunteer’s head was maintained in position with a head-restraining adhesive band, and, to minimize visual input, volunteers were asked to keep their eyes closed.
In the week before the experiments, the volunteers and their female partners were informed about how the experiments would be conducted, and they were asked to practice at home, especially regarding minimizing head and limb movements.
One of the most incoherent articles I’ve ever done was about the pain—and the beauty—of a Viagra overdose. In fact, I think the title went something like HOLY SHIT, YOU JUST OVERDOSED ON VIAGRA. As it turns out, that was part of the clinical testing for Viagra. There are some folks who theorize that Bill Hicks died because he realized his most cynical, hateful, and bleak jokes would all be major network TV shows within a year. You can’t mock human depravity or stupidity—your best efforts at parody will still fall far short of simple reality. As Charles Mingus—who could toilet train any cat—advised his son: “Don’t improve on reality until you know what it is.”
I still have no idea what it is, and I probably never will. However, even the BBC reported on this one:
Drug company Pfizer has admitted carrying out tests on Viagra that involved mutilating dogs’ genitals but defended the experiments as essential.
The research on the impotence pill was carried out at Pfizer’s UK laboratories in Sandwich, Kent after earlier tests on humans.
Animal research is of course disturbing, but it’s also nescessary. Granted, horrible things are done to helpless animals behind closed doors, but it’s important to bear in mind that all of this research saves human lives. Viagra, after all, cures cancer, AIDS, and halitosis—and Pfizer has been giving it away for free in Africa since 2003. That kind of world-saving philanthropy more than justifies tiny little atrocities like this:
Animal rights groups are outraged at experiments, which involved removing the foreskins of the anaesthetised beagles and then giving them shocks with electrodes inserted into the centre of their penises.
The company, which also carried out tests on rabbits, rats, mice and monkeys in Bristol, put the dogs down afterwards.
The good news is: you’re next! Your generation is being prepped for an exciting future on a cold metal table somewhere, thanks to Hollywood’s latest round of conditioning: Saw, Hostel, and dozens of other torture porn flicks. I will probably use this image again in another, equally cheerful context, but for now, let’s finish up with the promo poster for the upcoming, mainstream snuff porno Captivity, since a picture is worth a billion concluding paragraphs:
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Filed in: Sex Science
Posted Sep 05, 2007 4 comments
Back in April I wrote an article about the RealDoll phenomenon in an article entitled ”Total Capitalism: Synthetic Sex Slavery” where I basically came to the conclusion that:
[RealDolls] It’s the McDonald’s drive-thru of penetration, pared down to a latex vagina and some jiggling titties to watch while you masturbate.
The article goes a little deeper than that, but honestly not that much.
Last week I stone stumbled across the “Guys and Dolls” RealDoll documentary again for the 8th time, so I thought this time I might as well share it here with you. This wonderful 45 minute documentary features the lives of 4 men and their RealDoll companions. If you haven’t seen the film before, it’s a great way to waste another small bit of your life. Enjoy.
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Filed in: Zeitgeist
Posted Aug 28, 2007 17 comments
This is, obviously, the single most factual, honest and raw document of pure journalism you will ever read in your life ever:
Outside of Sedona Airport, on Monday, August 27th, hundreds of witnesses watched an aircraft of unknown origin and design land in front of them. Investigators are unable to determine exactly what happened next, but according to some witness accounts, strange beings emerged from the craft and addressed the crowd. There has been little agreement among witness as to the content of the message, or even what language it was delivered in.
What is known is that emergency personnel were contacted from the airfield, and upon arrival, they found something they were unprepared for. “It was damndest thing I’ve seen in the past 50 years,” said chief Joe Vernier, speaking from his office on Roadrunner Drive. According to authorities, they spent the next 2 hours breaking up and calming down a massive orgy involving nearly 500 people. Chief Vernier would not speculate on the age range, citing ongoing investigations.
Cable news coverage has been ongoing for the past 24 hours, exacerbated by internet rumors that Sedona mayor Pud Colquitt and Arizona governor Janet Napolitano were both involved.
Here’s a free secret: the US government actually doesn’t know shit about UFOs that you can’t learn by reading some Jacques Vallee and Richard Dolan
“Anthropological files contain many examples of societies, sure of their place in the universe, which have disintegrated when they had to associate with previously unfamiliar societies espousing different ideas and different life ways; others that survived such an experience usually did so by paying the price of changes in values and attitudes and behavior.”
That’s from the 1960 “Brookings Report” which laid down the “War of the Worlds” doctrine: basically, that most humans are too stupid, selfish and helpless to handle any major changes to their reality. This is the grim conclusion that many, many, many brilliant minds have made, from Plato to Jose Delgado, and I pray every fucking night that I don’t cross over to the dark side, too.
Social control is just rich people herding human cattle, and so logically enough, stampedes are a major concern. You don’t want valuable stock getting trampled in the confusion—you need them getting old so you can harvest the cancer crop through your hospitals, which are factories for turning disease into profit. OH WAIT WAS I RANTING? I was just explaining why the Rockefeller family sponsored the whole “War on the Worlds” experiment, which was not an unintentional prank but a deliberate shock test carried out by paid academics. (No, really, read all about it here.)
And of course, the Brookings Report was nothing...that was just rare, how about declassified? From the NSA, we get the barrel of laughs called “UFO HYPOTHESIS AND SURVIVAL QUESTIONS” which really thinks outside the boxcar when it comes to human herding:
Observations of chimpanzees while in a captive environment have shown that the animals tend to become confused and disoriented. Since they do not usually have adult chimps to teach them how to be good apes, they are not even sure of their behavior. Often their actions are patterned after human behavior and would have virtually no survival value in the wild. Lacking the challenge of environmental adaptation, the bodies of the animals atrophy and become subject to may diseases—mostly unknown in their wild counterparts. Reactions to stimulus usually become less responsive and suitable. Sex becomes a year-long preoccupation instead of a seasonal madness.
Do the captivity characteristics of modern civilization cause a similar lessening of man’s adaptive capability, of his health, of his ability to recognize reality, of his ability to survive?
So is the end of the world going to be a huge orgy? If not, why are you sticking around waiting? On a more serious note, how signifigant is it that when primates are kept in captivity, “sex becomes a year-long preoccupation instead of a seasonal madness?” Is is crazy if I suggest that “human civilization” is functionally and effectively exactly the same as “captivity”? How much are schools different from prisons? How much are either of those institutions different from factories and military bases?
Statistically, most people reading this were born into captivity—your parents were working jobs they fucking hated and struggling through marriages they enjoyed about as much as their jobs. Recent news would appear to disagree with me: “Despite grumbling, most Americans say they are happy at work”—but once you really understand Stockholm Syndrome and social entrainment, you’ll never look at human relationships the same way again.
Here’s another free secret: polls are only useful in the negative. In other words, they’re only giving you actual information when you ask about what people don’t know. Ask them for their opinion and they’ll parrot some bullshit they don’t really understand. Ask them for their feelings and they will lie to you exactly as much as they lie to themselves. But ask them what they don’t know, and now you’re getting some actual information: exactly two-thirds of the US population polled by Newsweek in 2006 couldn’t identify what DNA was.
Fighting for humanity is a losing battle waged on behalf of herd animals who will be cheering when you get crucified, or beaten to death on pay-per-view. Just the same, it’s the only honorable game in town and I haven’t changed my mind one neuron since the last time Satan was tempting me. I’ll close with some Charles Darwin, another brilliant intellect who gave up on the human species:
With savages, the weak in body or mind are soon eliminated; and those that survive commonly exhibit a vigorous state of health. We civilized men, on the other hand, do our utmost to check the process of elimination; we build asylums for the imbecile, the maimed, and the sick; we institute poor-laws and our medical men exert their utmost skill to save the life of every one to the last moment…Thus the weak members of civilised societies propagate their kind. No one who has attended to the breeding of domestic animals will doubt that this must be highly injurious to the race of man.
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Filed in: Zeitgeist
Posted Aug 27, 2007 5 comments
For this first installment of “Dear Humpasaur,” I’m only using a fraction of what’s been submitted. It would appear the majority of “questions” are basically drunken rants aimed at me, and I’ve only read through the entertaining ones. There’s actually been vanishingly few serious and interesting questions. There’s also been more than a few perfectly great questions that I haven’t gotten around to answering yet. Those answers will cum.
In the meantime, let’s wrap up August—which has been a sweaty, drunken, paranoid smear of a month—with some clarity and some closure. We’re going to address some serious, intelligent topics and treat them with the dignity these issues demand. Let’s begin:
As it turns out, yes, it is. I have photographic proof, if you’re interested in seeing something that will stick with you for the rest of your life: click here. The technique is tricky, and involves having your wang only partially erect—similar to the “soft entry” trick that some hetero couples have tried out. I would also point out that it looks excessively uncomfortable and leave it at that.
Wow, sounds like you’ve got a pretty boring sex life! I would answer with an unqualifed “DUH”—the existence of female orgasm is disputed by nobody in this day and age, except for guys who are too lazy to put in some work. Biologists often describe the female orgasm as a “potential”—since it’s based on the same tissue and muscles as a male orgasm. Basically, women have orgams for the same reason men have nipples: because reproduction is so important to the human species it’s built in redundantly.
If you don’t already know—for the first 8 weeks of your life, you were a hermaphrodite uni-sex freak. We all were, it’s nothing personal. To make extra sure that women can lactate and men can ejaculate, the human embryo, no matter what gender it grows up to be, gets both lactation and ejaculation built in. I realize this illustration is aesthetically repulsive and hard to read, but it’s the best illustration I could find, too:
Also check out the excellent Elisabeth Lloyd paper, “Bias in Evolutionary Explanations of Women’s Sexuality,” which is a goldmine of good science info. I’ll quote some highlights to mop this one up:
The tissues involved in orgasm in males and females are very similar. These include: nerve tissues involved in sensing stimulation and excitement; erectile tissues, i.e., sponge-like tissues that can become engorged with blood and stretched during sexual excitement; and muscle fibers, which are distributed in various locations in the pelvic floor of both sexes and are involved in orgasmic contractions.
There are other reasons to believe that the erectile and nervous tissue involved in both male and female sexual excitement and orgasm has a common embryological origin. For instance, the time between the beginning orgasmic contractions in each sex is 0.8 seconds. This suggests a common neurological foundation for the reflex stimulating the muscular contractions in each sex.
Gebhard notes that the “most common masturbation technique is the manual stimulation of the clitoris and the small lips of the vulva,” which accounts for 84% of all acts of masturbation among the women the Kinsey team surveyed. Less than one fifth of women masturbate by inserting an object or fingers into the vagina, and nearly all of those who do accompany the action with clitoral stimulation. As Kinsey himself noted, women almost never masturbate solely by inserting something into the vagina, in imitation of the act of intercourse.
Uh....soon? That’s an excellent question. You can listen to the latest material over on MySpace, but there’s so many Humpasaur Jones projects going on that it’s hard to call what’s getting released when. Will the 8-track get released before the CD? Will the photovinyl ever come out at all? ...and how about the companion DVD to Human Sexuality For Filthy Apes? All of this will be clarified during the next pilgrimage to Liquid Wet Studios. We’ll sit down with some Kratom and lay everything out for real. Then I’ll announce the answer to this question. Honest.
OH HO! Sarcasm, that’s dope, I love that. So few people are doing sarcasm these days, it’s always really refreshing to see some.
I’ll assume you’re implying that I just get stoned and write this stuff up. You’re 100% correct. I don’t know how many researchers have caught on to this yet, but once you abandon any sense of shame, or pathological need for the dignity of being “an expert,” you can outsource all of your writing work to unpaid volunteers. The Internets are overflowing with people who are desperate to tell you exactly why and how you’re wrong—use that to your advantage.
Of course I just get stoned and make shit up—what sets me apart from the dude who hangs out on your campus and sells mushrooms is the fact I’m actually right just barely 51% of the time. This is psychic dowsing, and when I hit gold—such as the Toxoplasmosis nightmare—it more than justifies the hundreds of consecutive misses. Expect more of the same—I will be floating a lot of completely unhinged ideas in the months to come.
It’s a win-win-win situation, though, don’t make me out to be some sort of monster. The critics get to exercise their critical thinking abilities—witness the last post on The Third Nostril where the arguments against my thesis were way more informative and well-constructed than my thesis itself. I get to find out, quickly and with minimal effort, where the holes in my theory are located. And the real winner is english-speaking young people all over the world, when my book comes out and provides them with all the answers they need to take over the planet, obliterate poverty and opression, and have great sex the whole time.
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Filed in: Dear Humpasaur
