Humpjones

Posted Feb 24, 2009 3 comments

I often find myself at strange parties.  This revelation usually comes to me mid-conversation, and there’s always that lurching, queasy moment of clarity before I can adjust.  The last time that happened, I found myself discussing politics next to an open bar with some earnest young women who were volunteering for Barack Obama, which was already a mistake. Most folks I “talk politics” with have concluded I’m either the most idealistic hippie in Vermont, or an utterly amoral fascist elitist monster.  Both interpretations are more or less valid, but explaining why is impossible unless you already get it.

Anyways, my point in bringing this up is that I found myself in an awkward position that’s becoming all too common these days: surrounded by nice Americans who really think Democracy is a good idea. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?  “Well, our votes don’t actually count, our options are restricted to a relative handful of wealthy, powerful families, and we never get consulted on any national or foriegn policy decisions, but overall, is there anything better than Democracy?” FUCK YES, IT’S CALLED FREEDOM, and you haven’t even tasted it for generations now.

Democracy is One Big Gang Bang

That’s not a funny title, that’s a dead-serious assertion of fact.  I can think of no metaphor that clarifies the issue so much: Democracy is like a gang bang.  It is a staged spectacle, first of all.  It’s also remarkable how much voting resembles a gang bang: you wait in line to deposit something that should be meaningful, but actually doesn’t count, at all. 

More importantly, though, I’m struck by how many people don’t see the dark side of Majority Rule.  That concept seems reasonable to most folks because they assume everyone else is as reasonable as them.  This is the most dangerous assumption anyone can make.  Majority Rule is putting your decisions into the hands of the least capable people among us: namely, the majority.

Hump Jones to America: none of you are qualified to make any decisions for yourselves, let alone tell me what drugs I can and cannot do.  Your problem with public nudity is your problem, not mine.  Your primitive superstitions about God and Jesus are adorable but hold no power over me.  Your total ignorance about the world you live in does not qualify you to discuss reality with me or anyone else.  Your glib acceptance of being treated like herd animals is proof that you’re either unwilling or unable to function independently.  Most of you can’t even read through a high school textbook without getting lost—not only should you not be making decisions about my life, you shouldn’t even be allowed to reproduce.

The Real Power is Always Offscreen

Robert Anton Wilson’s Key to Power: “Think about how stupid the average human is—and remember that by definition, half of them are even stupider then that!”

Here’s the real clincher.  Academic theorists are the bullshit professionals—they will bloviate about anything you give them grant money to talk about.  And sure enough, the gender issues and sociology of gang bang porno has been discussed by “critics” before—although the discussion of Goddess archetypes and fertility rituals rings pretty hollow.  That’s because they’re only looking at the screen, though—in a gang bang, the real power is always offscreen, behind the camera.

Politicians are mentally ill—sick creatures with compulsive needs.  All of the hollow rituals, vicious campaigns, empty promises....as William S. Burroughs observed “nobody in their right mind wants to deal with that bullshit.” Politicians are allowed to flourish because they provide a valuable layer of coverage for Someone Else.  We’ve discussed this before—the real “Porn Kings” aren’t sleazy rich Russian Jew Communists, they’re major US corporations who are involved simply because it’s profitable.

The porno industry is mostly a very depressing and shitty place to be.  There’s lucky stars and there’s standout companies, and all the best stuff is coming from dedicated amateurs making money online, but the actual industry of having sex on camera for money is low-pay, low-rent, low-quality.  Anyone who glamorizes it is just being a moron, and I glamorize it all the time, so what more proof do you need?

And Most of All, IT’S A LIE

I’m unclear if anyone in human history has ever actually watched a gangbang from start to finish.  It’s generally something that comes on for a few minutes until the room gets cleared out or the kleenex gets full.  To finish up the metaphor, nobody in the porno business believes in gang bangs—only gullible fools believe in gang bangs.  The Rotten Library has a truly great article on the subject, and I want to share this quote:

“The whole thing was a complete and utter sham. There were around 25 guys on the 1st day and about 14 on the second. If I had to guess I would say that legitimately I probably did about 500 guys (not different guys) I had stressed all along that I wanted to do it legitimately.”

That’s Sabrina Johnson, admitting she didn’t really Bang 2000 dudes in 24 hours.  If you’re a white citizens of the United States of America, there’s a 1 in 63 chance that your vote will never even be counted.  If you’re black, that number mysteriously leaps to 1 in 7.  Those statistics are depressing, but they don’t matter, since the Electoral College system acts as a mathematically proven filter to keep the vote in the hands of the simple majority.  Ask yourself seriously if that was an unintended consequence. You don’t want all the smart people in all 50 states getting together, so...

One should take into account the fuzzy arithmetic used to calculate these records. Gang bang statisticians generally ignore the actual number of participants and focus on “instances of sex”—a deliberately general term that specifies neither orifice nor instrument—though each act is just a minute or so in length. Thus “record” numbers are necessarily inflated by repeat participation: Chong gripes that out of everyone who showed up for her gang bang, “about 66% were not able to perform.”

Only hardcore political junkies, sick, twisted fuckers like Dr. Gonzo, actually follow politics in any meaningful way—it’s too obscure and too ugly.  Voting is a ritual we don’t do too often because it’s so depressing—everyone is just going through the motions, only the young kids with Ron Paul T-Shirts are dumb enough to believe in “change” or “the voice of the people.”

It’s ugly but true—that fat guy in the “Budweiser” T-shirt, towards the back of the line?  The one with the sweaty forehead and no pants on, with the number #822 stapled to his shirt, waiting for his chance at the porn star?  That’s you, citizen. Learing about the candidates, making informed decisions, going out to stuff it in the ballot box.  Making our Democracy great.

3 comments

Filed in: Zeitgeist

Posted Aug 25, 2008

Thanks to the power of internet marketing, we’ve known for years that Hump Jones readers are most sexy, accomplished and talented people in the English-speaking world. We’ve been quietly proud of y’all, too.

Unfortunately, some “cool” and “hip” marketing firms have gotten ahold of some of our demographics—no theft involved, it’s all open-source tools and someone was going to find out eventually. Still, it’s been hilarious to have corporations approaching my sex rap joke persona about actual sponsorships.

Considering I put my heart and soul into other hip hop projects like Algorhythms, everything about Humpasaur Jones amuses me...like watching a group of trained squirrels re-enact scenes from the Bruce Lee classic Enter the Dragon.

Most rappers would sell women’s deodorant if you cut them a check. Believe it or not, though, I am not most rappers.

I have a much better understanding of “branding” than the drones with management degrees who think that cloning their influences is a business plan. That’s called biting, kids: you’re all poodles fighting over table scraps. Hope that works out for you.

If you’re making music that matters, you’re probably not interested in being sponsored by whores like Jermaine Dupri and their corporate overlords.  This is not mere bitchery and complainifying, though: you can make it on your own in underground hip hop...I’m working on the road map over at Audible Hype.  You can also find much less coherent material over at Pizza SEO, but it would be better if we both pretended that site doesn’t actually exist.

In the end, of course, there is no sane reason why I wrote this, and drugs were certainly involved. I just wanted to thank everyone for the love and support.

Actual News Updates

The version of “Keep it Moist” that we released for free is going to be taken down in about a week. Grab it while you can.

Yep, that means we’re actually going to press up and sell the EP, with a different tracklist...that art was just too fucking good.  Peace to Yosef1 from Triple Dose Design.  Hell yes I had to pay him, but any mammal with eyes would agree that the man is worth it.

Filed in: Zeitgeist

Posted Jun 10, 2008 14 comments

After an article on vomit porn—and a long hiatus to party like a dying god and exterminate rational thought—I think we should start over with a simple question: is anything obscene anymore? They’ve been making schiesse porn for decades now over in Germany.  We haven’t covered the phenomenon of squid porn yet, but rest assured, seafood sexuality will be explored in due time.

Still: internet pornography is everywhere, and we’re about to witness the political awakening of a generation that grew up in a world where porno is normal.  There are more adult bookstores per capita in the alleged “Bible Belt” than anywhere else in the United States.  Major corporations are making good money off pornography, thanks to satellite TV and hotel pay-per-view.  Porn stars are celebrities, if not royalty—all in all, the reader could be forgiven for thinking that America has become a sexually permissive culture. 

Unfortunately, that’s completely motherfucking retarded.

The Cambira List as Skeleton Key

Paul Cambria is one of the main attorneys for the largest pornographic production companies in the United States, and he was about 5 feet away from his client, Larry Flynt, when the Hustler publisher was shot by a sniper in front of a Georgia courthouse.  That was in 1978, but it’s mighty interesting to remember why Flynt was shot—it wasn’t for split beaver shots, it wasn’t for offending Christians—it was over inter-racial porn.  There are still millions of Americans, and not just in the deep South, who find nothing more offensive than a black man having sex with a white woman. 

Paul Cambria is just a footnote to Flynt’s attempted assassination, but he’s at the center of a more recent controversy in the porn industry—it’s even named after him.  After George W. Bush got elected in a blatantly corrupt fashion (the first one, not the 2nd one) the porn industry bigwigs had a meeting to discuss how to avoid another Meese-style crackdown.  What they came up with is a list of truly naughty sex acts, a guideline of What Not To Do in order to avoid prosecution.  It’s called the Cambria List.

And you know what, kids? Nearly 50 years after Brown vs. Board of Education, somehow, inter-racial sex was on that list.  Even more telling was the specific wording: “No black man-white woman topics”—in other words, white men can fuck black women all day, every day, but if a black dude touches a white woman, you’re begging for a lawsuit.  Also dangerous: any gay sex, any fisting, food used as a sex object, coffins, and girls sharing the same dildo.  (That last one was probably inserted by a toy manufacturer, don’t you think?)

I should emphasize: the list was not a random selection of what some executives found to be personally icky, it was based on three decades of legal experience and exhaustive research into what had triggered obscenity charges in the past—so the list is really a look into the mind of the American legal system.

Highly Defective Primates

Thanks largely to the work of Ralph Reed and Pat Robertson—both architects of the Christian Coalition, the driving force of politically active right-wing Christianity in the USA—a great many of our elected officials are among the very stupidest people in the entire country.  Seriously, if you believe that the earth was created by a god named Jehovah around 6,000 years ago, you shouldn’t even be operating motor vehicles, let alone making decisions that affect an entire nation.

And yet.  Somehow, someway. 

I’ve said it before and I’m saying it again here: we still live in the Dark Ages—don’t fucking kid yourself, human.  Don’t get me wrong—the future gets better every single day.  But it’s also a slow, iterative process, and there are powerful forces keeping people stupid...look no further than the miracle of public education.  Although millions of kids who are just turning old enough to vote have grown up being barraged by silicon titties and double penetration, they’re still calling anyone they don’t like a “faggot”—and they still can’t read too good, you know?

Am I being pessimistic?  Should I take heart, knowing that although millions of grown-ups want to make it illegal for a black man to have consensual sex with a white woman, their kids are going deaf listening to Young Jeezy and calling each other nigga?  Is this progress?  Should I be more enthusiastic? 

This beer is for Robert Mapplethorpe

Now, that was a real damn Artist....Robert Mapplethorpe, yes sir.  He pushed the envelope harder and farther than any mere pornographer ever did or could—and best of all, his work is beautiful.  Here at Hump Jones, I don’t kid myself for second...this will only ever be bad writing about good sex. 

And yet.  Somehow, someway.  I feel compelled to carry this man’s torch.  Is anything obscene anymore? The jury is still out on that one, but rest assured: if it’s out there, we’re gonna find it, right here at Hump Jones Dot Com. Some delicate mix of psychosis, hubris and alcohol poisoning compels me to keep the search alive, to find those soft fleshy pressure points in the Global Brain and keep pushing until the twitching stops. 

I think that’s a pretty reasonable goal for an artist to have.

14 comments

Filed in: Zeitgeist

Posted May 21, 2008 11 comments

Men would like to believe that we exist because we held the Universe down and punched it in the face until it submitted, then gave us a whole planet to be Badass upon.  Sadly, this is not that case.  We exist because women are somewhere between sentimental and stupid.  They could have killed us off decades ago, and they still might.  (At the risk of being called a cock traitor, I’d go so far as to say they definitely should.)

Artificial Insemination was the first blow to the Purple-Headed Empire—but that was a mere warning shot, my friends.  Back in 1992, very quietly, a group of scientists announced a phenomenon that few humans are aware of to this day: the hands-free, imagery-induced orgasm. That’s right, there are women out there—thousands, if not millions, of women—who can actually think their way to an orgasm.  Dig:

Subjects were women who claimed that they could experience orgasm from imagery alone. Orgasm from self-induced imagery or genital self-stimulation generated significant increases in systolic blood pressure, heart rate, pupil diameter, pain detection threshold, and pain tolerance threshold over resting control conditions. These findings provide evidence that orgasm from self-induced imagery and genital self-stimulation can each produce significant and substantial net sympathetic activation and concomitant significant increases in pain thresholds.

And the conclusion is a truly classic nugget of scientific understatement:

On this basis we state that physical genital stimulation is evidently not necessary to produce a state that is reported to be an orgasm and that a reassessment of the nature of orgasm is warranted.

Oh no shit?  Really?  Huh.  How about a re-assessment of the penis?

Okay: A Re-Assessment of the Penis

As long as we’re talking about “thinking outside the box” as far as dicks are concerned, it’s hard not to mention the independent researcher Dr. Lorena Bobbitt, who reached some fairly radical conclusions about the role of the wang in modern society.  Her thesis—get this, it’s a doozy—was that the trouser snake was actually an autonomous creature who needed to be liberated from the context of the male body, and released into the wild...apparently via being thrown out of a car window while the vehicle was moving.

Her husband and/or research subject, John Bobbitt, managed to get his severed member re-attached, and famously did a couple pornos with some chicks who really hated their jobs that day.  Over in China recently, things did not go so well:

Surgeons at Guangzhou General Hospital said it took 15 hours of microsurgery on the unidentified 44-year-old man to attach the 4-inch organ donated by the family of a younger brain-dead patient.

In their report due to appear in next month’s journal European Urology, the doctors said after 10 days, the man, who had been injured in an accident, was able to urinate normally, but he was unhappy with the operation.

“Because of a severe psychological problem of the recipient and his wife, the transplanted penis regretfully had to be cut off,” said Dr. Weilie Hu.

Sounds like a horror movie, I know.  This severed penis talk, it must be making all two of our male readers uncomfortable, so let’s crank it up notch with something even worse.

THE ONLY THING WORSE THAN LOSING YOUR DICK

Yep, let’s take a look at pregnancy.  First of all, I would like to hand the fellahs out there the single greatest pickup line of all time, the most diabolical and manipulative possible reason to get a woman from the bar into your bed.  Ahem. Recent studies—several of them, actually—have concluded that promiscuous women are statistically much more likely to give birth to healthy babies.

�Scientists have developed many theories to explain why some female animals have multiple sex partners: whether it�s trading sex for food and protection, dealing with infertile males, or avoiding the negative effects of inbreeding in species that can�t recognise their relatives,� team leader Dr Diana Fisher said.

�Another theory is that mating with multiple males would result in sperm competition. This means that males with the strongest sperm are more likely to become sires and father better quality offspring. Until now, this theory hasn�t been demonstrated convincingly.�

Of course I’m distorting the hell out of this research, but I’m also fully qualified to do that.  Pregnancy data is full of fascinating statistics, and all of them can be used out of context to great effect at a bar near you.  Here’s some ammunition to start with:

The most popular day for babies to make their entrances? It�s still Tuesday, which boasted more than 13,000 births on average in 2003. That�s about 16 percent more babies than on any other day of the week. Saturday is the slowest day, with an average of about 7,500 births (in part because doctors don�t schedule c-sections and inductions on weekends).

36 percent of American babies are born to unmarried mothers, which is why God knocked down the twin towers in New York City (like you didn’t already know that).  Boys still outnumber girls—by 1049 male babies for every 1000 chicks—so the bar scene will not be improving anytime in the forseeable future, especially since that ratio has apparently stayed the same for as long as humans have been compiling statistics.  The US has been seeing a steady increase of twins, premature births, and cesarean sections, though.

By the way, if any of these useless factoids actually get you laid, send me an email, I’d love to hear about it.

Further Reading for Curious Primates

Check out the archives over at “Reuniting”, full of sex science source material.

Also, enjoy the supremely weird and info-packed website of Dr. Newman K. Lin, Taoist Sex Science Master. (All the good info is on the left menu.)

11 comments

Filed in: Sex Science

Posted May 19, 2008 5 comments

There’s been a lot of redundant research in the news lately—do we really need a study to tell us that images of hot naked women reduce a man’s ability to make rational decisions?  Apparently we did. And somehow...the world is a better place.

What’s been much more interesting—at least to an over-educated pervert such as myself—is the recent rash of studies that completely subvert conventional wisdom about human sexuality.  The human brain is a very strange thing, and neurological “facts” get overturned every 3 to 5 years these days, so of course all this new information might have an expiration date.  Just the same, it’s the only new information we have, so let’s start sniffing the panties of modern science.

Dirty Pictures Make You Go Blind

“We observed that people fail to detect visual images that appeared one-fifth of a second after emotional images, whereas they can detect those images with little problem after neutral images,” David Zald, assistant professor of psychology and member of the Vanderbilt Kennedy Center for Research on Human Development, said.

They called it “emotion-based blindness”—further proof that all scientists should give me a call before they name anything, ever again.  What’s especially interesting about the Zald experiments is that gory images had the exact same effect as erotic images—either way, the brain can’t process any visual input immediately afterwards.  For instance, at this point in the article, there’s two sets of tits on the screen—are you having a hard time concentrating on the words?

“We think that there is essentially a bottleneck for information processing and if a certain type of stimulus captures attention, it can basically jam up that bottleneck so subsequent information can�t get through,” Zald said. “It appears to happen involuntarily.”

This parallels another recent study, funded by ad companies, into the effectiveness of sex in television advertising.  Their findings were surprisingly complex: first of all, men are more likely to remember an advertisement if it contains sexual imagery, but women were less likey to remember that same ad.  More curiously, any form of advertising that was playing during the commercial break of a TV show with lots of sexual imagery would be less likey to be remembered by either sex.  In other words, if you’re going to use titties to sell cars, do it during the evening news, not Baywatch.  It remains to be seen wether or not this study will lead to less gratuitous sexuality bullshit on TV, but my fingers are not exactly crossed, you know?

Human Brains: Hardwired for Porno

Researchers at Washington University School of Medicine in St. Louis measured brainwave activity of 264 women as they viewed a series of 55 color slides that contained various scenes from water skiers to snarling dogs to partially-clad couples in sensual poses.

As subjects looked at the slides, electrodes on their scalps measured changes in the brain’s electrical activity called event-related potentials (ERPs). The researchers learned that regardless of a picture’s content, the brain acts very quickly to classify the visual image. The ERPs begin firing in the brain’s cortex long before a person is conscious of whether they are seeing a picture that is pleasant, unpleasant or neutral.

But when the picture is erotic, ERPs begin firing within 160 milliseconds, about 20 percent faster than occurred with any of the other pictures. Soon after, the ERPs begin to diverge, with processing taking place in different brain structures for erotic pictures than those that process the other images.

Like most research into visual processing, this also raises some fairly disturbing questions about the nature of “free will” when our brains know things before “we” do, but let’s just gloss over that for now.  What’s signifigant here is that this study was done with women, and it’s pretty safe to assume the results with men would be at least around the same, if not even faster and more attuned to the porn.  Perhaps men have evolved an entirely separate neural pathway for exposed nipples and split beaver shots—but I leave that kind of speculation to the professionals.

McGill University also did a recent study that throws a classic “Gender Gap” issue into serious question—namely, the arousal curve.  Common sense (at least for those of us who get laid) holds that men get turned on much, much faster than women do.  This is why men are subjected to the frankly offensive ritual of “foreplay” instead of just penetrating a woman and ejaculating ten strokes later....you know, like the Good Lord intended.

Anyways, the new science of “thermal imaging” has finally seen some logical application in the bedroom and the results have people in lab coats scratching their heads.

“Comparing sexual arousal between men and women, we see that there is no difference in the amount of time it takes healthy young men and women to reach peak arousal,” said Dr. Irv Binik, psychology professor and founder and director of the Sex and Couple Therapy Service of Royal Victoria Hospital, which is part of the McGill University Health Centre (MUHC).

Previously, sex researchers have measured arousal with instruments that require genital contact and manipulation. Binik focused thermographic cameras on his subjects’ genitals while they watched a montage of material from pornography to horror movies to The Best of Mr. Bean to Canadian tourism travelogues to provide a base of control data.

(The article never clarified if Mr. Bean was supposed to be arousing or part of the control data, but I sent them an email so hopefully we’ll find out.)

Much More to Cum

We’ll keep exploring the sticky frontier tomorrow—meanwhile, keep emailing me weird porn and good news stories, I definitely appreciate the help. 

5 comments

Filed in: Sex Science