Humpjones

Homeland Security - A Bunch of Perverts

Posted Mar 07, 2007 7 comments

Speaking as a US citizen who’s been arrested—repeatedly—for public nudity, I’m more than a little confused by the latest in Homeland Security technology.  These new scanners peek underneath the clothing of airline passengers (or anyone else, in a few years) essentially rendering them naked before they eyes of the airline security perverts.

Now, I know for a fact that if I walked around a damn airport naked, I would be getting a free ride to prison.  Yet I would undeniably be providing a service to Homeland Security and making life easier for everyone.  Maybe 2012 really will bring about Mass Enlightenment—all it would take is a total ban on clothing and personal possessions.  Everyone would be a smiling Yogi in a matter of weeks, it would be Heaven on Earth—or at the very least, damn interesting.  And besides, just think of how safe we’d all be!

“I think that is a violation of people’s personal rights,” said Kara Neal, 36, a mental health counselor on her way to Philadelphia.

That’s adorable, Kara. Here in the 22nd Century, security—much like light beer—is all a matter of taste.  You can have underpaid and poorly-trained Worker Drones ogling your X-ray curves, or you can have underpaid and poorly-trained Worker Drones working their rubber-gloved fingers around in your rectum.  We’re all about personal choice in the Brave New World.

DANGEROUS WOMEN OF THE END TIMES

The front lines of the War Against Terror: legally groping any woman you want to—and all it takes is a high school diploma and a few weeks of training.  There have been over a thousand sexual harrasment lawsuits brought against airport security since the newer, betterer regulations came into effect.  (That’s not even counting all the brave baggage handlers who’ve been protecting us from our wallets, nice clothes and valuables—that’s a whole other kind of hero, we won’t get into that.)

There’s no shortage of stirring tales of bravery—how about the three year old girl reduced to tears while being patted down?  I know, I know...she was just being a sissy.  And she was probably dressed like a slut, too.  Here’s another gem:

At Kennedy Airport in NYC, a woman was forced by a security guard to drink from three bottles of her own breast milk to prove that the white liquid posed no threat to anyone.

That gets me hard just thinking about it. Of course, if you object to any of this you’re obviously a terrorist—or at least some kind of fag—and you will be arrested and detained.  The next time someone tells you that ”millions of soliders died to protect your freedom,” ask them if this is what they’re referring to.

NOBODY WINS WITH ANAL TERRORISM

As if on cue, the Universe provided an even more bizarre coda: at LAX yesterday, an Iraqi citizen—“35-year-old Fadhel al-Maliki of New Jersey”—kept on setting off metal detectors no matter how much clothing he took off.  After being stripped completely naked and taken in for further questioning, he suddenly remembered: oh yeah, I’ve got magnets up my ass! Apparently this is some sort of therapy.

Al-Maliki told investigators the objects have therapeutic properties, and that he had forgotten to remove them before reaching the security checkpoint. They were described as a magnet wrapped with a piece of gum in a napkin and then coiled with wire; and some kind of round, polished stone.

“I believe we’re about as confused as you until we finish the investigation,” said Ethel McGuire, the assistant special agent in charge of the FBI’s Los Angeles office.

Ethel McGuire will die confused, I’m sad to say.  Some things will never compute for the prison guards of the Earth Farm, and rectal magick is definitely one of them.  I look forward to the day when people wake up to the need for actual security—when that happens, I’ll finally have a respectable job because mere cops just aren’t qualified to defend a planet as infinitely weird as this one.

7 comments

Filed in: The War on Sex

Western Civilization: Still Eating Its Own Kids

Posted Mar 06, 2007 7 comments

So, did you hear the one about the home-schooled kid who got locked up in a mental hospital in Germany?  Yeah...that Germany, where home-schooling has been illegal since 1938, by order of a skinny little weirdo named Adolf.  Anyways, the official diagnosis was a “phobia of school”—which is clear-cut evidence of sanity to me, but I don’t have any degrees, either.

“The obligation to attend school is a civil obligation, that cannot be tampered with,” or so say the Germans (yeah...those Germans, you know what I mean?)

Another gem of a quote about home-schoolers: “...they show a stubborn contempt both for the state’s educational duty as well as the right of their children to develop their personalities by attending school.”

Well, we all know our Johnathan Kozol and John Taylor Gatto, so we understand that quote all too well.  School is a factory to create selfish, stupid and submissive primates, and for the most part it works amazingly well.  As for those kids who just won’t get with the program, we send them to the rape room.  What, I’m kidding?  Is that a tasteless joke?  Listen:

AUSTIN, Texas - Police were sent to all 22 Texas Youth Commission facilities and the agency headquarters Tuesday to investigate claims that young inmates were sexually abused and that agency officials covered it up.

Jay Kimbrough, appointed by the governor to look into the allegations at a West Texas youth prison, said the officers would conduct interviews at the prisons and halfway houses, secure equipment and collect documents if necessary.

He also issued a warning to agency employees.

“If you are part of this gig, you need to move on or we’re going to find you and prosecute you,” Kimbrough said.

Sounds like Pope Ratzinger chastizing the pedophile priests awhile back: “You guys have been raping kids for too long...it’s time to move on.” But that’s a whole other bag of worms, stretching from Omaha, Nebraska to Washington DC to Belgium to Thailand—beyond the scope of a humble poem such as this.

For the record, don’t think the Texas case is some horrible anomaly—statistically, prison rape is most common, and most violent, in juvenile prisons.  That’s right, you’re much more likely (5x more likely, actually) to be raped in Juvie than you are in the Federal Pen. The only point I was trying to make is that when kids won’t get in line, they become human waste—because that’s the Christian thing to do, by God.  (What, I’m kidding?  That’s a tasteless joke? Deuteronomy 21:18-21, baby.)

God Forbid Those Little Monsters Learn How to Fuck

“Sex of any kind can harm teens emotionally,” a recent Reuters article informs us.  This is definitely news to me and more or less everyone I know—we were humping like, well...like drunk teenagers and it was pretty fun.  In fact, when you actually read the Reuters article, after a great deal of stern warnings about how it’s never “just” oral sex, you suddenly find out it’s opposite day.  The second to last paragraph reads like this here:

However, they were also less likely to report positive effects, like feeling closer to their partner or feeling good about themselves. Such positive feelings about sex were common, the study found. In fact, the teens more often reported positive effects than negative ones.

Call me insane—or even “school-phobic”—but it sounds to me like that means the whole article was a damnable lie.  Right?

STAY IN SCHOOL, KIDS.

7 comments

Filed in: Zeitgeist

WATCH OUT: Popo Bawa is Back.

Posted Mar 05, 2007 1 comment

The infamous rape-demon of Zanzibar has returned.  Popo Bawa, a winged bat who has been terrorizing the island since the 1960s, has showed up in BBC News—of all places—because his relentless man-rape campaign has begun again.  This might come as a shock, but the image to the left is actually an illustration, not a photo of the legendary beast himself.

Men in parts of Tanzania’s main city, Dar es Salaam, are living in fear of a night-time sex attacker.

A BBC correspondent says the attacks are being blamed by some on a demon called “Popo Bawa” meaning winged bat.

Some men are staying awake or sleeping in groups outside their homes. Others are smearing themselves with pig’s oil, believing this repels attacks.

Reports of the demon’s existence have been common for many years in Zanzibar, where locals claim it originated.

Popo Bawa is one of many indiginous demons from Mother Africa, but he’s apparently a much more recent phenomena—one legend claims Popo Bawa is a Djinn that a local black magician lost control over, but like most legends, that’s probably Grade A Bullshit.  What’s interesting, though, is that I’m apparently taking a risk by saying that—Popo Bawa attacks always break out when his existence is publicly denied.  He just likes to remind people he’s there.  And by “there,” we mean “up someone’s ass.”

“Popo Bawa is strong: He really presses down on you. And it took such a long time: One hour! Eventually I lost consciousness...”

Most alleged “skeptics” (look up the actual meaning of that word sometime) will latch onto that as proof that Popo Bawa, just like Alien Abductions, is merely ”sleep paralyisis”—the current Go-To Explanation for people too cowardly to live in reality, which is infested by hostile demons and super-human intelligent entites that love to fuck with us and steal children.  Of course, I’m just kidding.  Right?

1 comment

Filed in: Zeitgeist

Promoters

Posted Mar 05, 2007

Humpasaur Jones can definitely be too much.  We have been kicked offstage in the middle of shows before. We are entertainers first and foremost—we’re also surrealists and anarchists, though.  Please bear that in mind when you inquire about booking Humpasaur.

Humpasaur is a new outfit with a decade of onstage experience.?  That’s a no-bullshit statement of fact.?  We currently have several variations on a killer 1/2 hour set worked out, meaning 30 minutes of continuous music and performance art.

Humpasaur Jones Requirements are pretty simple:

*2 microphones

*3 DI boxes, 2 w/ stereo 1/4” input, 1 w/ stereo RCA input

*1 table at least 1 1/2’ wide x 4’ long

WE ARE MORE THAN HAPPY TO DO CHARITY GIGS.?

Filed in: Uncategorized

Downloads

Posted Mar 05, 2007 7 comments

4/18/07:

Once upon a time, there were free downloads here.  Then DJ Squid pointed out that’s pretty retarded.  A number of those cuts will be on an album that will be sold to people on the condition that they give us money.  I think I’ve paid my dues to a pretty huge extent on the free downloads already, so no complaints. Well, I’m just kidding, obviously you can go ahead and complain, I just don’t care.

Feel free to check out our tracks over at the MurdochSpace.

If you’d like to know more about DJ Squid, you can start by clicking right here.  If you’d like to know more about DJ Multiple Sex Partners, that would involve clicking here.  If you’d like to catch up with World Around Records, you should probably click right here.

7 comments

Filed in: Uncategorized